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Jai
VIP May 2020

Need to vent

Jai, on March 6, 2021 at 12:14 AM Posted in Married Life 0 48
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I'm upset as I'm writing this, but need to vent since this WW community has been supportive to me in the past. My husband went out tonight to a bar with his best friend who is single; that's fine because I decided to do a double at work and just got off at 1130pm. Well I go to call him after work and he isn't answering. I text him and no response. When he does answer he tells me he's at a different bar then the one he's originally at. He was supposed to be home by 1130 and still isn't. He doesn't even communicate with me to tell me he will be home late.I don't mind that he goes, but at least communicate you're somewhere new. His excuse for not communicating is that the bar is loud and he's trying to hook his friend up with a girl. So thats more important than talking to me? Then he tells me he's driving them home, well he's borderline drunk. I feel like I wanna lose my crap. When I tell him how this makes me feel (this is the second time he's done this) he brushes it off like it's no big deal. We are currently in couples therapy. We just got married in May. Since this is the second time this has happened I don't know what to do. If this how it's gonna be when he goes out drinking then I don't think he should anymore. Like why get obliterated to the point common sense goes out the window? He even tells me I can't expect common sense when he drinks. Please offer some advice for me. Supportive.

48 Comments

Latest activity by Jai, on March 7, 2021 at 7:47 AM
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Oh no! I can totally understand your concern. Um, “you can’t expect common sense when he drinks?” That is concerning in itself. Considering this has happened before, it may be good to bring up in couples counseling. This is a big issue that needs addressing. I feel you.
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I appreciate the advice. Like I want to stay and work this out, but if it becomes a habit I don't know if I can. I will definitely be bringing this up
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    I get it! His reply is very immature and irresponsible. A counselor might help mediate a healthy discussion. 🤗
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thank you for your insight. Because I know if this doesn't get situated now it'll get worse. Our session is in 2 weeks but I'll be calling sooner
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    I totally understand the issue with the drunk driving. But on the other topics, what are your specific/deeper concerns? Is it the fact that he’s out with his friends, having a good time and simply not focusing on his phone? Or do you feel as though he’s not focusing on his phone for some other (possibly sneaky) reason? I only ask because those are two different types of concerns.
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    My deeper concern would be communicating with me "hey we are going to a different bar " and "hey I'll be late coming home, instead of 1130p it'll be 1230.". That's my issue. I don't think he's being sneaky. I just think he's having such a good time he doesn't think of telling me things. Like he can have a good time, just communicate. He even admitted if I didn't communicate, he'd be mad as well.
  • P
    Devoted April 2023
    Peyton ·
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    I would be very upset if I was in your shoes. Your husband’s actions strike me as immature and selfish. He is acting like a single, irresponsible individual. The part that bothers me the most is that he should not be driving drunk/borderline drunk. What will he do when he gets a DUI or when he gets in an accident and he kills somebody? This is just unwise. I hope therapy will cause him to wake up and smell the coffee.

  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Funny thing is...he's had a DUI before. At 21. He's 28 now. His actions don't represent those of someone that's married. And what is starting to bother me Is that he can't just get tipsy to have a good time when he's with guy friends he has to get so drunk it's bad-like tonight he was argumentative, calling me names etx
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    I see... So was this occurring prior to May when you got married? Or is this new behavior that began since being married?
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    This was before we got married. But we did couples therapy before, nipped it in the bud & now doing couples therapy for a second time. Idk how many rounds of therapy is it gonna take or that I even wanna keep trying for a 3rd time..we were making progress. But now it's regressing.
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    Oh! So this isn’t new! And call you names?!?! Yeah, completely unacceptable.
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Nope it's not new at all. I'm noticing it's the same reoccurring problem. And it's getting out of hand.
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    That’s heartbreaking and I’m really sorry. I imagine it’s a lot to go thru, and especially with such little time under your belt as a married couple. So, I truly hope things improve.
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thank you I hope so too! I love him, but this situation is draining for me.
  • F
    Expert April 2022
    Fred ·
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    As a guy i can tell you that most of us are forgetful. It's not that we don't care about our girlfriend/fiancée/wife, but we forget as we just want "clear our mind". This is not an excuse, this is how most guys work.
    I did this thrice to my future wife (we're not married yet) but promised her (and myself) to behave "properly" after the 3rd time and I kept my promise since she told me how much she was hurt.
    I mean , it's not a big deal if he behaved that way twice or thrice but you have to make it clear, on a regular basis,that it annoys you when you sit him down. Men are definitely sensitive to their girlfriend/wife feelings and concerned when they are in love with her.However: don't talk to him with anger or a nagging attitude. You will get the opposite result. Men HATE when the wife/girfriend is nagging them. I'm not telling you have to be "too kind" or "too emotional" either but guys are more receptive when their other half ask them something without talking to him as if you are in a mother-son relationship.The way you communicate with him is a major factor.Good luck.
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I appreciate an opinion from a guys perspective! I will try! It's hard not be angry when I say "it hurts me when you do XYZ" n he still does it. When he approaches me I stop the behavior because I don't like hurting him. I wish he gave me the same respect I give him
  • Ali
    Expert March 2021
    Ali ·
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    I totally get this because my FH has come home from a friends house at 2am after fishing before but he did communicate that with me. And there was another time he took a weekend fishing trip with his dad and he asked me if the first thing he could do when he got back was go hang with his friend (who actually was not even home when he arrived). And we got into an argument about it because in that moment I didn't really feel like I was important. Luckily, my FH doesn't go out drinking and when he does he only drinks a couple. So he's responsible in that aspect. I think bringing it up in counseling will be a great help. We aren't in counseling but I'm in therapy on my own since before we met. So my therapist is helping me facilitate conversations and what not between us. We do want to seek counseling to help us communicate better. I think that trying to talk to him about it and letting him know how hurt you are is important. When my FH goes out with friends I just say let me know when you get to (wherever) and if I'll be up let me know when you're headed back. He usually always does but I don't expect him to check in when he's out. I do worry about is he ok and whatnot (have anxiety) but I just have to trust him.
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    It's just a thing between us that we do check in with each other while we are out but usually only concerning if we will be home late or change locations or something comes up. I reached out to my individual counselor and am waiting to speak with him. I talked to him this morning and he did apologize and realizes he can't do this a third time. But for me he has to earn my trust back. I just want simple communication and I'm happy lol
  • Ali
    Expert March 2021
    Ali ·
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    That's definitely not too much to ask for at all. I know everyone is different and has different expectations and boundaries and whatnot. I have experienced problems with communication and it's still not perfect but he's done so much better. Obviously there's still going to be times when it's not 100% but usually they feel bad and want to do better and make it right. I always thought communication was easy. Lol. That's not the case. Everyone has different ways of communication and different styles so it's hard sometimes. I hope it can get better and you guys can figure it out! I know from experience that things can get better if both people work together. We went from yelling and fighting a lot to being able to say hey when you did this, I felt like this and whatnot. You live and you learn right? There's always going to be work to do.
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I appreciate this! Very positive and I'm willing to work on this as long as the same mistake isn't being repeated over and over again. We went from screaming and yelling to now discussing things when we have a disagreement. We came a long way, but there's some things we gotta tweak
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