My Bridesmaids are more distant than ever

Everyone here has a lot of good points. It sounds like you are trying to help absorb the cost as much as possible (and more than I would do for a destination wedding since your paying for their lodging and their food).

The main issue is that you likely have to reset your expectations. If you're in your mid 20s you may be one of the first getting married and your main experience with bridal parties will be what happens in movies. Movies really do brides a huge disservice because they set this bar of what it should be to plan a wedding and it is not like that at all for a vast majority of people.

Yes, going for a girls weekend to LA sounds great, maybe even for everyone in your group. But the reality is, that is time off, travel, food, lodging, going out... and the list goes on. These things do affect choices people make about what they participate in.

I asked my bridesmaids 8 months or so out from my wedding. I had a group of girls, most of whom did not live in state and pretty much all of whom were married/pregnant/families. I literally could not for the life of me get a response to a text message. All of my girls waited until the literal last minute to buy their dresses. It did stress me out a bit because it turned into no one being able to get the dress they wanted because they waited too long, but at the end of the day, that is their problem, not mine and everyone looked lovely in the dresses they could get.

It is frustrating when you are/would be different... I always responded to group messages when I was in a bridal party, but that's because of who I am. BUT it doesn't mean they don't love you, don't want to be in your bridal party, aren't as close as you thought they were. It means they are real people with real lives who are probably not nearly as focused on your wedding that is in 2020 as you are - and that is OK.

Try not to let your expectations based on glorified experiences in the movies hurt your relationships with these women - they have still agreed to go to your destination wedding which IS a big deal and shows just how much they love you.

So I was asked to be my friend's MOH about 18 months before her wedding. Based on my experience, you need to slow down. Everything you're doing - group texts, planning a bachelorette party - is too much too soon.

I don't necessarily disagree with your reasons for asking them 2 years early - you want them to be able to plan for your destination wedding, which makes sense.

However, 2 years out, you don't need to worry about bridesmaids dresses (so much can change about their bodies between now and then) - you need to wait until you get closer. Same thing with the bachelorette party. 1) you shouldn't be planning it, 2) they may not think an overnight trip to LA sounds great at all, 3) it's still too early.

You're going to burn your friends out about your wedding. It is 2 years away and it isn't their wedding - they are not going to be as excited for this as you are, especially when it's 2 years away. It doesn't mean that they don't care about you, but it is very possible that right now, in January of 2019, they don't care about a wedding that is taking place in October of 2020.

By the time I got closer to my friend's wedding, I honestly couldn't have cared less about her wedding. It was just so much for 18 months that by the time I actually got around to planning her shower and bachelorette (which we didn't even start planning until 4 months before her wedding), I was just over it. Her wedding, and the events surrounding it (including her behavior), have basically ended our friendship. We haven't spoken since her wedding which was over a year ago at this point. Two other bridesmaids have only spoken to her once or twice. My friend had no perspective of how she was behaving and how it was affecting her friendships. I'm not saying that this will definitely happen to you, because her behavior went way beyond just being "too much too soon" with planning, but I wanted to share my experience.

Basically the tl;dr version of my post: Calm down, be excited with your FH and family, but lower your expectations of your bridesmaids this far out. They still love you and are willing to travel far and spend a lot of money to celebrate your marriage. Keep those things in mind.

View Quoted Comment Dayna,
I agree with you. Close friends its shouldn't matter how early you ask them, especially in a destination wedding. Talk with them and find out what's up. Genuine friends will be honest with you.

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I guess I was concerned that nothing would be planned for me. None of my ladies live in the same state as I do, nor do they know each other, so I wasn't exactly expecting any of them to jump in and plan a party. I know I am not supposed to plan my own party, but then there is the potential that nothing ever gets planned

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I am custom ordering a dress. I spoke with them designer and they suggested I purchase 10-12 months out to allow for design, production, alternations, etc. I am footing a lot of the bill for both the wedding and offered to do so for the trip as well.

I have traveled for them and helped them plan their weddings and, I guess, I thought I would receive similar when it was my turn.

I also am on a budget, and so understanding my long term finances is important. I like knowing that I have to save money for travel or an event later in the year rather than for 6 weeks from now.

