My engagement party was ruined

Wow she sounds like a peach. I'm sorry you have to deal with her.

ETA - sorry I didn't really answer your question. No, I don't think you were wrong. She honestly sounds ridiculous.

I won't start in on the fact that you threw yourselves a party...typically those are hosted for you. But no you weren't wrong to tell your mom to keep the guest list low. She should have respected your wishes. I don't see how a bigger family can offend her family? If you're still wanting the families to intermingle I would host a get together and extend the invitation to your mother. If she decides not to attend she will look foolish and that is her own choice.

Why are you throwing your own engagement party?

I don't think you're wrong. I think your mom is crazy.

ETA: Don't throw your own showers or parties.

You shouldn't be throwing your own "engagement party"...

HOWEVERRRR... this sounds like more of a "meeting of the families" party. I say drop the engagement party title, and just explain you want your families to have a chance to meet and mingle before the festivities of the wedding and related events?

1. Don't throw your own party.

2. I am of the opinion that you should've had it, if the mother doesn't want to attend to bad. She needs to be an adult. It was a lets invite everyone party, it was a close family meeting party.

A Hugh Grant problem or a Hugh Heffner problem?

That sucks and I empathize... But..... You let her ruin it and cancel. If you're hosting you invite who you want and f the rest.

This sounds like the "pedida" party we have in Mexico for both families to get to know each other!

It does sound unfair of your mom to impose how many guests to have, assuming you and your FH were hosting the party, with no $$ contribution from her.

It still might be a good idea to have some sort of getting-to-know-each-other meeting though. Would you consider having just both sets of parents out for dinner? That way you don't need to even out numbers. Or, if you really want the siblings there, could it be an adult-only evening without their children?

ETA: I'm assuming this was more of a get-together for families to get to know each other, not a party for people to bring presents for you guys, right? Because that's the kind of party I was referring to, lol.

I think I would feel the same way. That was not right of her to act like that. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Don't throw your own parties. But if you were paying for the event then you decide the guest list. IF your mother paid then she should have had a say. However since you gave into her tantrum you may have just started a huge cycle of mom throwing fit and getting her way because you weren't woman enough to stand up to her. Good luck with that!

I guess I never thought of it being non traditional for us to throw our own engagement party. What was not a big deal for us honestly. The thing I need most advice I guess is that fact that I not resent her and think twice about telling her any wedding details from now on. I don't want to miss the mother daughter bonding wedding planning but what if we come to another disagreement. Is she gonna be a momzilla if he hates the color of Mt bridesmaid dresses and refuse to come to the wedding?

Yes she probably will, she sounds completely irrational.

If you mom wants to invite more ppl she can throw her own engagement party for you guys. typically you don't throw your own e-party, but this one sounds like a pass bc its just dinner and immediate family, seems like no more than 20 ppl. Sadly, the same thing would happen in FH's family, so I understand her frustration. FH's cousin got married last year, invited immediate family (parents, siblings & grandparents) to the RD. Well the bride has 4 siblings (3 are married), both parents and both grandparents living (& 1 step grandma). While the groom only had one sibling (single), his parents, and one living grandparent. So the grooms mom and sister actually got upset and called more of their family to invite them last minute. Feeling like it was only 5 of "them" and 14 of the the bride's side. This was also a hassle bc they B&G split the GL down the middle (each with 100 to invite). Well the groom had to "make cuts" while the bride was able to fit everyone into her 100, and his family was mad saying "she got to have everyone there" while he did not. And I felt horrible for the bride, bc everyone blamed her for why their son, daughter, friend or cousin wasn't invited. Good luck to you, sorry you have to deal with that, bc it probably won't stop here.

I wouldn't really consider this an engagement party, more of a dinner with family.

And honestly if this were my mom and she got this "offended" at your dinner I would be eloping IMMEDIATELY. This is just the beginning. GOOD LUCK!

Stop enabling her now! She threw a tantrum and you caved. If you let her continue with this, it will happen every time she is not getting her way. If she wants to not attend, then so be it. And I know others already mentioned but you shouldn't be hosting your own engagement party. Nothing wrong with a small get to together so the family can get to know each other.

Like others said, it sounds more like e meeting of the people. Which is great! Her behavior, not great. I'd tread lightly, and maybe get someone else who understands her on your side early on (like an aunt or someone who could help her calm the eff down).

@Ostricher: what about Hugh Jackman?

I would talk to her about it. I totally understand why you feel the way you do and that you don't want to miss the bonding experience so I would sit down and explain your feelings. Tell her you don't want to miss out on the mother daughter bonding experience but she needs to understand that it is your wedding and you will invite who you see fit to each celebration.

PS not that you asked but I don't think it's a big deal if you throw your own party! If you want to get together with those close to you and celebrate your engagement why shouldn't you??

Hope everything works out!

I gave her the line "this is my wedding and I'm paying for it so it's what I want" but her response is "fine Christine (my "introuble" name. Bc I'm always Chrissy otherwise) what ever u what your right it's your wedding do what u will, I just don't want to hear about it" using her dramatic voice. Recently ive been bonding with my aunt, she gets excited about the wedding details and helps me with the planning and such and I know she feels jealous I've been bonding with my aunt but it's her own fault.

You shouldn't have thrown your own engagement party... problem solved