My parents are driving me crazy

Unfortunately I have seen/heard stuff like this happen a lot - you have a people-pleasing personality, and that often leads to you getting steamrolled, probably in many areas of your life, not just the wedding. You will need to learn to put your foot down and set boundaries, otherwise they will not change.

Figure out what type of wedding YOU want, and then go to them and say "Mom and Dad, I appreciate you offering to pay for the wedding but FI and I would like more freedom to plan a wedding that reflects who we are as a couple. For that reason I understand if you don't want to contribute anymore, and that's fine, we can pay for it if need be. If you still want to contribute, we will need to have a conversation to ensure we are on the same page before anything is booked or paid for. We would also like to involve MIL in some of the decisions as a gesture of inclusivity."

If they dig their heels in and say it's their wedding, then you politely remind them it is you and your fiance's wedding and you will therefore have to plan/pay for it yourself.

I understand you don't want to lose your parents but by the sounds of it they are very controlling/manipulative. There is no winning with people like that. If they do not respect you, the relationship goes nowhere.

View Quoted Comment EXCATLY. I have tried so many things to help it but nothing seems to work. All i know is i willl
Lose them if his family winds up giving us the wedding we want. So it’s a no win situation.

Tiger Bride is right. You and FH need to pay for your own wedding so that you can do it the way you want and include who you want.

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SO basically if i don't really care for the wedding they are doing i have to do it on my own even if i lose my parents? and if i just let them do they wedding there way thats that ? i just need to let it go? im not sure if i explained that right

It sounds like FMIL loves you guys and is trying to be generous and supportive of your union. Could you just be really honest with her?- tell her that, for whatever reason, it is really important to your parents that they pay for your wedding. Let her know how thankful you are for her offer of support and generosity, and if she really wants to contribute to your union she could put the money toward your honeymoon, or a down payment for a new home, etc.

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I think you are overthinking it. Yes they may be angry if you tell them that you and FH want more control of your own wedding, but they will get over it. If your parents don't get over you choosing to be an adult and pay and plan your own wedding then that's on them. Deciding to get married is a huge decision to make and I feel very strongly that a couple should also be responsible enough to plan/pay for their own wedding. It's part of that decision to start a life together.

Btw, I know this situation is causing issues for you right now, but truly what an awesome problem to have! You have multiple people wanting to finance your wedding! A lot of couples don’t have either sets of parents that want to contribute. So, although it is causing some tension at the moment, try to remind yourself that you are actually very blessed to have such amazing support from both sets of parents 💕

You need to put your foot down asap if you don't want them controlling the rest of your life too. That is the meanest lie any parent could tell their child is that it is the parents' wedding. If the parents are not saying vows then they need to step back. If it was me, they would not be invited as a result and we would not speak either, because no one deserves that level of hate and toxicity from their own family who is supposed to love them unconditionally . It sounds like you and your fiance need to put together what money you have and plan something small with your closest supportive friends, because your parents are not supportive AT.ALL.

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The problem isn't the wedding and whether you like what they're planning or not. The problem is that they are controlling, possessive, and at least somewhat manipulative, and have been for most of your life. It won't end here, they will try to exert control over where you live, when you have kids, how you raise them, etc. People like this hardly ever just change unless they have some kind of major self-reckoning/come to Jesus moment.

The healthiest, best thing you can do you yourself in the long run is to say, Mom and Dad, this is our wedding and we want to plan it the way we want. If they cut you off for planning YOUR wedding to be what YOU want, that is very, very clearly toxic. If you give in to their demands, they are still toxic...

The only positive way out of this is you slowly and deliberately flex the muscles of independence and start creating boundaries. If your family is reasonable (they might not be), they will learn they don't get to steamroll you and your relationship will arrive at a new equilibrium with you getting more respect. If you don't do this, they just continue doing what they want and pushing you over.

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I agree with Tiger Bride.... She's provided a very clear and likely correct interpretation. If your parents are just overly enthusiastic and don't realize what they are doing, hopefully, they will come to see things differently once you explain it to them. However, if they are truly manipulative and controlling, and know that about themselves, explaining how you feel might potentially help them realize that you and your FH will not find their approach acceptable and they may start to rethink the way they are used to doing things. Good luck!

I think if you don't take control over this situation by being blunt and telling your parents the way it is, then this kind of behavior from them will keep continuing through out every event you have. Think about when you have kids all the baby showers, birthday parties etc they are going to try and control. And unfortunately it will eventually affect your marriage. I've seen it before with my friend who had a relative exactly like this. If I was you I'd tell them that you decided that you and your fiance are going to pay for the wedding yourselves. They will probably be upset but not enough to stop talking to you. And If they get that mad where they don't want to have anything to do with you then they are just doing you a favor because that means they are toxic people you don't want or need in your life.

View Quoted Comment Unfortunately many parents are this way and see absolutely nothing wrong with their behavior, especially when pointed out by anyone. It does not stop until you decide to cut the toxicity out of your life for your own mental health. Unless you cut ties with them, they will continue without hesitation to defy any boundaries you set up because they feel they do not apply to them and how dare you suggest they do. Unfortunately those folks will never see the light and respect you in any way.

I will say this...the rule is if they pay they have a say. I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart and explain that you feel that you have no say in your wedding and because they are paying for it they feel it is their day. While you appreciate their help but you would like you and your fh to have decisions making ability and if your parents cannot allow that then thank them for being willing to pay but you respectfully decline their money and will fund the wedding yourself.

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Unfortunately, I suspect you are right. I was trying to take a hopeful tone, but that isn't likely based on what OP said.

View Quoted Comment Definitely. One can always hope they will see the error of their ways and back down on their own but many do not and the relationship gets more and more toxic as a result. Because society teaches that you respect and obey parents no matter how cruel and unreasonable they are. Those who find the courage to break away from the negativity are shunned and told they are wrong.

I just cant take the way this is being handled anymore its irritating and uncalled for...I am afraid nothing I do will be the right thing...i appreciate all the advice thank you all!

This is heartbreaking... it seems so often when parents pay for the wedding they think for whatever reason they have the final say. My mother-in-law would have been the same way with only paying for $1,500 of the wedding... we had a discussion with her and informed her the check she wrote out went straight to our honeymoon, therefore, she did not pay for 1 penny of our wedding and has no say whatsoever. This actually worked out really well for us as she tried mentioning one thing she wanted and we shut it down and said our wedding since we are paying 100%. I would never entertain someone else making decisions- this is how wedding regret happens and I see it alllll the time on here!

If it were me I would let go of their offer to pay because it obviously comes with harsh strings attached that will only continue to cause more issues. This is just the beginning. If you want the freedom then you need to go with what you and your FH can afford (and also see if your FMIL is willing to help cause that’s still something!) That way you have complete control. Unfortunately, many parents act this way when they are paying.

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I'm sorry you feel like you are in such a difficult position. If this has been going on for your entire life, you might benefit from talking with a therapist about how you can attempt to establish boundaries where it sounds like none have existed before. I'm assuming if you are getting married then you are a fully-functioning adult and it might be way past time for some adjustments to the relationship between you and your parents. As someone else said, the only thing you can control is yourself and your reactions to their behavior. You and your fiancé absolutely have the right to have your wedding the way you want to, so you need to make it clear to your parents that you are going to do just that. If they are still willing to contribute financially, that's awesome; if not, you understand that decision and will pay for the wedding you want within your means (potentially with help from his mom or whomever else offers to contribute without substantial strings attached). Good luck!

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THANK YOU SO MUCH!