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Just Said Yes June 2023

Need advice on Father in Law

Hilary, on February 26, 2023 at 8:09 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11
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Hi all,


I have a lot of question marks with my father in law but I'd like some third party opinions on this. Maybe I could very well be so calculative but I feel that my Father in Law(FIL) is not as generous, helpful or at least, considerate in terms of house mortgage and now, wedding.I get a little bit cautious as my family side has been generous and helpful to our first home purchase and wedding planning. But my FIL has not ever once offer any cents which gets me a little concerned, especially now with the wedding where we told him nearly 6 months ago that he could bring 20 people and now he insisted to bring more, 60 people. With that request, he did not even offer to help in any thing and did not even consider that we're quite stressed out already with our monthly mortgage. I may be expectant and a little jealous to know that he financially at least offered to my partner's sister's first home and wedding but none to us. My partner is quite naive and doesnt have the heart to ask for financial help from his own parents either and I'm quite frustrated because our finance is really tight at this point with us planning to have a baby next yr. I also don't have the heart to ask his parents but there doesnt seem to be any grace from them either. I honestly feel a little bad for thinking like this but just want some opinion and advices. Thanks all in advance.

11 Comments

Latest activity by Hilary, on February 27, 2023 at 2:20 AM
  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    His father owes you nothing (and neither do your parents). If you are adult enough to get married, you both are adult enough to fund your own wedding. Absolutely no one else is responsible to fund the party that you are choosing to throw. If your wedding is causing you financial hardship, you need to scale it back to whatever you can afford.
    Also, you do not owe your FIL any additional guests. Let him know that you and your fiancé have already created the guest list that you can comfortably afford to host, and you cannot add any additional people. And stand firm with that.
    If you are wanting to have a baby in a year, you are going to need to have healthy finances- do not overextend yourself for a party. Your mortgage and family planning are your responsibility and should take precedence over a wedding.
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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    Your father in law shouldn’t have anything to do with your mortgage and your partner should not be expected to ask their family for financial help. It’s one thing if that’s how you and your family are, that’s for you, but it’s not the norm and shouldn’t be the expectation. I would not be at all comfortable if my partner wanted me to ask my family for money for us. Our finances are our responsibility.


    THAT said, you also are under no obligation to accommodate him. He shouldn’t get any say in your wedding guestlist. If he wants to add extra people, you can and should simply say no. Completely fair even if he doesn’t like it!
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  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    Neither of your parents should be expected to pay for anything for you. I'm sorry but buying a house with a mortgage you can barely afford sounds like a recipe for disaster. That was very generous of your parents but this is not a pissing contest and neither family has to provide money or help for the wedding, house, or baby.

    I would cut back your guest list, including the initial 20 people you were going to let him invite. Scale that number and overall guest list down and it will help save a couple $$$
    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I'm sorry but this post is coming off very entitled. It's not anyone's responsibility to pay for your mortgage or wedding other than you and your fiance. The fact your family contributed is nice and all, but they weren't required to do so. You need to have a wedding that you can afford. That might mean telling your future father-in-law that you have already reached your max guestlist and therefore aren't going to be able to accommodate his extra guests. If he then wants them to attend he might offer to cover the cost, but I wouldn't ask him to nor would I invite them if you and your fiance can't afford to.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    It’s not his responsibility to pay your bills or mortgage. That is your and fiancé’s financial responsibility.
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    If your future FIL never offered $, he won't now. People can't give what they don't have and most likely he never added your wedding in his annual budget for his own livelihood. Your wedding and home is your responsibility. So in your last 3 months cut back anything extraneous. I'm of the mindset, if you surpass your budget, you don't know how to budget. Get it together with a financial planner, and think long-term if you plan to add to your family. Read your own books on how to save and build wealth. No one is obligated to help you because you're an adult.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    This may come as a shock but your future FIL doesn't own you a single dime toward your mortgage or your wedding. That's your responsibility as the supposedly mature adult couple you are. Would it be nice if FFIL treated his son's wedding the same way he did his daughter's? Sure, but if he hasn't made a similar offer it's really none of your business why. Perhaps his circumstances or finances have changed since then or he's that much closer to retirement. Maybe he hopes to help out in some other way in the future, or has already paid for your FI's schooling. Even if it's due to the IMO old fashioned attitude that you pay for a daughter's wedding not a son's, you aren't any more entitled. Your FI should be able to invite his own guests, regardless, but if the numbers have been exceeded that's on FI, not FIL.

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  • H
    Just Said Yes June 2023
    Hilary ·
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    Thanks all for the posts! I def get it, I may sound entitled, just thought that it is unusual because my own parents are so generous and treat all of us equal and I am so grateful for that. Regarding my FIL I just find him a little demanding in particular for this wedding. It is stressful because it seems like we have to consider a lot for him but not otherwise! We can't say no at this point but accomodating because from the past he throws trantrums Smiley sad
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Girl, yes you can. It's about boundaries. It's uncomfortable in the beginning, but necessary that you draw that line. Because it's his Dad, have your FS look him straight in the eye and say it's not within budget. You can't give what you don't have as well, so whatever adult tantrums he throws is futile. Ridiculous. Lots of parents like to front at their children's weddings. But couples today pay for their wedding themselves and are much smaller. Old ways of inviting your parents' coworkers are thrown out the door. Let FIL politic on his own dime. Good luck.
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  • H
    Just Said Yes June 2023
    Hilary ·
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    Ps. Super agree to the budgeting. It is the key towards making it all happen.
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  • H
    Just Said Yes June 2023
    Hilary ·
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    Yeah. We've decided to allow 40 ppl. It is the last wedding and we don't want any drama. We just decided to cut back on a lot of stuff and including grocery that leads to dieting...which works well since we need to be in shape for the big day! Thanks all for your thoughts!
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