Mother of the Bride - advice please

Hmm, his anxiety has to be pretty extreme for 4 people present to be too much to handle. Does he not work outside the home or have outdoor triggers? I can understand wanting an intimate ceremony (I am having one myself), but his reason being that he doesnt like large crowds (when 4 people is barely a group), even though it's not ideal to your daughter is...hmm,idk. I would try to get more backstory out of your daughter, and gage how upsetting this will be to her in the long run. I wouldn't suggest surprising her tho, that could cause problems.

View Quoted Comment There is a back story to M's anxiety - sustained emotional abuse by his Father. (He manages his anxiety reasonably well outside of this toxic relationship. His Dad is the biggest trigger)

We have had frank and open discussions with our daughter regarding her fiancees issues, and she enters into this relationship with eyes wide open. An attempt to get him to a pschychologist was unsuccessful, as unfortunately it was not a good fit. M does not want particularly HIS parents there, due to how his Father makes him feel - small and inadequate. So the quid pro quo is we are not there either. This is the sacrifice H is prepared to make for him, but I agree with an earlier comment that H has to get more out of this than just getting wed. I am concerned she will regret this compromise, and there are no do overs. A family get together in the following weeks to raise a glass is NOT the same as having nearest and dearest there on the day. And the sorrow surrounding her Dad and I not being there has been clearly expressed.

You can see the 'politically' tricky situation we are in huh ? I agree in theory that a surprise appearance on the day compromises her, but I am wondering if there is any other way round it. I cannot see her fiancee agreeing to having us there because of the back lash reaction from predominantly his Dad...

View Quoted Comment I will hopefully have the opportunity to speak to our daughter soon, at a family occassion she will be attending solo. (I have flagged the idea of surprising her as suggested by my husband)
I am going to say we fully support their plans and the rationale behind them, but would like to be there to support her and see her on her way. I am going to say we wanted to give her that opportunity, and feel, given the sorrow she had expressed previously regarding us not being part of her day, that being completely unsupported may be something she later regretted. I am also going to leave the final decision up to her, and make peace with it, regardless of what that is. But I AM going ro put this idea foward, for if I dont, I will regret it !!!! As you can all gather from this discussion, it is a complicated scenario (as most family scenarios are...!) and I just want to nail this for everyones sake. No do overs - right ???

So I have an update everyone......
Drum roll please.....
Both sets of parents AND siblings are now invited !!!!
Following my much anticipated conversation with my daughter, the above plan was hatched between her and her fianceè. It is apparently something they are both comfortable with. My daughter tells me her "soul is happy"- I am delighted, and to complete this post, as Mother of this Bride, so is mine !