My Passive-aggressive Family is Ruining my Big Day...

I think you know what you need to do! If they are doing nothing but make the planning process miserable, you should not involve them in it anymore.

Im sorry you are dealing with this it stinks, but you’ll feel a lot better when you remove yourself from their negativity!

I know it’s your family and you want them to be involved but if they’re only going to ruin it there’s no point in having them there. If you’re close with your fmil why don’t you include her in some of the big planning things? I hope things get better!

This situation sucks. But there’s a simple solution: exclude them from the planning process. If all they do is make you cry and get upset, why would you continue to give them the opportunity to do so?

I absolutely would take this solution if it was even an option... they make you feel so guilty when they don’t get their way. My mother made me feel like crap since I didn’t pick her dress, then she just down played every other dress I tried until I agreed with her choice. Thankfully, I stood up for myself. Still a bad experience though

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If you stop inviting them to things, they can't get mad when you don't take their advice. Do they typically ask you about things? If you don't bring it up, will they? You invited your mom wedding dress shopping so you invited her negativity. Now that you know, if you were for example to just set up time to pick out flowers, you pick what you want, and pay for it, do you think she would ask later down the road, when are you picking out flowers, I have an opinion? Are they paying for it? If you pay for it yourself, you definitely don't need to let them know about anything and they can just see it all together when they show up to your wedding. Good luck.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Especially from two women who you would think you can lean on the most for their support.
To avoid having these moments and rude comments from them, I would just exclude them during your planning process. If you want to speak to them about their behavior, go for it. If possible, ask your bridesmaid to accompany you whenever you need a companion.
This should be a happy time for you; not a stressed filled one!

Is your family paying for the wedding?

If the answer is no, don't involve them in any further planning. They don't need to be there. I understand your frustration and pain. I'd love for my family to be involved, and be excited, but I'd much rather have them not be involved than to be involved and so critical.

Sounds like my mom... She was upset that my dress had a $499 price tag and kept giving me $99 and telling me the one I loved wasn't good enough, and it made me feel really bad until I realized what she was doing!... Then my dad basically told me I was throwing my money away wanted a big wedding! (Simply put we are having a big wedding because people keep dying and the only time we see our friends and family are at funerals, so we decided against our smaller wedding we had envisioned because we won't get another chance to bring everyone together) ... Anyway he made me feel like crap about what we were spending that I change our vision and FH is like whatever is going to make you less stressed... Then I realized what we were doing to cut costs was not realistic and would put stress on our guests, so I am back at original plan which is costing a little more because we could accommodate more quests with the cheaper way! Anyway long story short is we are back to original plan with more guests spending more money (because we are 100% paying out of pocket), and I no longer tell my mom or dad any details about the wedding and I am not stressed at all!!! So personally unless they are contributing A LOT financially I wouldn't include them!

You need to take care of yourself first. I know you don't want to seem mean or ungrateful, but because letting this toxicity in will cause more hurt and resentment in the long run you need to distance yourself a bit. Your MOH sounds like a great person to help you make any decisions you want a second opinion on. Good luck & be happy!

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Hi Leah! Sls says it perfectly here. Taking care of yourself, your wedding plans, and avoiding negativity & toxicity is key.

Good luck to you in this situation and hang in there! Your wedding day will be here before you know it and it's going to be great! We are so excited for you!

I'm sorry you're dealing with a family who clearly puts their feelings before your feelings. They should be happy for you and helping to make all this planning special.

IMO, you need to cut them out of the planning process completely. You're only going to feel worse and worse as time goes on if you keep including them. If they aren't paying, then they do not need to be part of the planning.

Best of luck!

I understand and I’m so sorry.

My parents constantly try to convince me to elope(cause they don’t agree with the marriage to begin with) and try to convince me to not get married because my FH is not their cookie cutter version they wanted. They downplayed my engagement and have through out the planning process showed no interest or enthusiasm. My stepmom went with to pick out my dress which has been the only positive thing they’ve done. They admitted to me the other day they have been ignoring our wedding and the topic, unfollowed us both on Facebook to avoid seeing stuff he posts (sarcastic memes), and has been dodging us (coming over, etc). At this point as much as it hurts, it hurts more their attitude towards it all, so I’ve stopped talking to them about details.

