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Kalie
Dedicated June 2020

Monster-in-laws

Kalie, on February 20, 2020 at 10:15 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 22
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So my fiancé and I have finalized our guest list, however his parents constantly ask to see the list (Keep in mind my parents are paying for the guests and not his). My parents haven’t asked once to see the list. His dad has a friend who he wants to be invited, however my fiancé does not want him there at all. We have had this conversation many times, but now that I’m asking for addresses to be able to send out invitations, his father has gotten really angry about it. We are trying to stand our ground, but I would like opinions on how to handle this situation. Do we just give his father what he wants?

22 Comments

  • Crystal
    Devoted November 2020
    Crystal ·
    • Flag

    That sucks.

    Is there a reason why your fiance doesn't want that friend invited? Like do they not handle themselves responsibly?

    His anger is his own. If he wants to be mad he can be mad. If he really wanted a say in people attending, he should have said, "here's X amount towards the wedding". Even if he didn't have much the gesture, to me, would mean a lot.

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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn Online ·
    • Flag

    "No," is a complete sentence. As long as you continue to discuss it, it's still a possibility in his mind.

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  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    This. If he refuses to hear no, say “we’ve already addressed this and won’t be discussing it anymore”.
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  • Breanna
    Dedicated September 2020
    Breanna ·
    • Flag
    The way I see it is it's your wedding, not theirs. If they aren't helping pay for the guests then they have zero say on who should be invited. It's your day and you shouldn't have people there that you don't want. I wouldn't want my FH uncomfortable or irritated on our wedding day because he was pressured into adding someone to the list that he didn't want there. I would firmly stand my ground and basically say no means no. It may be a little harsh, but there has to be a good reason why your FH doesn't want that person there.
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  • Kalie
    Dedicated June 2020
    Kalie ·
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    The problem is is that we keep saying no. It’s not even an interest for my fiancé, but he’s now scared to keep saying no to his parents so he turns it on me.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn Online ·
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    What is he scared of? They aren't funding anything, there's literally nothing they can do.

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  • Taylor
    VIP October 2020
    Taylor ·
    • Flag

    Why does his dad think he's entitled to invite random people to his sons wedding that he isn't contributing financially to? My future in laws gave us a small amount of money and are paying for the rehearsal dinner so I gave them somewhat of a say. My parents paid for 25% and my FH and I are paying for the rest. Because we are footing the majority of the bill, we are ultimately inviting who we want. I'll take your wishes into consideration but you will not tell me who to invite. No pay, no play. I wouldn't say anything else about it.

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  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    If his father isn’t paying then he gets no say in the guest list, especially for someone your fiancé doesn’t want there. Just tell him you’re sorry but you don’t have the space or budget for another guest.
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  • Chrysta
    Super November 2020
    Chrysta ·
    • Flag
    Personally, I would just shut him down. If he approached me about it again, I would simply state NO. The only people we want in attendance for this special day are those who are extremely close to & important to us. While we understand & respect that this person is important to YOU, we ask that you please understand and respect that they are not important to US.
    FFIL can feel free to invite said friend out for a nice dinner and drinks on his own dime. I just don’t understand the entitlement of some people, and how they can make a very special, private event about themselves. I mean, seriously 🤦🏼‍♀️

    Another option would be to tell FFIL that your guest list has been finalized and has reached the maximum capacity at the venue. Tell him you have already had to cut important people that you both would love to be there in order to keep the guest list under maximum capacity, and there is a long list of people you will be adding if space becomes available (ie, RSVPs declining to attend). Offer to put FFIL’s friend’s name at the bottom of the pretend list. Maybe that will shut him up.
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  • Amy
    Beginner June 2021
    Amy Online ·
    • Flag
    It's your wedding end of story 😍. He already got to have his own wedding and invite whomever he wanted
    • Reply
  • T
    Dedicated September 2020
    Taylor ·
    • Flag

    My FMIL is the same way, she isn't contributing at all but told my FH that he needed to give her a copy of the guest list to look over and approve. He gently but firmly told her that she doesn't get to see it, as we (along with help from my parents) are paying for the wedding and it is none of her business who we choose to invite. She didn't like it, but has now accepted it and moved on. I would stand your ground, especially if you and your FH don't want this person there. If you give in on this, it likely won't be the last thing you get pressured into.

