Need Advice

I just don't see how he can throw it all away so easily.

This is extremely vague so it’s really hard to give any advice. What are the things he wants you to work on? Do you agree that these things are an issue?

Carrie, I absolutely hate this for you! Like Caytlyn said, it's hard to give advice without knowing the totality of the situation. My only advice is to give each other some space, and then sit down with him to figure out where both of your heads are and what your next step should be. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

View Quoted Comment It's apparently just a lot of built up anger, mainly about money issues and such he told me he doesn't trust me but I have never given him any reason not to

View Quoted Comment Ugh. But he needs to communicate when he’s feeling upset or concerned and you work on it as a couple. Can you suggest that and counseling? It’s NOT healthy that he throws out an ultimatum and basically puts it on you to change and then he’ll decide—that not a mature relationship.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with this. If you don't think you've given him any reason to not trust you, then there must be something else bothering him that he isn't telling you, or something you don't realize you've done that really bothered him. Counseling is a great way to openly communicate in a safe environment, so I would suggest putting that on the table and see if he's interested.

I'm sorry you're going through this! I hope you both can talk maturely and discover what the ultimate cause of this change of heart is!

Well look, if he has to “give you a month to see how you do”.... i’m usually not one to suggest leaving him, but it sounds like he already left…
Honestly, you guys have only been together for two years. If it’s not working out now then why get into something if he’s not even 100% sure at this point?

This is supposed to be the happiest time for the both of you! Marriage is something that you both need to be 100% sure that you’re ready for! I know theres divorce, but in my opinion divorce is not equivalent to a boyfriend girlfriend break up at all. And I feel like in 2021 often times people treat divorce as such. So if he plans on getting married to you with the idea in the back of his mind that well if it doesn’t work out we can always get divorced, you need to back away from this immediately!
Don’t get yourself involved in a marriage where the idea of divorce is already on the table before you even get married.
He really should have mentioned all of this stuff to you before you both decided to plan a wedding and tell all of your family and friends.

Usually when someone says they are giving you X amount of time to prove yourself/change/whatever, what they want to say is that they are leaving. But they don’t have the courage to do so, and give vague ultimatum or a generalized “do better” - and there is no real way to prove yourself in the end.
This is heartbreaking and possibly the hardest thing you’ve gone through. It’s not easy.
You’ve learned something about him - he suppresses things until he blows, and then give vague “if things don’t change” excuses. That’s will be a pretty unhappy future for you.
Gather your circle. Vent to them. Look at him with clear eyes. Can you be your true self with him and feel confident that he is on your team and supports you? You deserve that kind of love.

I'm so so sorry, If you're comfortable sharing more, I know the community will be here for you. Honestly with communication issues (like him not communicating his feelings clearly, or repressing feelings) seeing a therapist is a great option. They are so useful, even if the relationship seems great. They help you talk through the important things. If you suggest therapy and he agrees, then that shows he is willing to take steps towards change and betterment of the relationship. If he refuses, then thats a good sign that he is done with the relationship and is just putting off officially leaving, in which case, it is probably better to leave sooner than later. I'm so sorry! let us know what happens love.

Based on your other posts, it sounds like he really isn’t into the wedding or marriage. I would go to counseling, either with him or individually. If he’s acting like this, you need to decide if it’s something you are going to tolerate.

I think pausing wedding planning for now and seeing if he is open to counseling might help begin to help your communication issues. Based on a couple of your previous posts, he has seemed resistant to planning a wedding in the past. Are you both on the same page, or have there been signs that maybe this isn't what he really wants? It sounds like maybe he is this "deadline" as an excuse. Either way, you certainly don't deserve to be treated this way, or the ways you've described in the past.

As someone who has experienced the “I’m giving you x time to do/be better”, I can tell you that whatever you do likely won’t be “enough” because he’s already decided he doesn’t want to be in this relationship, but he wants it to be your fault. I would seek individual counseling and stop all wedding plans at this point.

This exact thing happened to me and it was truly the most terrible and depressing thing that ever happened, but I'm actually still planning to marry the man who did it, so I'll try to give you some advice from my perspective.

Three months before my last wedding date, my FH told me during a big fight that he wanted to delay the wedding. He wasn't happy, and he thought I needed to work on some things before we could get married. He didn't want to set a new date because he wasn't sure when we would work on those things. Well, I went ballistic and said that if he didn't love me how I am, we couldn't get married. We briefly broke up, then decided to go to counseling together. Well it took 4 months of intense counseling during which he continued to insist that we could get married if I just worked on my stress tolerance, temper, this that and the other. I felt so useless and unloved. And the uncertainty and feelings of being unloved weighed on me so heavily that I became genuinely depressed and erratic and couldn't work on myself at all. Our relationship got worse and worse and I had prepared to cut things off and leave him.