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Thanks Emily! I am a planner and I have tried to be the best friend that I could be when it came to their weddings, visiting them, etc. If it is budget that is the issue, I would rather that be said to me rather than just ignoring my texts. Everything they are paying for I have kept very reasonably priced, even offered to help them pay for plane tickets ( 5 flight attendants In the family) to where they should be spending 1/4 of what they would for any other wedding. I don't know if my over accommodating seems pushy or my asking for their opinion in their attire/food/etc is overwhelming.

Neither my fiancee or I have parents who are involved so I was hoping they could help me on decisions that involved them.

It seems I am asking too much from them, so I will back off and ask how much they want to be involved.

View Quoted Comment Neither of us have family that is involved in the wedding planning/paying process so I was just hoping that they could help me when it came to decisions about them. Because we are paying for this by ourselves, we have to plan our finances further out, and so I was naturally assuming they would as well. I want a nice wedding but I want it to be affordable for everyone, so I was asking their opinions so I could then base my budget around that.

I will back off though. It seems to be the majority that I am doing too much too soon. I'll ask them how much they want to be involved in the planning process and go from there.

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Hey Marie,

I think I am just going to ask them individually how much they want to be involved. I know not everyone is into weddings or planning events, so they may just want to know where and when to show up. I don't want to ruin my relationship over silly things like flowers and dresses!

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Some people don't get the bachelorette. I actually told my girls not to plan one for me because everyone lived out of state and I was in a demanding medical program. My friends at school thought this was awful and threw me a lovely little surprise even though none of them were invited to the wedding (met them too late in the game). It was a nice treat but I completely expected not to have a bachelorette. You could definitely still have one! Often times people plan it much closer to the wedding, they may not even be thinking about it yet and that's okay.

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I get it - I'm like you. I made invitations, traveled out of town, went early to do set up and so on and so forth. I did all of that because I wanted to and that's who I am. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little hurt that that energy wasn't returned in kind when it was my turn. For some of my long time friends it's a pattern in our relationships that I have allowed, and for others it was just something that happened because of timing and life circumstances. Either way, it was not about me and I sometimes had to remind myself of that.

I does stink that you don't have family who can be involved, but let your fiance be your support too. And know, many decisions that do involve your bridal party don't have to be made right now. Maybe instead of trying to make them, set a date when you know you'll need to make them and let that be your task today.

I wouldn't ask them how much they want to involved. If a friend of mine asked that I would take it as I am not meeting her expectations and it would add some strange tension. You recognize that you are a planner way in advance and that maybe these girls aren't. Find another outlet to get what you need and then bring it up again when they need to be involved. Most people don't buy plane tickets until 6-8 weeks out from a trip, for example. Wait until a couple months away to see who wants to go to LA with you. I get it, it's hard. But you've already put it out there and your friends can decide closer to the date what they are capable of doing. Have a nice glass of wine and get some colored pens and a book and plan out your planning.

View Quoted Comment I can see that. People are different. I used to freak out people I said I would do showers for, with someone else or alone , because after a single meeting early on to set month, nature of shower - meal for people coming far, vs apps or deserts, or home, outside, or venue- things would go back and forth between co-hosts, but we never saw a need to check in with bride and wedding party not doing it, except to say date, until invitations went out. Not neglectful, just quietly on top of things we were capable of doing. But people who did not know my family rarely realized , with a big family, and many relatives close y, I grew up with sometimes 18-20 at table on a school day supper, bringing kids over for supper, and the family rule was, mom can pretty much do dinner ( multicourse, like Thanksgiving) for 35 or 40 from the freezer and pantry on same day notice, but for more, let her know a day ahead so she gets to the store. 60 people, easy peasy. 40 a couple times a month. And I like to cook, and worked catering. But other people would get nervous I was not actively seen to be planning and consulting people, til I got a reputation, she is fine, and everything will be done on the day. Your nerves, and starting super early, is not anything mean or controlling. But your people may be silent simply because they do not want to argue, you are simply a year early, or more. There is so much you can do, unassisted. Unfortunately, the wedding industry knows, the earlier people start planning, the more is spent on the wedding. They can get another $5-10K out of people by pushing timelines telling brides to start ridiculously early. And saying lots of things are necessary, that are a waste of time, or optional. Brides who have never had family or friends marry where they see the process, get hyped on TV fantasy, which sets them up for feeling insecure, or unloved by friends, who plan to spend their money and do their planning when it is necessary, and not before. So your well intentioned plan ahead efforts, feel like unnecessary nagging, or a lack of trust. But 5-6 months before the wedding, if they have not been burnt out by a ling timeline of expectations, they will usually get excited and do what they need to do. Pat your insecurities on the head, and tuck them under your pillow for a year, and most things will start working with BM, without so much stress. Most brides invite 1or 2 family or friends to dress shop with them. Some mostly do it alone. But since SAY YES TO THE DRESS came on tv, people who would never thing of going clothes shopping with 4 -6 friends and 3 relatives, think they should, for gowns. And professional make up and hair for all is a new thing, and does not happen for any but the bride in most places. And can be scheduled in the law few months. Until recently, it was rare for whole bridal parties to get ready all morning and early afternoon together. They would take care of things at home, and show up ready to go, or ready with a dress on a hanger. But tv and social media have misled people into thinking a BM is on a team that does everything together for 12-24 months. If you back off, you may find a year from now, some friendships have run their course. You are nit close to some BM, and may have new friends. And someone will get pregnant, ir engaged, or move. But anyone still in your close group at 6-8 months, will get energized. Don't lose heart. Just adjust your expectations so you do not set yourself up for failure. 😊

