Need to vent

View Quoted Comment I agree, it sounds like this may be a case of trust issues or drinking issues. But I'm not assuming because you could be upset for other reasons.

View Quoted Comment Not trust issues. Drinking . Whenever he goes over the limit, everything else doesn't seem to matter

View Quoted Comment Oh yea that would be very annoying. I can see your frustration. I think you should definitely see about going to couples counseling. Maybe that will help him.

He shouldn't be calling you names, period.


He shouldn't be hanging out at loud (I got the vibe it was crowded) bars (hopefully it was outdoors), during covid, trying to get his buddy to go home with someone. He couldn't have sent you a text?
He should be more respectful of your feelings.
You're not "nagging" at him for asking him to communicate. The stereotype of a man being "forgetful" is not a valid excuse.
I don't see how couples counseling is going to help his repeat DUI offending behavior. He could kill someone. He appears to have a pattern of making bad decisions while drunk, and he doesn't moderate his drinking.
I think you should do individual counseling to see if you should stay in a relationship with someone who has such reckless disregard for others on the road and his own wife. He also wants to act like he's single.
Bear in mind, my husband and I are poly. He's allowed to sleep with whoever he wants. If he wants to stay out late, that's no biggie. But he does the courtesy of checking in with me so I know he's ok. That's what you do when you know a loved one is waiting at home for you.

That is not ok. It sounds like he has zero respect for you by doing this and expecting you to brush it off. Is this new behavior? If it was isolated then I would raise brows and lose trust. If it is not new, that would a huge red flag that the relationship is on the rocks and not for the better, and all the couples therapy in the world, especially with any other issues, is not going to improve the relationship.

No relationship is perfect but if someone is constantly pushing your buttons and violating your trust/respect, no amount of therapy will repair the relationship. They should not be acting that way in the first place if they truly respect you. Based on what you have mentioned, I would not stick around because you deserve so much better than this.

Are you in individual counseling? That is equally important if not more.

View Quoted Comment I said the same thing that he asks as though he is single and reminded him he's married & he has wife to think of. H3 can't seem to have a limit with drinking, when he goes out it's always going past the limit and not remembering how he got home etc. And this bar was indoors and had ZERO covid measures in place. Which was bad enough. I do have an individual counselor and have reached out to him to set up a day and time to talk.

I’d suggest being direct and specific about your expectations— under what circumstances do you want him to message you? Going to be late? Changing bars? Etc. This is something that can vary from person to person, so let him know when you expect to hear from him. In terms of the driving drunk, that is unacceptable. With the popularity of ride services, there is zero excuse! If these are unavailable in the area, he and his friends need to either determine a DD or prearrange someone willing to pick them up.

View Quoted Comment He knows all this already, I'm very direct and specific lol but then thus happens and I'm the bad guy because "I'm killing his buzz" but God forbid I did this ans behaved like this he would lose it. When he is drinking n goes past his limits he doesn't remember to communicate. I even offered to pick him up. H3 said no because he knew I was upset with him and didn't want to deal with me.

View Quoted Comment This isn't the first time this happened. I'm in individual counseling and just got off the phone with him. He wants me to be safe and remove myself physically from the situation.

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Follow his advice. Get out of there asap and do not look back. Also do not cave to any attempts from husband with the honeymoon cycle of the abuse circle where they try to win you back with apologies and gifts and say it won't happen again when you know it will.

View Quoted Comment He said to remove myself temporarily not permanently. Not until he gets help. But there has to be consequences for his actions and I can't let it slide under the rug

This is something I would focus on primarily in couples therapy unless there are other, bigger issues you are also having. Bottom line, you have to be able to trust your husband and he should just want to tell you where he is, not because he feels like he has to or will get in trouble. And he shouldnt have gotten married if he felt he couldnt do those things.

View Quoted Comment It's not even about getting in trouble...if he wanted to go places and not tell me when he was coming home or where he was going he should have gotten a roommate and not a wife. It's more about when alcohol is involved he gets so far gone and the common sense & communication skills he has just don't come out.

View Quoted Comment Oh I totally understand. And that's so great to hear! It's always a learning process. This is my first relationship where we both were ready to get married and take that next step in our lives. I thought that it would be amazing 100% of the time and that I was 100% ready. I was wrong. We have both had to grow and mature. It's been hard at times but I didn't expect having to unlearn behaviors/trauma from growing up or past relationships. There may be things to tweak but it's not anything we can't overcome. These are things nobody tells you going in. I'm just glad I found somebody worth fighting for after not being treated right.

View Quoted Comment I always tell my husband I rather loss the argument than lose him. I'm learning to take the good with the bad. It isn't easy. We have had more good times than bad, but when it's bad it's hell

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Sorry for this other (very) long post !! 🤭 You can try to figure out the reason(s) why he behaves that way:He might want more space/alone time.He might think he can't do anything like a grown ass man or something else , especially if he often complains about your behavior or wordings .Maybe you're not specific enough when you complain, at least in his opinion? It might be because of stress at work? I'm not saying he would be right , but he may see things this way.I don't know how you should tell him/ask him because I don't know him but as an example,my fiancee asked me to see things from her perspective: " Do you think it would be acceptable if I ever did this ?" and " I know you do love me but I am hurt ,think about it, I only want you to call me/ text me and reply to my calls/texts , I don't want to worry about you, let me know you're fine and when you need space/alone time. you it would mean a lot to me" . Her words really hit my mind. I felt awful, I knew she was right.I repeat : don't nag,yell,scream (I know it's easier said than done, we are pretty good at driving you nuts LOL.), don't forget some positive words/statements:" I love you", "I know you love me", "I know you don't do it on purpose", etc ...
Be patient because big changes takes time, but it worth the wait in the long run.

View Quoted Comment I appreciate this. And we are doing couples therapy to discuss it more. Its more than not nagging or yelling. Because if I did to him what he did to me...he would be so angry and he wouldn't like it, and has even said so.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. He’s being not only disrespectful but a danger to himself and others. Not just drinking and driving but also being at a packed bar during covid. And for what, to help his buddy hook up with someone?
When my husband and I started dating, we had a few fights similar to this. But that was early on, and my hurt feelings were heard and compromises were made on both ends. That would never ever ever fly these days. Mainly because were on the same page with not going out and getting blackout. It’s about being on the same page.
It’s good you’re in therapy and I suggest continuing. It sounds like he should do some individual therapy himself.

View Quoted Comment I agree with him doing individual therapy and but he feels as though nothing is wrong. Ita frustrating. Because I wouldn't do it to him

View Quoted Comment Oh I totally understand. We have been through the same thing and it's tough. But I don't ever want to lose my FH.