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Andrea
Master January 2021

My Head Hurts...

Andrea, on September 25, 2019 at 7:21 AM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 28

Hi everyone, A bit of a long post... I'm so frustrated and almost saddened by the events that have taken place in me and fh's life. For the past few months, FH's eldest aunt has practically been begging us to help with the wedding and randomly sent us some money last Thursday to go towards our...

Hi everyone,

A bit of a long post...

I'm so frustrated and almost saddened by the events that have taken place in me and fh's life. For the past few months, FH's eldest aunt has practically been begging us to help with the wedding and randomly sent us some money last Thursday to go towards our venue. After a conversation with her, we felt good to accept this help. She had previously offered to pay for our honeymoon, but in regards to how she's behaving about the location and such, we've rejected it and she's still insisting we go on HER vacation. Anyhow. After she sent the money, my FH's other two aunts have flat out refused to attend our wedding (but sent early wedding gifts) citing they can't be in the same room as FH's mom. According to them, she's volatile, extremely toxic, warrish and can't keep her thoughts to herself. We were a bit bothered by this, but hey? What can we do, wring their necks and make them come? Not on our list of tasks.


Since his two aunts have rejected, his eldest aunt has been on a smear campaign, sending us volatile messages about FH's mom, citing that she's not helping with the wedding, yet has caused 2 of her sisters not to attend their nephew's wedding. Eldest aunt is furious. She usually messages me, saying that my FH needs to stop acting like a "poor little lost boy" and have an adult convo with his mom about her disgusting behavior towards people. Furthermore, eldest aunt is basically demanding we ask members of FH's dad's side of the family for help... we didn't even ask anyone for anything. Not sure why she's so insistent on this. Claims that FH has been "trained by his mother to ask for money from the same people." Who says that about her nephew? Furthermore anything my FH wants, he gets on his OWN. Eldest aunt clearly decides to ignore the fact that she basically threw the money at us, begging to help in some way. I was so bothered and disgusted.


Guess what the lady did next? CALLED FH'S GRANDFATHER (dad's side) (whom he hasn't seen in 4 years and barely has a relationship with) telling him that she's given us money, and how he needs to contribute something towards our wedding. Can you imagine how crappy that made us look? OMG like his grandpa probably didn't even know we were getting married. It makes me sick that she's essentially calling people on our behalf begging for donations. How disgusting with that? I told FH he needs to put an end to this now.


Next, eldest aunt sent out an email to me and FH that features an extremely long text conversation between herself and FH's mom. If I were to even get into a little bit of what was displayed in that email, I might actually get banned from Wedding Wire forever.. it's that bad. But essentially eldest aunt seems to want to do anything to get fh's mom not to attend our wedding. She has threatened me and told me straight up "Andrea, I'm telling you from now, if fh's mom so much as looks at me in a certain way at your wedding and tries to talk to me, I am going to call the cops." Great, now I have to worry about cops potentially being called at my wedding.


Eldest aunt is so messed up when it comes to money. Literally trying to hijack our wedding. I don't know what to do. I want to give her back the money that she gave us. FH intends on speaking with her very soon, but he's so shaken up and disgusting by these events, that he wants to give himself a few days to collect himself and clear his mind. I suppose I just wanted to rant and get your opinions. Anything helps, thank youSmiley heart

28 Comments

  • Andrea
    Master January 2021
    Andrea ·
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    Hi Madison,

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. For sure we will send the money back and I'll be sure to have FH explain to her why we're doing that. I personally don't want this aunt at the wedding at all, because I truly believe it'll be her, NOT FMIL who will cause a scene of sorts and call the cops. It may take a bit more convincing for my FH to tell her it's best not to come to wedding... as of right now I asked him and he said he really doesn't know if he should go that far. But we'll see. As long as we give her the money back at the MINIMUM, I'll surely be happy with that. This is a messy situation that we surely don't need and I hope things get better for us. Weddings really do bring the worst out of some people.

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  • Suzie
    Super October 2021
    Suzie ·
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    This, exactly. This woman is clearly unhinged and very toxic. So inappropriate for her to call and demand money from others. Cut her off. FH needs to address this ASAP.

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  • L. Thomson
    Expert October 2020
    L. Thomson ·
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    I agree, I would send her the money back, with a gracious note thanking her so much for her offer to assist but you and your FH have chose to financing your wedding on your own in order to prevent any further family disagreements.
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  • Andrea
    Master January 2021
    Andrea ·
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    Hey there,

    I like your suggestion a lot. She probably expects us to fire back, but sometimes you've got to kill people with kindness. Thank you so much for that.Smiley heart

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  • J
    Savvy November 2019
    J2B ·
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    I'm so sorry you're going through this let alone at this special time. I learned the way people choose to interact with you says way more about them than it does about you. Also, there are many times & situations in which you do not need to apologize, explain or defend your decisions. Unfortunately, I suspect no matter your choice her toxic antics will continue in some form or another. For your own peace of mind, I recommend find a way to graciously accept the cash gift with a nice thank you note & make your own choices from there regardless of her input or simply return funds with a thanks but no thanks. All the other stuff deserves no more energy from this point forward focus on making your day as special as possible. If folks dont want to attend your wedding--their reasons arent really that important---it's ok, invite someone who wants to be there or take the cash savings from paying for less people either is a bonus! I wish you the best!
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  • Andrea
    Master January 2021
    Andrea ·
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    Hi Jamie,

    Thank you kindly for your input! But honestly, it feels so weird to graciously accept her cash gift and she's going on like this. I think we will go with the latter and give her money back as you've suggested. She even messaged me this morning saying "I sent you and FMIL's son an email showing her behavior, and no has has come to my defence or supported me, there is no vice or virtue in that family." See how disgusting she is. She doesn't even say my FH's name or say my nephew. It's so foul. I'd prefer her not to come all together but FH doesn't feel good about telling her she can't come at all. Thank you for your kind wordsSmiley heart

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  • J
    Savvy November 2019
    J2B ·
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    You're welcome. Whatever decision you make will be the right one.
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  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
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    Wow! I'm sorry you guys are having to deal with this. Planning a wedding is stressful enough.

    I agree with others. Give eldest aunt her money back at minimum with the note that was mentioned before thanking her but you're financing it yourselves.

    Nothing she is doing is okay. The mother of the groom will be attending the wedding! Who the heck insists that the grooms mom not go to their own child's wedding? It's insane. She needs to know that she is to be cordial to your FMIL, no cops are to be called, no scene is to be made..she is to act respectfully or she is to stay home. If she wants to act like a child she needs to be spoken to as one.
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