Our counselor was an 80 year old priest, and he could not have been better. His ministry is to the homeless population in his neighborhood, not in couple's, but he had good experience and a kind disposition. He really dug at us. It hurt a lot. I cried nearly every session. He repeatedly told my FH that eventually you have to choose to love someone the way they are or to leave, there is no "work on yourself" option in a true relationship. My FH had to hear this about 100 times.

Finally, I had a breakdown to my FH and told him how much pain I was in and how I didn't even know myself anymore. He decided then that we should set a date and get married because he did love me and was sorry that he had hurt me so much. He had realized over the 4 months that he was a lot of the problem in the relationship and that he had been unfair, and that I had been overly patient to wait for him.

So now I'm marrying this man. We are deeply in love and have great communication now. When my same flaws bubble up now, he is so caring and understanding. I think once he realized love means marrying an imperfect person, he really set to being a compassionate partner.

But those 4 months were hellish, and the months that led up to it weren't much better. He was immature and inconsiderate and unloving and harsh and all kinds of awful things. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to leave him and tell him to let me know if he changed his mind. The way he treated me wasn't okay, and I would never want anyone else to be treated like that.

Something made me stay and put up with it and try and pray and truly die to myself. And he died to himself too. Now our relationship couldn't be more wonderful, even with challenges. We get each other now.

No relationship is perfect. My bottom line advice after this whole spiel: trust your gut, be confident in yourself, and know that you are deserving of real and true and radical love.

Praying for you

View Quoted Comment I am so glad someone else saw this too! I also noticed you have posts from a while ago stating he was less than enthusiastic about the wedding. It seems that maybe he isn’t ready for marriage to me. I certainly would have to put a pause on planning and find out whether it is worth pursuing. But it seems that all along there have been some signs that he was not ready for this step.


Also, “give you a month and see if you do better”. Is this dog training? Ew

I'm so sorry you're going through this hun Have you considered counseling? If not, there really needs to be some form of communication. I would ask him as to why he held it in rather than communicating it with you. Relationships really do take work, but communication is ALWAYS so important. I never knew that until I met my now FH. We had our struggles, and a lot of it was miscommunication or no communication at all. We haven't perfected it, but it has improved A LOT over the years.

Also, maybe look into the 5 love languages. Try to find out what yours are and what his are. You can take a quiz on it online to see what your guys love languages are. I don't know if you've ever heard of that but the 5 are:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Acts of service
3. Physical touch
4. Gifts
5. Quality time
This actually helped a lot in communicating with my FH. I learned his love language, and he learned mine. By doing so we were able to understand each other's needs and communicate it appropriately.

I pray that God opens his heart to have that open communication with you.

View Quoted Comment Thank you all for the support. For those who have suggested counseling I have been trying to get in with a therapist but the place I'm going is back up by 2 months, and he refuses to go to counseling for many reasons but I'm going to try and make this work. Thank you

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You should never be given an ultimatum to change or an amount of time to do so. My FH and I recently went through a rough patch back in October, and he took it out on me, which was very rare for him. It wasn't as bad as what your situation sounds like, but ultimately it wasn't really me causing his issues. He was really upset and unhappy at his job and because we were in quarantine I was really the only one to take it out on and he did in a way. We talked A LOT through it all (we're both really good communicators with each other, but he wasn't communicating enough to me at this point) and it was hard and it hurt to hear some things. But we are in a much better place now. Is it possible something else is bothering him? I'd call him out on it if so. If I were you, I'd really be questioning whether this is a relationship I want to be in and complicate with a marriage.

I know it’s frustrating. Hate to say it but it’s a waiting game unless you feel like you can walk away because no one should be given X amount of time to see if things work. Was there anything that triggered this? If something set this off I would see if there is a way to talk through it or see what’s really causing this. Really hope everything turns out ok no matter what happens know that you will be alright.

We are in couples counseling and I'm even in individual counseling. It really has helped our marriage and my hubby was against it at first, and finally realized that In order for US to work, he had to put in some effort. To me, if you're relationship is worth fighting for then definitely go for it. But don't be the only one fighting.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but if your fiance is really feeling frustrated or unsure about your relationship, it is so much better that this is happening now rather than after the wedding. Whatever is bothering him, blowing up at you is inappropriate. I would recommend couples counseling to get to the deeper root of the issue and see if this is something you can and want to work through together.