My engagement party was ruined

IDK if cancelling the party was really giving in to the mom tantrum. Giving in would be to expand the guest list. Cancelling shows her you're doing it your way or not at all. Don't resent her for it, that lets her behavior affect your mood when you should be enjoying being engaged. But do remember this when you choose what to share with her in the future. Think of some small things she can be involved in and feel control over. Let her help with decisions you don't care as much about, but will still help her feel involved. I wouldn't go to her for opinions on the important stuff.

Look as far as throwing my own party I'm fine with it, my parents don't have the money to throw it. And I would not expect them to. We're paying for the wedding and everything that comes with it. I'm OK with it. Not everyone's parents are well off enough throw a wedding/party for their kids. Throwing my own engagement party is not the problem here

I second having a get-together instead. Don't worry about the engagement party. We didn't have one, lots of people can't afford them or don't want to have one. Just have a dinner party, that way your mom won't feel like anyone was "excluded" from the "engagement party."

You should suggest your mom make an account on weddingwire to help with the wedding planning and bring these issues to the forum. We'll set her straight real fast

Christine- In those cases, you just don't have one. Engagement parties are unnecessary. If no one throws you one you don't have one, same with showers and bachelorettes.

Well, I understand cancelling the party if the purpose was to have the two sides socialize. Hard to meet that goal if 1/2 of the party chooses not to attend. Just out of curiousity, how many others would there have been on your side? Is dad in the picture, do you have any siblings?

I have to admit I would have handled it very differently from your mom but if expected to meet that many people with no one at my back, nope not gonna happen. I would have asked if it could be parents only this time around. 1 vs 2 are a lot better odds than 1 vs 11. She did have the right to decline the party, but she's going to regret how she did it.

Mom handled it very poorly. As far as the future, yep, gotta go with WW ladies on this one, it sounds like she may be a lot of problems if she is worried about how she/family appear to others.

Now as far as you resenting her, a lot of that depends on your relationship with her. It sounds like you guys haven't gotten very far away (or at least far enough) from those years of what I hear is mother/daughter hell. Had boys and my own relationship with my mom was very dismissing on my part during those years, ( oh, the regrets). One of the turning points for adult children is when they come to the realization that their parents are people, with faults, fears, insecurities, negative personality traits, just like themselves. Once you accept you have reached an equal footing with your parents, it's a lot easier to see those faults and adjust, even work around them and accept that you love them even with the faults and that takes some of the sting out of it. AND hopefully, they will realize that you have grown up, and are on equal footing and treat you like the adult you are. That will happen more quickly if you can act with kindness and integrity. Integrity includes sticking to your guns when needed. And in the best of all worlds, these things happen in a relatively near timeframe. And reaching that point should be the goal of every parent.

Good luck, know the ladies here have your back.

@E&M YESSSSSSS!!!! Or Hugh Laurie

The problem is your mom threw a fit, you canceled your party, and then YOU resent HER for a choice YOU made. You made that choice. I'm sorry but this is on you for allowing your mom to manipulate you. I didn't have an engagement party, many people here are also doing it themselves, IF I threw my OWN party I would tell my mom where to stick her opinion. If she wants to have say she can pony up the dough, otherwise I'M GROWN!

"Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they all stink."

@Midwest May this isn't a boxing match. There is no versus between the sides. It is family! Who cares if one side has more people? It is immature and petty to be concerned with such things. I cannot believe that adults are seriously complaining about crap like this.

Christine you're going to have to lay down the law early on with your mother it looks like....

she can't be going all buckwild on you until this wedding is over. if you're paying for it all and not her, then keep her out of the planning. seriously just don't talk about it around her.

@Midwest May, I'd rather meet them all 1 vs 11 earlier than at the wedding. I'm with others tho, it's not a boxing match. She should've bucked up for the sake of her daughter feeling family unity however, it's still on OP for canceling because her mother acted like a tyrannical toddler.

I think OP said it would be 5 vs 11, and some of the 11 are young children.

I can understand why OP wanted to have a party. It sounds more along the lines of what VC described, but I don't think we have a name for it in English. If the two families don't know each other yet, why not have some sort of meet & greet before the wedding events start?

@OP - yeah, it sounds like your mom is just going to be awful in this process. If she's starting off this way already, it doesn't look good. I WILL say, that I think saying "this is my wedding and I'm paying for it so it's what I want" to her is rude and likely only added fuel to the fire. Maybe next time try a different approach. Explain the reasoning for it, and if she STILL doesn't agree, then just say something more like, "this is what you and FH have decided, you're sorry that it upsets her, but that you hope that she doesn't allow it to stop her from enjoying the wedding (or whatever other event) because it would mean a lot for her to be there and enjoy it."

Ugh, the quibbles over semantics from some of the members of Wedding Wire is ridiculous. It is obvious to everyone with an eighth of a brain that you did not try to throw your own engagement party and that this was a gathering of family to celebrate your engagement. It's exactly like a housewarming party and people throw that shit for themselves all the bloody time.

That aside: you need to tell your mom to cool her jets. Situations like these are a good indicator of what's to come in terms of people's reactions and behavior. I'd feel the sting of resentment, too, because she, selfishly, torpedoed your party for something insane: family size. We had a small get together with my fiance's family and mine and it was the same! His immediate family contains 12 and my immediate has 5 -- and one of my brother's didn't even come. We all lived and it was quite nice.

Like previous posters have said, throw the party anyway, your mother's attitude be-damned. It looks like you're going to have to deal with this stuff going forward, so best to let her know who's in charge now. It will save you a lot of trouble later.

Yes you were wrong. "Invite more people or I'm not coming" you should have said, "we will not invite more people, and it is up to you if you decide to come or not". By giving into her demands you let her win. She has seen it work before, so now she will likely continue to be dramatic. My husband's family had even more outrageous demands, and we didn't give a flying fuck if they came to our wedding. They ended up not attending and our day was not "ruined". Your day can truly only be ruined if you let the negative people win.

I think there is more to this story than OP is telling...

OP - I came over here to read your post after your second post claimed you were bullied. I don't see any comments other than you should not be hosting your own engagement party (that feedback is proper etiquette) that could remotely be perceived as negative, "bridal bashing", or "bullied". Can you elaborate at exactly what was said that made you feel attacked?!

I dont know where OP is from but where i come from usually people host their engagement party so the families can meet , your mom is totally wrong and i am so sorry that it didnt go the way you planed it

If the party was a meet and greet only, then it's fine for the couple to host. Referring to it as an engagement party changes the rules of the game and then breaches etiquette. Engagement parties carry an expectation of a gift for the attendees so, therefore, hosting your own engagement party becomes bad form since you would essentially be asking for presents.

OP I'm not sure I see any bridal bashing or bullying here. Etiquette dictates that you don't throw a party or shower in your own honor. Many brides on here are paying for their own wedding, so please don't use that as an excuse. However, I don't think what you planned was a traditional engagement party, it seems more like a chance for your two families to get to know each other. Your mom was out of line, but you shouldn't have cancelled. FH and I have very different family sizes - I'm inviting 20 family members to the reception and he is inviting 70. We both drew the line at the same place (grandparents, first cousins, aunts and uncles), he just has a much larger family than I do.

Umm no, you're not wrong. Your mom sounds immature. (no offense)