Mother of the Bride - advice please

I'd ask your daughter if she would allow you and your spouse to come help her get ready prior to her wedding. Maybe explain to her your point of view and allow her to make the decision.

This is a hard position for you!
I would absolutely make that suggestion about being there leading up to her special moment! I think that's a great compromise. The only reason I am suggesting you move forward with this is because your daughter is already feeling sad that you won't be there. If she wasn't bothered by it then I would probably suggest leaving it alone. In this case, I think compromises can be made since it's also what she wants.
What does he do at regular family events? Does he attend?

I feel that she is honestly sacraficing too much if she is speaking in sorrow to not having her own parents bare witness. I can understand the anxiety and while I respect that she wishes to make him comfortable -- there must be compromise. I do not think it is outlandish to reiterate the fact that you, as parents, could help her get ready and see her on her way. He does not need to be any part of that nor bother with the fact that you're there and not witnessing, but it would give her a bit more comfort knowing you were part of the day, despite not witnessing. I feel it's the least he should be able to handle as I find it quite a bit of a stretch for her to get nothing out of it, even if it results in them being wedded. However, I would bring it up gently and let her come to her own decision; pushing it wouldn't help either party in achieving what they desire. Maybe even be honest with her and let her know it's okay for her to want you two there and that could be a healthy way for you two to be involved while respecting her fiance.

I'm sorry that you can't attend your daughter's wedding. It sounds really unfair of her fiance to not allow even her parents to attend. I would definitely ask her if you could spend the morning helping her get ready.

I think that's totally fine if your daughter is okay with it. Maybe you could go dress shopping with her? Ask her to film the ceremony so you can watch later? Maybe have a small family reception?

I have to agree with others here on this topic. I think it's great you're not pushing her, but because she has brought up some sorrow, it couldn't hurt to suggest you'd like to be involved in some small way. Being there beforehand is a great way to show your support, even if you can't attend the ceremony.

While elopements are nothing new, and people get married without their families and friends in attendance all the time, I personally find it a bit odd that he isn't making any concessions though it sounds like your daughter might like to. It seems like a discussion she should be having with him and not just you.

In my state you must have 2 witnesses in order to be legally wed. If it is the same in your state, who will he their witnesses? Strangers? Friends?

Hope this helps a little...

If she is okay with it, I would for sure go spend the morning with her while she is getting ready. You two can still have that special time together and get some pictures and most importantly celebrate this big milestone in your daughters life!

I totally understand where your daughter and her fiancé are coming from. Initially, we wanted to do the same thing because in our opinion, it’s about OUR love and future lives. We decided on a destination wedding with 50 guests instead. You should talk with your daughter to see if she really wants this or if she is ONLY doing it for him. I really think she will regret not having her close family (parents especially) there during such a special moment. I know I would regret it, which is why ultimately decided against it

Dress shopping would be a great way to be involved! If she doesn't mind, it's a great bonding time

Done ! It was a magic 2 days, rattling around the city she now calls home, and a time I will always remember. Am I selfish to be wanting more than this ??

View Quoted Comment The city my daughter and her fiancee live in is in close proximity to his family. We live quite some distance away and see them seldom. My new son in laws family is very domineering, and demand attendance from them at regular family gatherings (VERY large family). For example - s.i.l's brother married recently. Guest list was 280, 200 from fiancees family, 80 from brides. Bride has admitted she did not get the wedding she wanted due to her new familys dictate....My daughter does not want a repeat, so no family in attendance on either side - thats the quid pro quo...

View Quoted Comment Witnesses will be strangers - the pilot and 1 crew. They are travelling by helicopter to a breathtaking destination to be wed. 5 pob - bride and groom, photographer, pilot and crew member

View Quoted Comment I hear you Izzy - and I think this may well be a decision she regrets. Her fiancee feels marriage is an outmoded social convention, but know it is important to my girl, so has taken that leap. This I know is her pay back to him.

I totally hear it is about the couple concerned. A wedding day should definitely NOT be a piece of theatre for other peoples benefit. This is M and H's way of drawing a line in the sand and saying this IS about us, and we are doing this OUR way from Day 1. It is a bold statement made for primarily M's family who are extremely controlling. I get all that but still feel we arw the fall guys in all of this. I will definitely speak to my daughter and put forward a proposal about being there on her wedding day to help get her ready and see her on her way. I will not push, but I will regret it if I dont at least ask ! Thank you for all your feedback. Sincerely appreciated one and all xoxo

My mom and dad got hitched with no guests. Then my sister did the same thing. I'm having a wedding and everyone has been a living nightmare because they all feel cheated out of getting to help plan their daughters wedding (my grandmother being the WORST). I'd say my mom and sister both have some regrets about nobody being there so I definitely think your idea is reasonable. It's sweet that you're wanting to be included but also not being overbearing. Express this to her. I think she'll be happy to include you

I think what you are proposing sounds like a great compromise and shows that you are still respecting their wishes to have a solo ceremony. I would ask your daughter if that would be okay, but respect whatever decision she comes to. With an elopement they may also want to alone and only with each other after the ceremony.

I think it’s wonderful of you to respect their wishes. I do think you should make that suggestion. I understand having social anxiety, I deal with it every day, but I wouldn’t ask my FH to leave his parents out of our wedding day because of me. I think she deserves the choice to have both of you at least help her get ready and see her to the venue. Best of luck. ❤️

View Quoted Comment Thank you Taylor. Ive had a discussion with her Dad today and he agrees I must discuss how I am feeling with her. His reservation is the potential backlash/fallout from fiancees parents. And yes, I can see that. How would I feel to know M's parents had been there to support M on his wedding day, when I hadn't been afforded the luxury....fair point ! He then suggested I surprise our daughter...oh my - I need some more thinking time on this one !!

View Quoted Comment Totally Nicole ! My thoughts were around simply being there to assist in my daughters preparations prior to the wedding. A little time with her Dad and I - maybe riding with her to the heliport to see her off on her way to the ceremony, then POOF ! we are gone, on our way as 2 happy campers on our daughters wedding day, job done !

Maybe ask her if hes willing to have just both sets of parents?

if not then i would absolutely talk to her about helping her get ready and stuff.

View Quoted Comment Both sets of parents is a no go (it was mooted) - this is an all or nothing situation unfortunately, hence my hesitation to be involved and ruffle feathers /create disharmony and resentment with the fiancees family. Enter my husbands suggestion of a surprise appearance....this in itself has its own set of issues !