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  • Fmv
    Super October 2020
    Fmv ·
    • Flag
    Just say no. Have your fiance say it was a mutual decision and its no. If they arent funding it-then they dont get a say
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    This and if you want just say you two are sticking to a budget and would rather keep your list where it is. I know your fiance does not want to cause problems but those are his parents and he needs to be the one to stand up to them. If you have to get involved then simply tell them that with all due respect we can share the list but that no additional people will be added. This is who we want to share the wedding day with and the list has been finalized. To me they can see the list all they want but they cannot add to it. If they are really pushing for their friends I would still say no but are they willing to pay for them to attend? I strongly hate when people try to have a say in how others spend their money.

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  • Kalie
    Dedicated June 2020
    Kalie ·
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    His dad and mom think they have been entitled to every part of my wedding. Even my bridal shower. This may be due to the fact that they have no daughters and this is the only wedding they’ve forced themselves to be apart of. However, it has become apparent to me that they are not trying to take over my wedding (without financially supporting it) and making excuses as to why my FH and I should listen to them and stop making them upset.
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  • Kalie
    Dedicated June 2020
    Kalie ·
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    Thank you for this advice on what to say, especially about closeness and importance to myself and my fiancé and not those outside of us. I have already stated that that was the final guest list and now FMIL is telling me that we need to reconsider. I already bought invitations, and although I was going to buy extra, my FH told me not too, so now I really do not have anything extra to hand out.
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  • A
    Dedicated September 2020
    Alys ·
    • Flag

    Fiancé and I have a rule about dealing with family. We make all our decisions together, but he is responsible for communicating it to his parents and family and I’m responsible for communicating with mine. That’s because he has decades of history, love, relationship, etc with them. He can tell them hard truths and stand firm and their relationship will be resilient enough to to handle it. Same with my side.


    This is something your fiancé must deal with, not you. You can give him suggestions and emotional support, but he still needs to be the one to speak with the parents. He has decided he doesn’t want this guest at your wedding. And it’s his dad making a big fuss about it. Therefore, he needs to deal with his dad and say the decision is final, dads friend won’t be receiving an invite. Whether your FH decides to be diplomatic (we don’t have space, or we want to keep it to people we’re really close to) or direct (we don’t want to invite him) is entirely up to your fiancé. Your in laws not having a daughter doesn’t entitle them to throw tantrums about getting control of your wedding.

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  • Alejandra
    Expert November 2020
    Alejandra ·
    • Flag
    Absolutely not. They’re not paying, so they have no say in the guest list, and your fiancé’s “no” is much more important than what your FFIL wants.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Weddings are not a pay to play deal. Even parents paying nothing are usually given a few guests not on B or G list. If he is getting none or 1 or 2, it is quite reasonable for him to ask. Most families do give a few, or a table full, to each parent. If he already has 8-20 ( more than three couples) or more, he is going way over what you want, and can reasonably be told, no more . Period. Or drop someone else he asked for, to have this guy ( trade-off.) Most parents do get a few non family members of their own generation. And let likely knows that.
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  • Jasmine
    Dedicated September 2020
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    No! It’s your wedding with your man! If FH doesn’t want that person there, then he has that right. Let FH deal with his dad
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  • Kalie
    Dedicated June 2020
    Kalie ·
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    Unfortunately, there’s about five of his friends/family’s that my fiancé doesn’t even know who are already invited. This is a friend to whom my fiancé does not like whatsoever. Thank you for your input and unbiased view on the situation that they do deserve some say. Finances haven’t been a problem with my parents and I, and my parents are not mad that there are more people being discussed. But they believe it is ultimately the bride and grooms decision. Plus this is becoming a larger fight now after already discussed months ago, since we are about to send out our invites to our FINAL guest list.
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