My Mother is Driving Me Crazy

When we started our guest lists my mom wanted to invite all her friends because they were at my birthday party where I got engaged, and have known me my whole life. My FH and I want to keep it at 100-150 people and if we invited all her friends we'd end up having 200-250, filled with people I'm not that close with.

I compromised and told her, "I know you're excited but this is also FH's wedding. We want to keep it small. I would love to invite Ate X and X, but I can't invite everyone. Who are like the top 3 you would like to be there?" Then we chatted. Luckily the convo went smoothly.

I had a similar issue with my parents. Dad's family is HUGE, and at one point they told me to invite all the cousins (an additional 24 people). I told them I wasn't inviting people I didn't know, never met, hadn't spoken to in -years-. I reinforced the point by illustrating that a wedding is NOT a birthday party. Its not as simple as an extra can of soda and slice of cake. This isn't a "well, they invited you to theirs, so you should invite them to yours" type of thing.

The biggest fight I got was over the decision to do a 21 and over wedding. "But they invited you to their wedding when you were a kid!" That's fine. That was also their call. I get ONE DAY, and as I'm paying for it, I get final say in guest list.

That being said, I -did- give in on some of their requests (just not all, and not the ones that were people I've never met).

I'm having the same issue. My mom is adding people I've either 1 never met (but know they are family in some way) or 2 people I haven't seen since I was a kid. She insists that she knows they won't come but we still have to send them an invite. She had just my side alone at 145 people. If we removed the ones I don't know/haven't seen that would take off at least 65 people. Since she is paying I get a small say but not much. But because she ran up my guest list she is trying to tell my FH that he needs to remove people from his (mostly because my FIL aren't contributing) Which I don't think is fair. His guest list is at 75 (friends and family) there is a few he is willing to take off because he wouldn't even care if they showed or not but I don't think he should have to compromise just because she ran up out guest list. I tried to remove people and she just added them right back on to it.

If they aren't paying I would have her provide you a list of the people she thinks she needs to invite and then go through and pick 10 of them (a bit generous I know) and tell her if she wants to invite the others she needs to cover the costs for them.

I'm having similar issues, my parents want to invite friends THEY haven't seen in years, and I don't even know. However, they are paying for a significant portion of the wedding so I don't feel it is worth pushing back just yet. I've asked my mom to stop talking about the wedding to everyone she talks to on the phone because then she feels obligated to invite them. For your parents, you can start by pointing out that you haven't stayed in touch; you don't have recent contact information for them; it costs $X per plate and it's not in your budget; if she wants to see them, she should invite them to her home and spend time with them!

My family is very similar-- it seems like we HAVE to invite everyone and anyone who has said hi to us! Luckily when we got the cost per person and I explained my vision of a wedding (small and intimate-- wanted to elope with parents as our witness but caused too much controversy) to both mothers understood.

Now there are still people on the guest list that our families spend lots of time with but my FH and I do not. There had to be some compromise. But we did get the guest list down from 200+ to 90!!!

The root of it all is communication. Just have a heart to heart with your mom and explain. Maybe encourage her to have a New Years party or holiday party to spend time with these people without inviting them to your wedding! That is what my mother is doing. She is throwing a holiday block party in our neighborhood for those who were and were not invited to our small, intimate wedding- not affiliated at all with the wedding and it is not in lieu of the wedding reception. Just a party that keeps her happy

I have yet to let my mother look at my guest list. She was very upset that I didn't invite some of her friends to my sister's baby shower so I can only imagine how much she's going to increase my guest list. I should also mention she is not contributing financially at all

My FMIL is the same way, she wants to invite all HER friends, and they already have a large family. While they are helping, somewhat, financially we just couldn't fit everyone in the venue either. FH talked with her and discussed that we'll invite her friends as long as they have been somewhat involved in FH's life. Between FH and I, we discussed that we wouldn't want to be invited/go to someone's wedding we didn't know just because the mom/dad was our friend.

She's also been way too involved to a point where she was booking vendors without telling us, but on the other hand my own parents gave us a check and told us to make the wedding ours so the situation is a little different. Weddings make everyone a little crazy so just make sure you communicate or else you might have crashers!

