My brother, a recovering addict, is a GM

He is doing much better now, finishing up college at a really good university, but I know this will not be a good situation for him and my FH feels VERY uncomfortable having him attend. Any advice on how we should handle this? Should I tell my mom or him? He only works part time since he goes to school so he wouldn't even be able to afford the fancy bachelor party FH wants, but I don't want to risk it! I should add, that my brother really liked FH and has been SOOO excited about our wedding.

Can they do something prior to the bachelor party that doesn't involve drinking?

If he's in a good place and knows what he's capable of in the wrong situation (relapse), he should have enough self awareness by now to know that he shouldn't go on the bachelor trip, even if he could afford it.

Honestly, if your FH is not comfortable enough having him attend the bachelor party than your brother is not healthy enough to have the responsibility of being a GM. Addicts who are in recovery are able to be around alcohol without relapsing. Could he be a usher instead?

Jsarge- in theory yes but I'm just worried with his last relapse being in December and his eagerness to have people like him (he may want to meet everyone and drink). He has really low self esteem. You are right though, we just need to be honest about it.

I initially was hesitant about him being a GM but when FH suggested it I thought it was sweet and I knew it would mean so much to my brother. He is so excited about this wedding and really wants FH to like him so it was such an honor for him.

I don't think it's right to exclude a groomsmen, and could just cause more drama with you trying to be inclusive. That being said, what about a nice fishing trip so brother could attend and you wouldn't be worried? What about have him do a reading, or be an usher? Then I wouldn't think it was necessary for him to be invited, and furthermore it wouldn't be a financial burden on him to rent a suit/tux if that's what youre doing.

Oh Natasha. I understand. My eldest brother is around the same age and he will be an usher in the wedding for this reason. People can say "he should know his own limits" but it's still hard to make them feel included/not singled out when something like this comes along, and you don't even want to think about giving him the opportunity to relapse. I would definnitely talk to your mom and see what she says. If she is involved in his recovery, she might have a better idea of his treatment and what may have some advice on how to handle it. Sometimes addicts don't like putting themselves in those situations (especially if they are the only ones not drinking, or if they don't do well socially) but it's still hard not to feel bad about it. Could he and your FH do something separately like dinner or something? Or if the party is in town, could your brother attend something they are doing during the day?

ETA: I'm so glad he is in the wedding though. It sounds like he really appreciates it. FWIW, we gave my brother the option to choose..he chose being an usher because he likely won't stay the whole reception with all of the drinking/partying, and he just doesn't handle social situations with it well yet. I feel more comfortable with him missing out on some things than increasing a chance of relapse.

No matter what you do, there will be alcohol around everywhere: At you wedding, bach parties, rehearsal dinners etc. If your brother isn't at the stage that he can control himself, you need to make that decision yourself. Even if the GM go golfing/bowling for the bach party, they are going to drink!

How sweet of you and your fh to look past his mistakes and include him!! I know as a recovering addict myself that when our family forgives us it's the best feeling. I have 3 years sober and we're having open bar at our wedding. We had sangria at my shower and the girls will be drinking mimosas as we get ready and I will be drinking coffee. For my bachelorette party we're having a lingerie party at my house first because I have a bm that's under 21 and then going to a drag gueen show in a bar. With that being said some of us can handle it. It's taking me a long time to be able to be around liquor without having cravings and still sometimes I feel left out. I'll probably have a non- alcoholic daquiri or something just so I don't have stranger's asking me why I'm not drinking. I couldn't have walked into a party where people were drinking 2 years ago and feel comfortable. It all depends on where he's at in his recovery. If you say he just had a relapse in December I would say it's a little too soon but that's just me. Could he bring a sober buddy along to hold him accountable? As a family member I'm sure you understand by now that if he wants to drink, he's going to and no one can stop him. You could ask him if he feels comfortable and if he says yes I would highly suggest designating a sober person to hold him accountable. I know it sucks and it's a sticky situation but I know that if you excluded him he probably would be mad for a while but eventually when he has more clean time he would understand. Don't let it ruin your fh's bachelor party. I like the idea of having a small party beforehand like at a restaurant or golfing something like that and if he is included on the whole thing I would definitely recommend a sober partner. Best of luck!

It probably already means so much to him that you and fh are having him stand up I would hope he would understand the limits to the bachelor party.

Maybe have a talk with your brother.

Katie- your response means so much to me. I do think it may be too soon for him and I would just hate for my FH to worry the whole time. A small party ahead of time would probably be the best option especially since the actual party would require travel so this way the two of them could do something on their own at home to celebrate before. Maybe go to a concert or hike or something.

Laura Marie- thank you for your insight. in theory he should know his limits but it's hard and too soon I think. Having a talk with my mom is a good idea. I love the idea of them doing something on their own before- my brother would probably really like that.

I definitely agree that having a candid talk with your brother is key, rather than trying to exclude him in a roundabout way, or having your mom get involved. My experience has been that you can be straightforward and still be loving and supportive.