I was in a bridal party for one of my dear friends a few years back. The wedding was destination (different Country), the bachelorette was destination (different state), and we had a bridal shower. It was a lot of $$$ and I couldn't stand spending it or taking off work. But I did it cause she is a dear friend and I wanted to be there for her. I wouldn't have missed it for the world, even though I would never choose to spend my money on those trips if it were up to me. I think you should re think these friends you've chosen to be in your party. Are you that close with them? Could you see yourself getting married without them? I would hope if they are your true friends they would love to be there for you no matter where you would like to go for your wedding festivities. I hope everything turns out the way you want it and the closer to the wedding the more excitement you feel from the group!

After reading a few of PPs comments, I don't think there is much I can add here. One thing I realized through the planning process is Expectations versus Reality....often different. I personally blame the movies for making us think things are usually a certain way, lol. Therefore, I do my best to keep wedding planning between me and FH, so I don't overwhelm anyone else with details. WW and it's forums is where I get to let all of my "wedding talk" out the most, and it really helps.

I personally don't think you're overdoing it. I am slightly in the same boat as you -- my MOH dropped out, but fortunately, I had another close friend who was willing to step in as bridesmaid as my best best friend moved up into MOH. I asked my girls far too early (February 2018 with a May 2019 wedding). People change, grow up, and move on -- it happens!

I think they are possibly hesitant on a few things, especially with your wedding being so far out. I would hang tight for a little while and keep the wedding talk at a minimum.

So, one last post with an example. Daughter was married 10 days ago. She had five BMs -- four of whom lived out of state (and literally in every corner of the country) and the one that is local has two small children and a somewhat unstable living situation. Daughter knew from the beginning that the five of them would have financial limits (four of the five are 23-25, in their first post-college jobs, newly married, etc.) -- just getting here for the wedding and buying a $120 dress from Azazie would be significant costs for them, but they were fully committed. Daughter had NO expectations regarding parties. Understanding the situation they were all in, I offered to host/pay for her shower. Kind of last minute, one of the BM's decided to make a quick trip home for her mom's bday (they all grew up here) and asked if we could do the shower then. We did, so daughter had that BM and the local BM here for the shower, and I asked the others for ideas & suggestions they wanted me to include and they all wrote sweet letters to daughter and sent them so she could open them at the shower. It was awesome. Daughter didn't have any expectations regarding a bachelorette party, but asked if we could have a sleepover here at the house following the rehearsal dinner, since the wedding would be the only time all the BMs would be in town & we agreed. However, one of the OOT BMs came home for Christmas with her parents (local) and planned a very sweet (and simple/inexpensive) bachelorette party with daughter's local friends as a surprise. They had a WONDERFUL time. And, we still had a "slumber party" following the rehearsal (they were all sound asleep by 9:30... -- jet lag is real!). Most importantly, five young women who are incredibly important to our daughter were standing by her side when she married her husband. In the big picture, Daughter and SIL feel they had the "perfect" wedding and wedding-party experiences, even though what they had were not necessarily the stuff of perfect instagram posts and romcom movies.... What they had was an organic, real showing of the love and devotion from their friends at an important time in their lives. I wish you well and hope your friends surround you with their love in ways that work for them.

