My Mother is Driving Me Crazy

This is probably an UO, but it's nearly impossible to convincingly tell mom that "you're an adult in an adult relationship and the two of you will have the wedding you want" when you're still living in their home rent free.

As sucky as it is on your end, parents feel entitled to treat you like a child and control your activities so long as you continue to live under their roof and on their dime

You have a while to deal with this honey. I'm dealing with a similar situation and my best advice is to avoid wedding talk with her when possible. If she isn't paying for the wedding then her input doesn't hold much weight.

@Vicki, no worries. I agree with what you're saying.

I have lived on my own before, both during college and after. I moved back to be near FH. There are several factors that contribute to me living at home, though I have seriously considered moving out. I miss my independence so much!

And now we move into territory that is probably going to make you all think I and my family are looney.

My parents don't want me to marry FH. Before I go into details, the context is that I grew up in a rather conservative, Christian, homeschooling family where dating was discouraged and"courtship" (i.e. heavy parental involvement in dating) was what was supposed to happen. I signed a piece of paper when I was 10 that stated I wouldn't date until my parents gave me permission (something my mother still holds over my head).I love my parents. I really do. And all of this has been tearing me apart because I want FH and myself to have a good relationship with them.

They're mainly upset that 1) we started dating without their permission, and 2) we've been physically affectionate against their wishes (expressly given by my dad to FH and not to me). Of course, now we've got the whole getting engaged without their blessing in the equation, too, in addition to church drama that has been there since the beginning and the fact that FH views the world culturally differently. They're also concerned about his family background because his parents are divorced and his dad's side aren't Christians ("Do you REALLY want your kids to be around that environment?" Is actually a phrase that has come out of my mother's mouth). Oh, and my mom wishes I would marry someone who was homeschooled like me.

My dad feels like FH doesn't respect him, and my parents feel like we both broke their trust in the things I mentioned. What really broke the camel's back, though, was that we (FH and I very stupidly) agreed to not talk to each other for an indefinite amount of time (to be decided by my dad) to help "rebuild trust" with my parents. After a month we'd had it, especially with what we thought was his departure for OCS coming up, and we broke THAT agreement. And we got engaged right after that, because we had been putting it off for so long for my parents' sakes and our tattered relationship with them - and at that point, we knew they weren't going to change their minds.

FH and I admit to our mistakes. We haven't been perfect in all of this, and we both have ways in which we need to grow. But my parents have completely blown things out of proportion and are interpreting my choosing to be an adult and make decisions for myself as FH brainwashing me. And they love me more than anything and have convinced themselves that I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. Most of the other people we've talked to about this think my parents are crazy. (Which makes me sad, because they really are, for the most part, good parents.)

Anyway, now we're planning a wedding and my mom still wants to give input even though she doesn't want it to happen. So, any response of, "Well, we can't afford to have those people at our wedding," is met with, "Then maybe you should put off the wedding and save longer," to which the response is, "We don't want to wait that long, and this is the best time with his Navy schedule," which is met with, "Why are you trying to rush? Why can't you be patient and trust God that if it's meant to be, it'll happen?"

Sorry about the long post.

Oh, my.

That is a LOT to deal with.

First of all, and foremost, you need to remove yourself from this environment. It's toxic. You are going to spend the next six months leading up to your wedding, which should be the happiest time in your life, defending every choice you make. You're going to have to deal with their constant negativity and constantly trying to derail this wedding. The fact that they would hold you to some sort of "agreement" you signed when you were 10 years old is absolutely ridiculous.

I am Catholic, but this is the kind of thing I hate about religion. Instead of acceptance, it teaches separation and hate. Divorced people aren't bad people. Nor are students who went to public or private school. Nor are those who date without having their parents intimately involved. Do you and FH want to be a part of this Church? It doesn't sound like its important to you. It sounds like you love your parents, which I get. I do.

Honestly OP, I know this isn't easy to hear. But I think you should move out ASAP. Figure out an apartment. Make it clear to your parents that this wedding will go forward with or without their approval. I know this is incredibly difficult, especially if they decide not to come or something awful like that.

Your dad's behavior is especially bothering me. You're an adult. You agreed to marry your FH, and that is ultimately where your loyalty should lie. I know its probably really hard to imagine walking away from your family, but it honestly seems like they will never be okay with your FH, which means they'll never be okay with your marriage. I know I couldn't defend my marriage to anyone for my whole life.

For what it's worth, I'm really truly sorry. This situation sucks.

FH and I have discussed me moving out. There just aren't many options for apartments around here (I don't live in a city), and I'd feel bad if I managed to get a roommate and then left her in 6 months. We've also thought about me moving to SC early (that's where we're going to be while he's in nuclear power school), which would be good as far as me getting a job, but then I'd be planning our wedding long-distance.

I've been living with the negativity for the past nearly year-and-a-half. It's of course going to be different once FH is at OCS this fall and I can't even talk to him, but I've been managing (some days better than others) so far. It HAS caused tension for FH and I, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I feel bad that his FIL's don't adore him and that it probably won't ever change. It isn't fair to him. But it has tested our relationship and commitment to each other, and we've grown stronger as a couple because of it. I'm glad that I can have confidence in our ability to get through difficult circumstances together.

As for the church/religion side of it...I don't agree with everything my parents believe or certain ways in which they view the world. But I do love Jesus, and my faith is my own. FH is a believer, as well. My parents are actually the ones who are no longer part of our church (they attend a different one now), and I officially "joined" after they left (which they viewed as a betrayal). But that's another story. I agree with you about the separation thing. People are too quick to put others into boxes. Then, it's easy to stay comfortable in your bubble and point your finger and pretend you're better than they are because you're doing things a certain way or believe certain things. If faith is done the right way, one serves others and puts them first. One doesn't put oneself on a pedestal and look down their nose at people who have different backgrounds or worldviews. One recognizes one's own shortcomings and admits to being imperfect, but still tries to love God and others in spite of it because of the love that has been shown to them.

I've already made it as clear to my parents as I can that I'm going through with this marriage. I have full confidence that my mom will continue to passive-aggressively fight it until FH and I have said our vows, and then my family and extended family on her side will talk about FH and I behind our backs (because I've already seen that happen with my cousin and his wife). When thinking about my wedding, one of the hardest parts is the possibility that my dad won't walk me down the aisle. I know they'll be there, because I'm their daughter and they love me, but it will kill me to not have my dad walk me down the aisle. He was the first man I ever loved, and while he has hurt me a lot over the course of my relationship with FH, I still love him deeply and know he loves me too. I just wish he would realize that his pride and need for respect *his way* are getting in the way of supporting his daughter.

You're right that FH is the one with whom my loyalty should lie now. And that's why I have chosen him and am willing to deal with this situation with my family. I had a point where I had to make that choice, to walk away from FH and make things better with my family, or to choose FH and face a familial relationship that would never be the same. I'll be dealing with the ramifications of that for the rest of my life because I love them and won't cut off ties unless FH and I were to decide that it was needed for the sake of our marriage.

All I know is that I can't wait to be married and follow FH to SC and not be living in the middle of this mess anymore! I AM excited to start a life with him and make our home together. And while I don't participate as much as most of the regulars, one of the reasons why I love WW is that there are a bunch of others who are excited to be planning/starting their lives with their FS's/DS's, and I can actually be excited about wedding planning with y'all! It's nice to have people who are celebrating around and with me.