Mother of the Bride Nightmare - Need Advice

She's dooming your marriage by wearing a LBD to your wedding??

Wait, neither you nor your FI are Japanese? This is a hot mess. Their culture is not a wedding theme. Gross and extremely inappropriate.

For the record, my mother died in December. I'd kill to have her at my wedding, wearing whatever she wanted to wear.

Setting ALL the cultural appropriation and prizing aesthetics over people aside (not because they aren't valid points, but because others have addressed them), your wedding isn't for MORE THAN 3 years.

There is simply no reason for anyone to be choosing dresses yet or for anyone to argue about dress choice. You are absolutely heading down a difficult road of your own making. Stop and reflect.

View Quoted Comment Why should the mother consider another dress. Basic manners, it is rude for any bride to tell her mother what to wear. Or any guest. So when the bride is being rude to her mother, why should she compromise? Totally separate from cultural considerations. *** With cultural issues: In Japanese culture, not only do Japanese guests not wear black. But a Japanese bride, like an American bride, should never tell her mother what to do, either. The bride is choosing one focus, in imitation of being Japanese ( which she is not ) , worrying about black clothes. But is herself breaking a far stronger cultural rule, brides don't tell their mothers what to do in Japan.

View Quoted Comment I'm not saying the bride is right or wrong but there is clearly a mutual lack of respect happening. If I asked my mother not to wear a certain color she would that out of respect for our relationship. Both my mother and future mil have asked my opinion on what to wear

I hit enter too soon, Judith. But both mothers have asked my opinion because they respect me and my wishes. That being said I'm leaving the decisions up to them and letting them choose what they like out of respect for them. I just feel they're both wrong and not willing to compromise.

I don't know how to handle my mother with this. She's the only family I have on my side of the family and it's coming down to do I just let her have her way even though she's dooming my marriage and proving once and for all that she doesn't respect that it's my wedding and not hers. Or do I just tell her to not come and I have no one on my family's side in attendance.

I need help picking up my jaw from the floor.

By all means, tell her not to come because you don't like the dress she's chosen.

View Quoted Comment But you hit the nail on the head, exactly. Your mom and Mob chose to ask you. They initiated it even though not necessary. Bride's mom did not ask for bride's opinion. So bride should have said nothing about mom's dress.

Why are you so focused on this one thing? First of all, if you check mosts travel guides, or an etiquette book on customs guests need to know, it will specify that no one should wear white. Black is commonly worn. Second, far more important than any color, it is a strong Japanese cultural value to honor your parents. As bride, you should not be telling your mother what to do. Period. And as an American bride, standard manners, you should not be telling your mother, other family members, or any guests, what colors or styles to wear. Period. Some people here say they do it. But it is still generally considered rude, and there are bride's here that don't much care about standard manners. But that does not make it right for you to do it. Your mother did not ask your opinion on her dress style or color. You should not be saying anything about her choice. And, for the record, though you did not ask, I think it would seem terrible that you are pretending or playacting being Japanese . To admire and use a single item is one thing. But a theme wedding, clothes, food, doing things that have religious overtones for another ethnic group, I think very upsetting, and about the worst breach of manners and customs there is.. Your mother is choosing not to participate, simply wearing what is appropriate for 2 Americans marrying here in America. Good for her.

I agree that 'Japanese' is not a theme nor should any religious aspects be incorporated. Btw, you can actually be of Western decent and be Japanese. As a Chinese bride there are many traditions I will follow. However, I find it ironic that no one ever calls out Asian brides for following Western (often religious) customs just because they are pretty or nice. The boat goes both ways. I agree with most everything being said, just pointing out this anomalie.

View Quoted Comment The British and French brought their customs and religion to our shores. Before the Chinese revolution,they had years of missionary work, all over Asia. British missions on the mainland, as well as trade, and Crown Colonies like Hong Kong. British and US companies stampeded to China,, and Japan, and south Asia, to have Western style clothing made there. Now, 60-70%of US wedding gowns are made in various parts of Asia. In India, much of which was colonized by the British over a century, tWesterners have brought the customs and clothing, And Worked hard, through advertising, even incentives, to get our companies, and Asian subcontractors' companies to sell Western Wear to all of Asia. Where none of these Asian companies have brought Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Thai, or other clothes to this country, except fto be used by or new generations of people of Asian Descent., at their weddings and holiday festivities ities. So since we, and the British, , and in Vietnam and the Islands France, brought the wedding clothes etc to the Asian Markets, and invested millions in pushing them, we have little claim they have taken our styles. We pushed them, there, to create markets for our goods. They have not done it to us. Many Asians converted to Christianity long ago. But the others, the vast majority, keep their own cultural customs and religion, just wear a bridal gown and suits, mostly. This poster is copying everything, from people who have never attempted to export it, including religious symbols, though it is not their religion. There is a difference. Which is why people are objecting.

View Quoted Comment

Hi, just want to point out that the only reason clothing companies "stampeded" to China and other Southeast Asian countries is because the labor is cheaper. American and British moved production due to favorable export laws and high domestic labor costs and regulations. Not because they are trying to force a specific ideology on them. I say this because my hometown used to be known for their garment district, much of which is now lofts and apartments.

