Name Change Options

I'm more traditional and will be changing my name. I have 3 brothers who can carry on the family name. Plus my maiden name is long whereas his is only 4 letters. I can't wait to change my name and be Mrs Fehr. And just because you change your name to your husband's doesn't mean you are less independent and less strong.

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Thank you! I'll need all the support I can get haha.

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This is one of the things I'm considering, I think just adding his name to my name will be a much easier process in regards to paperwork, and then I don't have to deal with hyphens. I like the idea of being able to use whichever name I feel like too, just not sure if there will be issues in the long run, like where will I be alphabetized, does this cause issues with kids in the future, etc. But I still like this option and think I could make it work, FH just didn't seem as on board with it as I hoped he would.

Thank you for your reply!

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You have a great point that a name change doesn't mean I'm less independent. It definitely took me a long time to come to terms with this. I am just trying to find an easy way to keep my maiden name as well, because I still see it as part of who I am.

Thank you for your reply!

View Quoted Comment I get that. You grow up a good part of your life with that last name. I've seen people keep their last name and just add their spouses name on the end almost making their last name like a second middle name. I've seen people keep their maiden name on all their important documents and just use their spouses name socially. I've also seen the opposite where people changed their important documents to their married name but like on social media keep their last name the same. There are so many options out there with keeping your last name while still using his. I hope you find a good one option that suits you.

I personally love my middle name so I didn't want to get rid of that either. Our situation is pretty similar - I have a last name I love, no brother to carry it on, and it's just me and my little sister. So, I chose to hyphenate my last name with my husband's. Although, now I'm wishing I didn't choose the hyphen (whoops) lol

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Yeah, you have a good point. These days you can really call yourself whatever you want, as long as you sign important things with your legal name. Just feels like such a big decision, as I will be called whatever I choose for the rest of my life, ya know??? Thank you so much for your insight

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LOL so you think you would have been happier with a double barreled last name? I considered hyphenation but I don't really like the idea of committing to both names in every single setting. I'd have to present and sign my name everywhere no matter what. And I think FH doesn't like hyphenating either because I'm not really his Mrs. FHLastName then, but I could probably do it with a double last name.

We could be the same person tbh lol I also have a younger sister who I think has no intention of keeping her last name when she gets married someday. Maybe I have some kind of sense of duty being the eldest that I should keep it, plus I like my name, I never felt any ill will towards it at any point in my life.

Thank you for the reply!

View Quoted Comment You're welcome 😊

This is super long, but I hope it helps, let me know if I missed anything or if you have any other questions:

I had always planned on option one, but I chose to go with option two because it was possible to do it that way on the (MA) marriage license. I didn't want to lose any of my names, but I also didn't want to have to petition a court to keep any of my names or to add his when I should just be able to do that by getting married. I'm really happy with my decision.

{For the sake of clearer examples: my first name is Alexandra; middle initial D; maiden name initial K; husband's last initial W.}

There aren't that many forms where the number of characters in each name is limited. Part of your name might occasionally get cut off, but it shouldn't cause a problem. When plane tickets were printed on the thicker paper from the ticket counter (now luggage check-in area) the end of my first name got cut off pretty regularly, but I never had a problem getting through security as a result of it.

I've always signed my name: Alexandra D K_____ but on the line where you print your name, I wrote out all three names. For formal things I'll probably continue to do that with the addition of my new last name, but for less important things like credit card receipts, I might just use A D K_____ W____. My signature is legible, but a lot of people's don't even look like they include letters, so I don't think it really matters what it actually says as long as it's consistent.

I did just get married and I also live in a place that's still very aware of the coronavirus risk, so I won't fully experience the effects of my name change for a while given my current lack of activities that involve enough people to alphabetize. I will say it was a bit of a hassle to get our marriage license with my name on it correctly. There were some COVID-specific issues involved combined with the fact that Boston City Hall still fills them out WITH A TYPEWRITER, though, so I don't think the same issues would necessarily come up in other situations.

