Newly engaged: holiday between families, future mother in law wearing my ring, and they want to see each other every couple weeks

1. We split holidays up. This year we spent Thanksgiving with my family plus the weather didnt allow us to make the longer drive to where the weather was worse to his family. My family lives closer to us. Our parents are both understanding about splitting up holidays and willing to work with us. I think it's great that your FH stood up and stood his ground, he needs to keep doing that. This Christmas we are planning on going up to my FFILs home and my FSIL and her family will have to come there, we don't have extra time off work this year. I'm about a 100% sure this is going to cause an argument but honestly we are trying and they should try too. They live 8 hours from us and meeting at there dad's is half way for both of us. Mind you she has never come to where we live in the 2 years my FH and I have lived together.
2. Yes that is strange having your FMIL trying your ring on. I would just say no or make an excuse like oh my finger is bloated can't take it off. Just keep saying no to letting them see the ring off your finger.
3. Just keep doing what you are doing. Boundaries need to be set and your FH needs to establish those boundaries with his family.

1.) Do what you and your FH decided on. It doesn’t matter if they understand or like it. I’m not sure why this needs to be a conversation with your future in laws. You tell them which holidays you’ll be attending with their family and you stick to it. The end.
2.) It’s weird but it’s not like she’s going to steal your ring. Unless you plan to talk to a psychiatrist about it, I’m not sure you’re going to understand the underlying reason. Tell her no.
3.) I don’t think that spending time with his family should be a negative thing, especially only every few weeks. You need to compromise on this. Find times that are good for you and your FH and approach his family about plans before they try to make the plans. Spend time with them on your terms. If they ask to do something when you’re busy, say no. They’re allowed to take it personally, that’s fine. They’ll get over it eventually.

Time to set some serious boundaries. You and or fiancé need to tell both families what your plans are as far as holidays, and your expectations of when they can visit. You are to be married soon, and are no longer children. Neither of your parents can dictate what you do unless you allow them. Unfortunately there may be some hurt feelings, but that is not your fault or something you can control. Marriage is about compromise, not giving in to one set of parents. The two of you should come up with your holiday plans and tell them, not ask them or take suggestions. If they don’t like it, you don’t need to see them at all.
This holiday and parent visiting thing is a common problem for young couples. Try not to take it personally. Both families lives are changing as much as yours, and often there’s obstacles adjusting to the new norm. In regards to part 2, don’t let anyone try on your ring from now on. Clearly your fmil has some very odd quirks. Don’t feed into them. Because you’re right, that’s just weird.

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Thank you!

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Thank you! Regarding #3, I think it's just because I'm not used to the stress that comes with them. It's exhausting.

For example, I comment about my new roomba, they make a comment about how clearly it's not working (implying my floors are not clean). They expect me to wait on them hand and foot. My FMIL tries to teach me to "cook" (she assumed I didn't know how to boil noodles). They try to passive aggressively bring up conflicts my FH already decided/discussed with them (like the holiday situation), trying to persuade me to decide behind my FH's back and somehow change his mind and then by making passive-aggressive comments when they realize I won't. It happens without fail, every time. So I dread scheduled times with them.

1.) Your FH isn’t really putting his foot down if all it took was them causing some drama to make you two decide to spend both holidays with them this year. It’s not necessary for them to understand or even be ok with your decision. Just do what you want, let them know and don’t allow the conversation to continue after that.
2.) This is weird but I’d probably just let it go.
3.) Set boundaries but also be respectful of the fact that if you’re seeing your family every couple weeks it’s understandable if your FH wants the same. Don’t worry about how they react to your decisions.

Here is my opinion:

1- I agree with others that your family is just as important. I am glad he put his foot down but ultimately caving in, they have won. I think that in your situation since you just found out your grandma has cancer that is more important. I think you should spend Christmas with your family. I also think that starting next year you need to do the alternation of holidays like you suggested. If they do not like it then you do not have to go at all. I think sit down nicely with them and your FH should be there and talk about this. Let them know that they are to be your future in laws and they are important to you but so are his future in laws and your family. For you two, you both feel it is best to split holidays. If they do not like it then forget them IMO.

