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Katie
Dedicated May 2021

Mother in Law

Katie, on February 2, 2021 at 2:33 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 13
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Over the weekend me and my FH were at his mother house. She brought up the wedding and started telling me all these people she needs to give me names for. Our wedding is 3 months away and we already have a very strict guest list. I have never met these people and neither has my FH. She also said that she is bringing one of her friends to the wedding which we also have never meet. I told her that because of COVID we can only have 150 people max (NY rules). Though our numbers are only at 100 I don't want these random people at the wedding.

Because of the way his mother is I have a feeling that she will invite them for me and they will just show up to the wedding.

What do I do? His mother has put NOTHING into the wedding so I feel like she does not have much of a say..

13 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on February 3, 2021 at 4:02 AM
  • Expert September 2021
    ·
    • Flag

    I had this issue too! I ended up having to be very blunt and just say that we would be making the guest list and the final calls and that we hoped she understood. I actually had a few in depth discussions about the costs of the wedding with my FMIL so she had a better understanding on how much each guests would costs and why we were being so selective, COVID or not! I had a lot of people tell me to have my fiancé handle it, but his mom and I talk a lot more than they do so I had to be the one to set the records straight. For me, I just had to make sure she knew how much we were paying and how we wanted OUR closest people there. And that she was more than welcome to invite whomever she wanted when she renewed her vows

    • Reply
  • Cassandra
    Dedicated October 2021
    Cassandra ·
    • Flag
    Bringing up the cost is a good idea. In the past traditionally weddings were used as a way for the family to show off by inviting co-workers, friends, and business clients of the parents. But that has been going away slowly in the last few years. And Covid really cut that out as a possible thing as you want to only invite your close bubble of family and friends of the couple. She is probably going with the more traditional thought process of inviting her guests as that is how it always was going to happen in her mind. Putting your foot down and saying we can't afford them, this is how much more they will cost. And don't forget when they say counts for Covid regulations that also counts the vendors. How many people does that put you at? I am guessing much more than 100.
    • Reply
  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
    • Flag

    I think your fiancé needs to sit down with his mom and firmly tell her no. My mother-in-law sent us and my brother-in-law (he got married six weeks after us) a guest list of about 50 people. Most of them were already on our list so it wasn't a big deal to us. However, my brother-in-law had a much smaller budget and guest list so he had to just say no. She can't force you guys to invite people you don't want at your wedding. If they show up, then they shouldn't be allowed to enter. I also would warn your venue that your mother-in-law could potentially invite people neither of you want at your wedding.

    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Super October 2021
    Lisa ·
    • Flag

    We are sort of in the same boat... my future in laws seem to think that since some of our potential guests have passed away they get to fill those seats with additional guests or they get to invite more people now that we postponed. Sorry, no and no. If they empty seats get filled, they will get filled by the people want them filled by and you don't get add people after the fact! When we first started planning, I asked both sets of parents who they wanted to invite, his parents gave us a list of people/couples who have all been invited. My parents didn't invite anyone but family.

    We are paying for our wedding, entirely by ourselves and his parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner (which we don't even want but his dad says 'that's what the grooms family pays for') so he will invite whoever he wants. He wants us to start planning this now but we can't because we don't know what October will look like. I'll give him that... if you want to invite ALL out of town invited guest to the rehearsal, then fine, it's their money. But we aren't adding more people to the guest list for the wedding.

    I think you and your fiancé need to be firm and not waiver. Explain why and leave it that.

    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
    • Flag
    There is nothing for you to do. Your FH needs to handle this
    • Reply
  • Tory
    Devoted May 2022
    Tory ·
    • Flag
    I would definitely try to discuss it with her, or make your FH be blunt about the fact that it’s your wedding and you guys are paying, so she can’t be adding guests to the list this close to your date (especially ones you guys don’t know). If she wants to have people added to the list then I would honestly say she either has to chip in the additional cost for those guests, or understand that they will not be allowed to attend (although I’m sure that wouldn’t necessarily go over well). However, she has to understand that it’s your day and not hers, so she can’t be inviting people that aren’t a part of your lives
    • Reply
  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag

    My general rule of thumb is that it is reasonable for parents to invite guests to their children’s wedding if they are contributing to the cost of it (of course still confirming this first with the bride and groom). Your mother in law has not done so and she has had total disregard for you by not discussing it earlier and otherwise just assuming you’d be ok with it.

    If it were me, I would nip it in the bud straight away by sitting her down and telling her that she is not permitted to invite anyone (politely) and that she needs to respect your decision in this regard. If possible, so as to not strain any relationship with her, get your fiancé to talk to his mother.

    • Reply
  • M
    Savvy November 2021
    Madison ·
    • Flag
    The plus one shouldn’t be a big deal but more is an issue. Have FH take care of this. It’s your day and you have to go along with restrictions already you don’t need to deal with this as well.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Dedicated October 2021
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    A similar thing happened with my fiancé’s dad. Before we decided to postpone last year, he and his stepmom gave us this list of people to invite. Not only had i not ever heard most of these people’s names before, but my fiancé had forgotten most of them! Some he flat out didn’t even know. His stepmom invited a bunch of her friends and relatives, mostly likely because she doesn’t like to travel much and wanted as many people around that she knew so she’d be more comfortable. We tried to just “overlook” them and not send them invites at all, but then his dad and stepmom said that people were getting back to them being all “Where’s my invite?” We had no choice then. We may reconsider things now that we’ve officially rescheduled
    • Reply
  • Jenn
    Dedicated May 2021
    Jenn ·
    • Flag
    This is us EXACTLY.
    She gave us a list of 67 people. And kept on adding more as time went on. My FH knew maybe 20 of them...
    No matter how many times we told her that we have way too many people already, she kept inviting people. She went as far as sending them our wedding website and the save the dates herself. Or people would rsvp and ask to add their additional guest because his mom said it was okay. The only thing that worked for us was to tell her that our venue might lose their business and/or receive fines if we violate the covid regulations. That if all these people turn up, the owner of the venue will get in so much trouble. She doesn't believe covid is real, so reasoning with her about the danger of covid didn't work.
    • Reply
  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
    • Flag

    If she's not contributing financially to your wedding, then she shouldn't have any say in the guest list. I would have your FH talk to her and he can blame your restrictions on budget and Covid.

    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Rockstar August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    This is where your FH needs to step in.

    "Mom, we have a set guest list. There is a set budget. We cannot have any more people. No."

    She'll probably push.

    "No."

    She'll push some more.

    "No, don't make us hire security to keep people away."

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    Fiance needs to set boundaries and let his mom know that extra people will not be invited. Maintain those boundaries and keep saying no. You are a united front and this is practice for future events (where to live, how to raise kids, etc) when you maintain the boundaries. Most venues require you hire security anyway.
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