Some people probably won't realize that I have two last names, but I don't think it'll be a problem. Places that use my legal name and in situations where I enter my name myself, like if I sign up for an event that I need to check into, I'll probably be alphabetized under K because I'll type K_____ W_____ when any form asks for my last name. For weddings or social events, I might be under K or I might be W, depending on how well the couple/host knows us. I wanted to keep my whole name for a bunch of reasons, but I like the idea of having a shared/family name and I don't think it will bother me to be listed as Mrs. W____ on someone else's seating chart.

With kids, we'll do something like your first option. FirstName MiddleName MyMaidenAsMiddle OurLastName. Practically, that would make it easy for us to be the W____ family and the kid(s) would legally have the same surname as my husband, but I would feel like I was still passing on my name* and I think it will make it easier to explain to schools, etc. because my full last name will still be part of their name(s).

*I have brothers, but I'm the oldest child, too. I think that gives you a certain sense of responsibility over things that can be hard to shake.

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Wow, first off, thank you so much for the detailed response!

This does make me feel better about potentially choosing this option. I have a feeling that similar to MA, this would be the easier option in NJ and I could just do this through the marriage license process. And with this option, versus hyphenation, I think we can still be the FHLastNames. This way we can still get monogrammed towels (his words, not mine lol).

To your point, I think people probably won't realize there is a double last name, but I don't think this would bother me, just hope there aren't any issues with documents that get printed. But anything I fill out on my own should be fine, and casually I can still be Mrs. FHLastName. And I also suggested giving our children my maiden name for their middle name, and FH is definitely taking it into consideration. Then hopefully wouldn't cause any issues with schools.

Did your DH have any preference in how you changed your name? Ultimately it was obviously your choice, but I'm assuming there was some discussion around it still. My FH just wants me to be able to be called Mrs. FHLastName, which as I said, I can do with either option, but I have a feeling he'd like me to try the double middle name first to see if I can avoid the court order.

Thank you again so much for the really thought out reply! It sounds like this has worked out for you, barring the issues with COVID.

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My mom changed her maiden name to her middle name (she dropped her middle name) when my parents got married and my brothers and I all have her maiden name as our middle name. I don't think it mattered because we all have what was already my dad's last name, but it's kind of nice to have that. We'll give ours two middle names so we still get to choose two names for each of them. Like I said, I think including my maiden name as part of the kids names could make things easier, but I don't think it's completely necessary. At this point there are so many options in terms of what people choose for their last names and who they choose to raise their children with, so I think schools will be a lot more understanding with parent/child name differences when we have kids than they were with my friends' parents when I was a kid.

I had always had it in my head that I was going to do the two middle names thing (before I met my husband, I don't even know when/where I got the idea), so that's what he thought I was going to do until we found out that it wasn't a practical option. I was kind of freaking out in the 3 days between when we filled out the application online and when we went to city hall for our appointment because it wasn't clear what my options were and I was more afraid than I expected to be about the possibility of losing one of my names. Apparently he wasn't sure what I was going to do at that point but he didn't want to pressure me since it was ultimately my choice and honestly, telling me that he wanted me to take his name may actually have made me less likely to do it. He was thrilled when I ended up taking his name, even in an atypical way.

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I think it is a lovely idea to give children the maiden name as a middle name, I also thought about two middle names for them, so that they don't all have the same middle name if we have multiple kids. I do think that things will be better in the future in regards to people recognizing that kids and parents can have different names, but there will always be old school people who don't get it. My mother often had a hard time picking up my sister from school because they looked nothing alike, and they had the same last name!!

I imagine this will be me, freaking out when I have to do the application lol. Even now I am anxious about what the final decision will be when I go in a couple months. I had a long heart to heart with my FH about it because, while it was my decision and he respected that, I kinda wanted him to tell me if it was truly important or not that I change my name, and finally he expressed his feelings and we were able to arrive at these compromises, where I felt less pressured to do it but he felt like I was truly committing to him.