Thank you everyone for your advice! I have decided to limit their access to the planning, and they are contributing little, if not nothing to the entire wedding. I still want them to be apart of it, but I decided that it was time for me to stand up for myself when they try to make me feel bad. It's worked with my mother so far, but my I haven't really tried with my grandmother.

Again, thank you for the advice! I finally had a great time planning my wedding with my bridesmaids this weekend! We got their dresses and more decor!

-Leah

So sorry that you are going through this. When I went dress shopping my mother begged to come with. I picked her up and we went to the bridal salon. As I was trying on dresses I could hear her say that I was taking too long and that she needed to get yard work done. It was so embarrassing the owner felt so sorry for me along with some of the other moms that were at the salon with their daughters. I did end up finding the one but was disappointed that my mother tried to ruin my day. It was very hurtful. Just try your best to keep on smiling and do not allow the negativity to get to you.

I wonder if there’s a reasoning behind this??? Maybe your mom is upset she was out of state when you got proposed to so now she is taking her anger out on you. Does ur fam not like your FH? Is ur mom upset because she is footing part of the bill? Are finances tight? Is she divorced or has a bad marriage? Maybe she is jealous of your relationship... also your grandma saying you need to lose a few pounds...ignore her. My grandma says the most passive aggressive comments even about hair color (and I’ve never dyed my hair any color unnatural before lol). She’s probably just crabby.

No offense but your mother sounds miserable for whatever reason and your grandmother not far behind. You don't need that bad mojo!! I would say don't include them in anymore things. My mom doesn't make terrible comments to me but she has tried to guilt trip me into things. I give a little but I am standing my ground on what I WANT for my day. In your case you might have to cut her off from planning entirely.

I think many mothers come into some sort of trying to relive their wedding through ours or that they want to do traditions they did YET the times have changed so much.

My mom literally was arguing with me that it's maiden of honor instead of maid of honor. I said uh the terms are maid of honor and matron if married. Never heard of the whole maiden thing. Then she goes well it's gonna get printed wrong on the programs. I said WHAT PROGRAMS. I don't want and am not spending money on a piece of paper for a 20 minute ceremony. No thanks

Congratulations 🍾🎊🎉🎈 on your engagement!

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I know it’s family but if they’re toxic 💀 they don’t need to be a part of your wedding day!

I have been getting somewhat similar reactions from my mother. Only negative. So i decided to just not tell her things anymore.

I look at it this way…after planning my wedding for a year and being recently married, planning is super stressful and doesn’t bring out the best in many people. It should be fun, enjoyable, etc, but in reality it can be a complete nightmare. With that being said, It sucks that both your mother and your grandmother, the two people that should be super supportive and happy for you, seem to be Ruining it right now. Perhaps you need to have a conversation with them about what your expectations for the wedding planning process are and what their expectations are. If you can’t come to a middle ground, and they continue to be Debbie downer’s, then I would give them the boot. But up until that point I would do whatever I can to make sure that at the end of the day, I’ve done everything that I possibly could to make this as enjoyable for myself as possible. Remember there’s a generational difference between you, mom and gma, so they may have a different vision and expectations than you. It was that way with my mom; she wanted me in a ball gown dress, and I wanted nothing to do with that. I wanted something classy, but fitted and backless. I tried it on as my 3rd dress and while my mom was talking to the person helping us, I was like this is it. After taking a moment and realizing what I wanted was still classy and beautiful, she cried and fell in love with it. To this day, she still talks about my dress. So go out to dinner, have a conversation, go from there. If they continue to rain on your parade, then minimize them in your planning. It sounds like you want your mom and grandmother there, but have a conversation with them first about your expectations and vision. Good luck with this, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! You get married! And it’ll happen either way!