Mother Ruining Wedding Planning

If my mom had a brain tumor, I wouldn't be arguing with her over the cost of my wedding and whether or not she should contribute. I also wouldn't wonder if I should plan without her. Instead, I'd be putting planning on hold and spend some time bonding with her.

I would suggest just not talking about the wedding with her if it continues to be an issue. Just be there for her and do other activities, talk about anything else.

I would give it some time and not say anything wedding related

@Elizabeth - I'm not really asking how to take care of my mother... trust me I have done that. I took a month off work to be there with her and helped her through surgery. I think you misunderstood my post - I'm not trying to argue with her about paying. WE offered/decided to pay a) because of her tumor and situation and b) because she gets so confused that she starts throwing fits. She hasn't wanted us to cancel/put the wedding on hold up until just now. Before, she insisted we keep it on schedule so that she could be able to attend. Now, due to her confusion, she claims she isn't going, but it's a different story every day. It's just taxing. It's hard to know what's her and what isn't.

@mrsbigtexas - thank you... I have been considering that. It's so odd because she has made up all of these fake details in her head that I didn't even know about until my brother called to clarify. It's both heartbreaking and frustrating because at this point I don't even WANT to do all the planning but she's insisted she wants to see me get married... then the next day it's a different story. :-/

Depending on her diagnosis this may be a result of her tumor/surgery. Have you discussed the personality change/false memories with her doctor? Depending on what the tumor was or where it was she may genuinely believe what she has said and fighting with her about it would be like trying to convince me that the sky is made of cotton candy. Please talk to her therapist or doctor about this, though to see if it is to be expected.

TBH, I highly recommend talking to her doctor/therapist about family support groups. This may be a permanent change based on the tumor or surgery and it may be best if you take on wedding planning with your original budget and just keep your mother out of it.

If she brings up wedding planning just say something like "Oh mom, wedding planning is stressful right now. Let's talk about something else. I really want to cherish this time with you. Tell me about your day/favorite tv show/book/hobby/etc."

I highly recommend support groups for family of those with serious or terminal diseases. A major disease can really bring out a lot of stress and being around those who understand can help. You may also pick up tips on how to communicate with your mom and how to cope with her seemingly rude behavior.

ETA sorry duplicate post

@MrsBdeG - wow, thank you so so much for your sound advice. I really, truly appreciate it <3 I will definitely be looking into support groups, I didn’t even think there was anything like that out there. It’s really hard having someone you love be so different from someone you once knew, and the sky is cotton candy analogy really resonated with me. Thank you, I really appreciate it.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.. just keep in mind it's most likely harder on her to be having a brain tumor and daily confusion. It's frustrating on your end, but I can only imagine the anger she must feel on her end. Not towards you and FH, but her situation in general. Just be there for her as much as you can be, and offer her details of your wedding date so she can attend. Nothing more, nothing less.

Brain tumors can cause personality changes. You need to understand that it's not really her and don't take it personally

I can imagine how hard this is on you. Just try to remember it's even harder for her. Tumors can have huge effects on people. Try to remember she genuinely believes what she's saying and it's nothing to do with you. Keep wedding talk to a minimum and try to stick with simple topics. I really hope things get better

So sorry to hear this. I agree to continue planning if you want to, but just keep mom out of it. Plan and pay yourself and let her focus on getting better. I hope she comes through everything okay.

As always, MrsBdeG's advice is perfect (even without a citation . I completely agree about talking with your mom's doctor, as it is very likely her behavior is completely out of her control. Years ago, there was a mom at school whose behavior suddenly became incredibly irrational -- yelling at parents & kids, saying completely inappropriate things to people, etc. -- not long afterward she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Thankfully, she recovered well following extensive surgery. Afterward, she didn't remember the things she had said and done, but to the extent she heard about them, was devastated and embarrassed. Obviously, it was nothing she could control.

Also, a few years ago, we experienced something somewhat similar with my mom after she had a massive stroke. She wasn't angry, but very confused and said lots of things that made no sense. A nephew was getting married at the time, and Mom was convinced the planning was for her wedding to a man who she was friends with at her assisted living facility.... (That was especially upsetting to some of my siblings because she seemed to have no memory of our dad, to whom she'd been married for nearly 60 years.) She wasn't capable of understanding the "real" situation, so we just agreed with her and redirected her attention to other things when necessary, and tried to enjoy her in her new reality. With the help of caregivers she was able to attend the nephew's wedding, but passed away a couple weeks later. We are so thankful for the memories and photos of her at the wedding -- they are truly treasures to all of us.

I also recommend a support group or counseling for you; losing a parent is tough, especially when it's a long decline and there are significant personality changes. The grief starts long before the person passes. It is a lot to deal with, but finding a means of support can be an incredible lifeline. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family; you're on a tough journey. <3

Thank you so much, everyone. After a good sleep and reading advice I feel a lot better about this situation. It’s hard and definitely not the norm... hopefully I can find a good support group or counselor to help me cope.

I would definitely have a conversation with her doctors. As a RN there is a lot of red flags going up here. Especially if its a sudden change. I wish you the best.

I'm so glad, @Sarah. Care giving in general, and especially for a parent in declining health, is incredibly stressful and frightening. For most of us, parents always took care of us; it's a really tough transition on both sides to have to switch those roles. In the spirit of @Mrs BdeG, I have to recommend a book: "They're Your Parents, Too!" by Francine Russo. Part of it addresses re-negotiating sibling relationships when parents are aging/declining, but even if you're an only child there is a lot of wonderful advice and potential resources to help you navigate this new territory. I found it very helpful in the years I was the primary caregiver for my parents. Hang in! You are on a difficult, but potentially very rewarding and meaningful journey that nothing prepares us for.

Ugh, I'm SO sorry about this. It's likely the brain tumor is causing some personality changes. In short, your mother is no longer your mother.

Depending on her prognosis, you may not get her back, and you may have to decide if you want to stick to your timeline despite the drama. If she's making things up, then it may not matter if you avoid talking about wedding stuff with her. I don't have much advice, but you definitely have my sympathies.

Honestly your mom may not have any idea what she is doing.. A brain tumor can cause so many personality changes and it is a lot to deal with. I would just put planning on hold. Don't let this cause problems between the two of you.

I would exclude her from all future wedding planning and defriend her on FB. When she gets back to being normal then maybe include her.

If you do not get her out of the planning, this will drive you crazy.

Pay for it yourself and make your plans without her. You will be better off this way.

Her ruining your one day is not okay no matter what. You do not get a do over for a wedding.

@Mozabrat And what if she doesn't get back to "normal"? I'm sorry, but the fact that your focus is on OP not getting a do-over on the wedding and not on the fact that there could be something seriously wrong with her mother is disheartening. This is a bigger issue than her mother possibly ruining her day.