Otherwise, I agree in part with the rest of your post regarding Western civilization and it's influences on other parts of the world.

View Quoted Comment Thank you, for explaining. I am well aware of the history and far from ignorant on the subject. However, I have also attended many Asian weddings in Asia as my family is Asian. There are many people who are not Christian who use religious and sacred rites during their wedding ceremonies. As I wrote in my post I agree with what most everyone is saying. However, there are problems on both sides that are never addressed. It may not have been your intention, but I did find your response a bit condescending. I'm sure it's just because it's in written form.

View Quoted Comment I think because it is in writing. And English is my 3rd language.The other two not in the same alphabet, even. So I am rather stilted in written English, for all my parents and I all were born and raised in NH, grandparents citizens. But they expected to resettle when I was 5. So they taught us the languages of where we would go to school, first. No condescension meant.
Actually, more a hurt. I am from two Arctic People's. And in the last 10 years have been to 3 weddings where people did something just fine, An uplighting pattern in imitation of the Aurora Borealis as seen in the Article, much more of a light show than you see in say, Minnesota or Northern Maine. But two had heard of cultural customs, and did their versions, in a highly offensive manner. Inuit, called Eskimos ( we don't like it, it is from French for, " raw meat eaters"). We hold or rub our noses when we are cold, not to kiss. and clacking real pieces of reindeer antlers every time someone wants the couple the "Eskimo kiss", with hacked up antlers strewn across the table tops is obscene. Wearing a real sealskin and Arctic fox fur coat that is beaded to tell a religious story, a wedding coat, floor length, then after Eskimo kissing at the altar, in the venue , then stepping aside, doing a stripper like bumping and grinding while peeling it off, while stepping toward the exit aisle, then throwing it on the floor, while she walks off in a strapless reception dress, did not go over well. On and on. In this country, even among the rich, white dresses were not worn for weddings, until the Victorian era. And up through world war 2 , those not well off, used their best dress, often made new, then wore it on special occasions, to church, etc. British nobility made it famous, then it spread to the US. So to me, it is like wearing a kimono, or a wedding dress, or Asian sari, or other single clothing items. I don't object to people doing that. Especially when the people doing it are making it in their factories, at the behest of westerners ( for cheap labor, and market reasons.) And single things from another culture can be used respectfully. But when you borrow words, that sound so neat, but have religious content you do not know, and religion, and then completely blow it ( not respecting your elders, in a ceremony and religion you copied where elders are most respected, in OP Japanese one, trashing native Inuit antiquities and scattering dead body pieces in a wasteful way, against religion, in the winter wonderland theme,) I think that is different from wearing a dress, cutting a cake, or throwing a garter, none of which are religious . And were marketed as a commodity by a culture which borrowed them to begin with. ******* I had a terrible time with my engagement pictures. My grandmother's and aunts wanted a traditional photo portrait of me, when engaged. Hired a name photographer in Boston. He was told by them , no retouching, no changes. A film picture, or digital, his choice. But no editing. To change a person's image is wrong, religious thing. When I showed up, I made it clear, made him hand write and sign, he would take head and shoulders shots, and print some exactly as taken. When I showed to pick them up and pay, with family, just 4 good pics, I was upset. He explained, he could not leave them alone. I could be pretty with a little editing. He changed my eyes, now no Asian tilt or eyefold at all. Rounded my ears, no point at top. Made my skin Ivory, not golden honey type brown. Put shiny highlights in my hair , which he had made brown, and made it wavy. Mine is black, straight unless set. He transformed me too beautiful, he said. My grandmother and mother and aunt cried. I was mad, as was my father. His American celebrity attitude, was that a bride would rather be movie makeup magic transformed to beautiful as a bride, than look like herself. But he stripped me of every racial chacteristic of a Saami or Inuit, and made me a white European in looks. His Idea of beautiful. To deny everything I am, including my physical ethnicity or race. To meet his idea of what a woman wants when she married. I have been to, and in, a huge number of weddings. But if my unhappiness with such issues as when you may borrow from a culture, making sure you are choosing items from the market place, not ideas of culture and religion you then blow apart, came across as condescension, I am sorry. It is really having been hurt too often . Insensitivity and intolerance at wedding time, hidden behind, "but we imitate/ do this because we love it so." By people who do not understand it enough not to violate it's very principles. Who cannot see why it would offend the people they are imitating, when a couple and their vendors are just trying to make their wedding and pictures spectacular and unique.

Omg, I love how people who Google something and think they’re automatically an expert. Don’t speak the language don’t know the culture never been to the country but Google is the answer to making them an expert. With that being said, Bae this is your wedding and your life that you are changing. You’re not only getting married but moving to a completely different country in adopting those customs and I see NO problem whatsoever with you wanting to respect those customs and asking at YOUR wedding that those people respect those customs too. Amazing, I have read several women on here rip into other women about following the American etiquette of weddings. Stating their opinion on how you’re supposed to do certain Wedding etiquette as if it were law. Now here you are asking if it’s such a big deal for someone to respect a cultural custom that you are adopting and moving into and everyone is saying that it’s not a big deal if that person doesn’t want to respect it. 🤦🏽‍♀️ Respectful stand your ground, maybe it can a catch on a little more in this country.