2 - That is odd. I would just come up with an excuse and if it continues maybe have the FH say something to her like it is odd to have my mom wear my future wife's ring. I have heard of some MIL's have a hard time giving up their son to another woman.

3 - Like some others have said you are marrying a man from a tight knit family so that may be something you deal with. My FH is not even close to his intermediate family (I usually will encourage or nag him to go see his family if they come to town for the holidays) but when my mom was alive and we did family important holiday events I would usually have him come. Maybe you want to set boundaries but I would start with the holiday thing. However, if you cannot make it then they need to accept no and not reschedule or worse case some days he may need to go without you but not often. I am glad your FH has stepped in but I think he may need to talk to them again and make them realize that two families are coming together and they need to share him because it sounds like they want you both all to themselves. Sorry for this.

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Thank you! Seems like I just need to be more firm and keep doing what we are doing. I guess I was hoping someone just has the secret cure to dealing with ILs.

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No secret. Some are understand and some are not. I have friends that get along well with their in laws and some in laws are nightmares.

You will have to take control of this situation NOW.


We have always spent Holidays with both.
Last year, we spent the night with my Grandma and then drove to see his family on Christmas day.
YOU must spend as much time with your Grandma as possible. You will regret it if you don’t and things turn for the worse.
DH encouraged me to spend time with mine. I’m glad that I was able to spend so much time with her as she passed away almost 30 days after my Wedding.

I only have any real counsel on the first one - we've done a number of scenarios over the years. An "orphans Christmas" with just us at home, us going to his/ mine, and us each going to our own.

I'd say just try your best not to make your partner "pick a side" - the person who does that *always* comes off worse. Be assertive - not passive where you feel like a martyr for not getting to spend time with your family, and not aggressive dictating to your MIL about when she'll see her son. All you can do is tell your partner that you'd like to spend X holiday with your family this year, and you hope he can come as well but you understand if he can't.

Sometimes carrying that weight of being a victim on it/ feeling put upon will last longer than the one day with the family - it can lead to tension with your partner, which is the worst combo.

Good luck!

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Thank you, you are right I didn't even realize that in giving in, it totally invalidated the fact he put his foot down and made a decision in the first place. No wonder they haven't given up trying to get their way.

My Mom (Grandma’s daughter) had already died in 2017.


My In-Laws came to our 🏠 for Thanksgiving.

We will be spending Christmas out of town this year, meaning without family.

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I think the one thing we both agree on is that we want to spend the holiday together but you're right, if he really wants to see his family on a holiday I should just let him go by himself. Thank you!

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True, you're right, thank you I need to prioritize her and deal with them after.

Set these boundaries now, or it’ll get worse.


1) Stick to your plans to split holidays. Your FH did a job job telling them. Ignore their whining and do not cave.
2) Weird. But just keep your ring on. Just say “no thanks.”
3) Can you set a routine day? Like the first Sunday of the month or something? Or Thursdays for dinner and switch up the location (that way you can keep your weekends just the two of you?)

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Wow, I didn't even think about setting a regular monthly thing! I'll think about whether it'll work since they do travel a lot and tend to just pop in once back in town. But maybe this would be better. Thank you!

View Quoted Comment Unfortunately, they’ll probably still want to celebrate birthdays and other celebrations on the actual date but maybe that would help? Or maybe one weekend a month is “family day” like Sunday brunch with his family and Sunday dinner with yours? The inconsistent schedule and constant last-minute invites would drive me bonkers. And if they demand shared days like Father’s or Mother’s Day, either your fiancé can go without you or you guys can invite both families over to your house—if they can’t make it too bad you’re not going to celebrate two separate ones. Ugh!

1. You guys just have to make a plan and stick with it. Your family is just as important as his. Be prepared for pouting and maybe even tears. Do NOT give in!


2. Kinda weird but not a big deal in my opinion.
3. Set a routine with your FH. Don’t accept invites or requests without speaking to each other first.

My FMIL is also giving us a hard time about the fact that we need to split holidays with my family as well. Luckily, my FBIL is also splitting holidays with his fiancées family this year so the pressure isn’t all on us. We approached it by being firm and not giving them a choice. We told them that is the way we are handling holidays and if they don’t like it then we will do our own thing for the holidays.