To be 100% fair, in this particular example you've given, you opened the discussion by questioning the guest list of a party she was throwing. But if there are lots of other instances where she's getting up in your face about who you're inviting, either stop talking about the guest list with her, or just continue reminding her who you are and are not comfortable with inviting. It's your wedding.

@Audrey, it's true that I opened the discussion on that one. I need to just grow a backbone and not take offense when she tries to manipulate and guilt trip me over how FH and I are planning our wedding.

@OP you didn't answer the question many asked. Are they paying for the wedding?

@Vicki, I had already answered it in my first post. "It should be noted that they have NOT offered to pay for any of our wedding."

I know the easy answer is that no money, no input, but I also have to live with them for the next 6 months, most of which FH won't be around because he'll be off at Navy training.

I think the best way to handle it is to just say, "I'm sorry, we can't add more people." And just keep repeating it. Don't give explanations, because none are owed and others may just try to use your words against you. Keep it simple, don't be emotional, just matter of fact. Sooner or later they will have to accept that you're serious about it.

So I don't necessarily recommend this, it depends on who you are as a person and your relationship with your mom. FFIL told us that FH's aunt and uncle had to be invited (we are doing immediate family + WP only). I said to him "how wonderful, we couldn't afford a big wedding, but you are going to pay for it, that is amazing. When should we expect the check?" He laughed but he has not tried to guilt us into inviting someone since.

@Op, I think you should maybe just sit your mom down now. And explain that this isn't just your wedding - it's your FHs too - and all wedding decisions need to be made by you both mutually.

If you don't set boundaries now, you'll be dealing with this until the wedding and then beyond it.

I get a lot of unsolicited advice and input from my opinionated aunt. I politely say thanks, we'll look into it. We haven't made that decision yet. My aunt is the type that frames her opinion very strongly like " you aren't doing XYZ, are you?" With a turned up nose.

I just blankly stare back at her. It's so uncomfortable she eventually changes the subject.

Do you pay rent? I know it's not directly related to wedding stuff, but when I lived at home my mom used to hold it over my head to get her way, which is why I moved out at 21. Is your mom the type to do that?

Mom I only have X amount of dollars. If you invite 10 more of your friends you'll have to pick up the bill.

My mom keeps thinking of people to invite but my dad tells her no we haven't seen them in so many years, so I'm lucky that he is super helpful as far as that goes. I'd just tell her that you feel bad if you invite all of her friends and not all of fmil's as well and you don't have the budget to do both.

@Macy, no, I don't pay rent. I have offered before, but my parents don't want me to. I do contribute chores-wise and helping with taking care of my little siblings if needed. But honestly, rent/no rent doesn't make a difference at my parents', because the house belongs to them and they make that loud and clear (to the point to telling FH and I that there are to be no displays of physical affection whatsoever - even something as innocent as him playing with my hair or touching my arm - when we're there because it makes everyone else "uncomfortable").

There's a whole lot more drama in the situation, I just don't know how much I should share here/if I even want to share it. Bottom line, you've all had some good advice, and hopefully it'll really help!

I honestly think it's an unwritten rule in the mom book for them to drive us crazy during wedding planning

@OP, I mean this is the nicest way, so please don't take it any other way.

It seems a bit much that your FH can't even hold your hand under their roof. You're about to marry this man. You're an adult. You're adult enough to be married, and it's only six months away.

Is there a reason they are so controlling/over-protective? Do they not like your FH? Do they not support you getting married?

I will say that I'm not a huge fan of the idea of not living on your own independently prior to marriage. I understand that some areas of the country/religions/cultures are different in that respect, but being out on your own is part of growing up. If you've never had to worry about things like rent, cooking, cleaning, etc., it's gonna be an even bigger adjustment when married life comes along and living with FH happens. I'm not knocking different cultures, I'm just pointing out that it can hamper your ability to develop a sense of independence.

It seems like you feel pretty controlled by your parents. If I was living under my parents' roof after age 22 when I graduated school I think I'd lose it. I love them dearly but I don't need to be parented anymore.

Just some food for thought. I'm sorry you've got this on your plate. I would really work on developing a voice and standing up for your soon to be married self.