Mother of the Bride Relationship issues

Is she helping pay for the wedding?

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She says she will pay the venue cost but that has not actually happened, so most of the money is coming from me and him or his parents.

View Quoted Comment I’d say that if she ends up paying for something and your venue space allows it, I would give her something. Maybe just a couple of her cousins that she’d like there.
If she doesn’t pay for anything then she really doesn’t get to have a say in your wedding.
Also, if you don’t have a great relationship with her and you feel like she might ask more of you during wedding planning, or she’ll try to take charge of the planning, I wouldn’t accept any money from her. If you take money from her you might end up feeling like you owe her or she’ll throw it in your face that she paid for something

I invited my cousins even though they hadn’t met my husband. It’s hard for everyone to always get together. I’ve had hard times with my mom but I think would have regretted it for the rest of my life if I didn’t invite her. I don’t know any details of your relationship so I don’t know what’s best for you.

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I almost would rather not take her money! But we are also fighting right now so that could just be because things are rough. Can I ask though what you would do about the fact I do not like my mom's boyfriend and do not want him there either?

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I am inviting the cousins I want (even my 2nd cousins) for sure, but there are some I do not want there, and the issue with my mom is not so much with her but with her boyfriend. I know I probably sound like a snotty brat. But weddings are about the bride and groom. I want it to be small and with those who truly deserve to be there.

View Quoted Comment Well if you invite your mom I think you need to invite the boyfriend as well, if you invite just her there is a big chance she won’t come and it will hurt your relationship more.
If you don’t want a relationship with your mother then I just wouldn’t invite either of them.

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Well, my thoughts about it were to address the invite to her and my brother, and if they are even still together when the wedding actually happens then he could be her plus 1. But not have it actually address him.

I have on on and off again relationship with my mom too, and she also wanted some extra people invited so I told her that if we have the extra room for people then she can invite that X amount and if we don’t have the extra room then we can’t invite them due to not wanting a big wedding

It's your wedding, not hers. Stand your ground and only invite people you want, without being pressured to invite people you don't want in attendance, or you will have regrets. Her paying is moot..parents do that to be able to use that as leverage to make you cave to their demands regardless of what you want.

Have the wedding you want with the guests you choose and leave it at that.

I don't have a relationship with my mother because she's very manipulative and I don't put up with it.

My relationship with my mother is so toxic, she decided not to come to the wedding over the invitations.

If you have a bad relationship with her, do not cede any ground. She will use it to take over and try to dictate things. Invite her, but if she's not paying for anything, you set the guest list, not her.

You deserve to have the wedding you want, with people YOU want there.

If she is helping pay for anything, you should probably give her part of the guest list as those individuals might be important to her. it is worth the compromise to not lose that relationship in my opinion. but if she isnt contributing financially, i dont think you should feel obligated to "give" her anything. i would be weary of accepting money from someone i didnt have a steady relationship with anyways because her expectations could change halfway through and at that point, she has already invested financially so it will be much more difficult to tell her no, especially if you expect more help afterwards. it might almost be better to not accept any financial help from her and instead, maybe you could give her tasks like helping set up, gather decor, etc. because thats a smaller obligation for both sides. i wouldnt allow anybody you guys dont know if you are being asked to foot the bill. if your venue allows, maybe you could suggest that your mom pays for the "spot" for those specific guests for the venue and the catering if she is the only one who cares about them being there. otherwise, stand your ground and take control of the guest list. it is so easy to let family manipulate brides into different things - dont allow her to do that. good luck!!!

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Thank you for sharing! Yes, my fiance and I have already set the guest list to no bigger than 125 people. And I am one of those people who has the personality of "I do not care who I make mad" but I do like your way of handling it.

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I'm sorry to hear that, however, it sounds like our mothers are very similar. My mom 100% would use the money she would give over us because she has done it in the past. That is completely how I feel. If it is my wedding, between my fiance and I, it should be the best day, celebrated with who we want.

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Thank you so much, all of this has been very helpful. I am sad to hear that there are so many brides out there who struggle with their mothers like me.

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Yes, another bride has said the same about the money. My fiance and I actually spoke about it last night, and basically, he said he is fine not taking money from her, but then we might have an even smaller wedding, but that if people start wanting to voice their opinions too much we will say screw it to the whole thing and go to the courthouse.

Thank you so much, Brides! This has been extremely helpful! I do apologize for all of our mothers made us feel like we do not want to even do stuff because of them. That is how it is with mine. But more so the issue is her boyfriend and some of her family members that I do not want there that she says need to be there. You all have given great advice! It is greatly appreciated.

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It sounds like you have a plan then! If she won't be paying for anything, then really she doesn't get a say. I hope this helps you plan and be happy about it!

View Quoted Comment I don't know for sure that she won't unless I tell her I do not want her help. But without her help their could be dramatic changes in the wedding also. I am just looking for advice from brides who have bad relationships with their lom and or their parents significant others and how they went about it.

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I totally understand. We have rocky relationships with my partner's parents, but they haven't really asked about the wedding at all and don't show any interest in it. I don't know what I would do if they decided to become vocal about it now, so I'm sorry you're going through this!