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So you shouldn't be offering up the idea of a destination bachelorette party. If they suggest that, it's fine, but you shouldn't have anything to do with planning your bachelorette party, even if you offer to help contribute financially. Also, that's a really weird time frame, because usually you have a bachelorette party a month or so before your wedding and you would definitely need to order a dress before that. Who doesn't want to go to LA? I'm sure a lot of people. LA is a dirty city that is difficult to get around without a car. There are a lot of fake Hollywood type people around. I've been and had some fun, but there are a million other places I'd rather spend money to visit than LA. Not sure where you've looked online, but I personally think $180 is pretty high for a dress they'll never wear again, especially if they have to buy a plane ticket to go to your wedding. Did you ask them if $180 was doable for them or did you just assume it was okay because the internet said it's less than most? You are definitely expecting a dream bridal party rather than a realistic one. Life isn't like the movie Bridesmaids where your girls just want to talk about weddings all the time and travel around and do all this stuff for you. They are people with their own lives and priorities and while I'm sure they care about you, they can't just change their lives for your wedding. Take a deep breath and relax. Stop texting them. They are already aware of the financial commitment. You don't have to get in specifics with dresses for a while. If I were you, I would honestly just pick a color and let them get whatever dress they want in that color. That way each girl can get a dress that they are comfortable in and is something they can afford.

Just enjoy this time of being engaged with your FH. Worry about stuff with your BMs next year. If people want to go with you to LA, it's fine to invite them, but I wouldn't try to make it your bachelorette party. That is way too much to ask.

I will say that group texts are really bad form. Nobody really enjoys them. I have all of my group texts on do not disturb it because they’re really annoying.

Whoever I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong I think that you’re trying to be really cognizant of what’s going on and you’re organized and you just want some input. I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way and I hope things ease up! A destination wedding sounds so exciting to be honest!

I think its early to be talking wedding. I can see your standpoint of asking early for the destination part of it but talking about dresses, makeup, hairstyles... whew that's a lot of wedding talk with it being so far away. As excited as they may be it is hard to keep that stamina up for such a long time. And while yes a trip to LA sounds fun I would not want to go for a bachelorette party or dress shopping. I dont like taking time off of work unless it's for an actual vacation, and I dont like to travel without my fiance. Also we have pets so thatd just be another thing to figure out. I'd be overwhelmed if I were one of your girls. I'd try backing off and when you do talk to them, do not talk wedding. Check in with what's happening in their life.

Tbh, it’s your wedding. I don’t think you’re overdoing it. At least you’re helping them financially too. I told my bridesmaids in July 2018. My wedding is in Sept 2019. I told them ahead of time to let them be prepare and save money. I did the same as you, asked them for suggestions on their dresses and get to know what they’d like and what not. They weren’t helpful at all. I stopped talking to them for few months because I too thought maybe it’s too early to talk with them about this.. wedding is in 8months. I started talking to them again two weeks ago, and still nothing. I’ve asked them simple questions like “when is your spring break” because I’m trying to figure a date to go bridesmaid dress shopping, and I got nothing. I plan to go wedding dress shopping this weekend, and only one can be there. I realized this wedding isn’t as important to them, so I dismissed 3 of them. Others reading this probably think I’m being harsh, but that don’t matter. Like I said in the beginning, this is YOUR wedding. You plan it how YOU want it. If you don’t feel they support you like they should, then what’s the point of having them stand by your side on YOUR big day? I’d rather have girls who support me emotionally and mentally throughout my wedding. I’ve vented to one girl about my wedding and all she said was “oh okay.” A lot of girls just say “yes” about being a bridesmaid because it’s cool to have that role, but they more than likely don’t even care for the bride nor know the honor of having that role (well that’s what I realized about mines).

View Quoted Comment Makes sense . I’m totally in agreement with you that it’s not fair for you agree to do all of these things and have your friends not do the same for you when it’s your turn. I personally feel like there’s way too much pressure with wedding related events and it’s gotten out of control. I guess I understand traveling for a shower or bachelorette party but add dress shopping to it and I personally feel it would be too much.