Monster in law??

My FHs mother passed when he was 15. I'll never meet her, talk to her. She won't help me plan our wedding or get to see any children we bring into the world. Your fmil may not be the best, but at least she's around. I don't even get that. Suck it up buttercup.

ETA: you both need to have a conversation. Point blank.

Your FH is enabling her. He should be the one to talk to her about this. However, from my experience, men with bizarre relationships like this with their mothers do not change. Hopefully your situation is different though.

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@Elizabeth No. her son is about to get married which makes him a grown man. They are not a "package deal" and not getting along with his mother certainly does not mean they should not be getting married. She is marrying him, not his mother. OP, your FH needs to address this with her.

Lucio@Last read my mind. She asked the same question I was going to ask. How old is he that she thinks it's an option to come and get him?

It is time to draw a line in the sand. HE has to draw it (you can do so as well, but it sounds like she wouldn't care), and if his mother crosses it, consequences are in order. If he can't do it himself, then he needs to find out why he's tolerating this behavior towards you, and towards himself.

Y'all we are in our mid 20s.

He is still in school so he still lives with her ?? We have been together for about 4 years and she hasn't liked me from the get go but I stay with him because I LOVE him, I love his siblings, even his dad. I don't have a mother, mine was a crack head. Out of his entire family she is the only one with the problem, she's constantly holding it over my head that I don't have a mom. It doesn't bother me, but I kind of find it annoying. FH and I had a very long talk last night, he can't really move out yet we have a lease signed for the fall. However we did agree to not let her pay for anything and include her in as little as possible. Starting out with this engagement I wanted her to be apart of everything (getting ready, wedding dress shopping, and so on) because she didn't get to do that with her first daughters wedding. I have now realized that that was a mistake and she won't be near any of that. Thanks for all of the support and comments. We are still fairly young and we still have a lot to learn about the wedding and in law stuff thanks for hanging on with us! Blessed to have WW!

Everything that @A Bride said = yes.

So you guys need to get your own place. He needs to set boundaries that he's not going to get when his mom still cooks his dinners and makes his lunches.

I am sorry about your mom but you have to stop talking wedding with this woman. If they gave you money, pay it back. Plan and pay for the wedding yourself. If she asks about wedding tell her you have everything under control

His mother is not a "package deal". And no, you don't have to suck it up just because you're marrying him. I am very straight forward and always make it clear when I don't like something that my fmil says to me. AND I MAKE SURE my fiancé lets her know, too! Just because he is her son, does not mean she has the upper hand. IF she is wrong, then she IS wrong. No way around it.

eta-spelling

I think you need to sit her down and speak to her

I had similar issues with my FMIL. It seemed like after we got engaged she became so rude and always had rude comments about EVERYTHING! I kept my mouth shut for a while until she said something that I couldn't just "get over". I told FH, he immediately spoke to her and then she and I had a 3 hour convo -_-. I say all that to say: 1. He should be standing up for you to his mom. Leave and cleave people. 2. You have to find a balance between respecting her, but standing up for yourself.

Personally, I would put the wedding planning on hold until FH proves that he can set boundaries with his mother. Sometimes love isn't enough and if he can't deal with his mother, it will destroy your relationship.

And I second the post that say you are marrying HIM, not his family. If you all get along, great! If not, just have respect and move forward the best you can. I hope the situation gets better for you!

"Secondly, I seriously don't understand."

You don't understand because you put words in my mouth and turned what I said into something that never was. At which point did I or anyone on this thread say that the MIL needs to have her way and that the evil bitch DIL is clearly in the wrong because mommy won't be outranked? I'll answer. Never. That never happened. It was never said.

What we are saying is that she will never be out of the picture unless her FH pushes her out of the picture. If he has not done that by now, he likely won't, and she shouldn't be marrying into a family that she can't stand because, ultimately, she will drive herself crazy. When you get married, what you see is what you get. Don't go into it thinking that things will change. They will not (at least not without some major counseling, which others suggested). If you can't handle it, then don't get married.

If you're still confused by that, I don't know what to tell you.

Boundaries and consequences

As long as she holds his purse strings by providing food, shelter and probably almost everything else, then mama needs to be his number one concern. You don't bite the hand feeding you if you have no meal alternatives.

So, in my opinion this man is nowhere near ready for marriage. You need to put wedding planning on HOLD until you get in your own place and on your own 4 feet. Until then you need to accept that she's got the upper hand and try and stay afloat as best you can. If I were you, I would be putting plenty of distance and outa-sight, outa-mind between you and his mom. You've got more than a year before the wedding. Stepping back from planning and wedding related activities until he is on his own won't hurt your timeline at all.

So you're saying it IS possible for a FH to set boundaries with his mother and being a "package deal" is NOT the only option after all? Because that is what I have been saying all along! This is not the angle you originally came from.

How many times on here do you see people saying, "oh well, it's his mother, better get used to it since you marry the family too" Saying "they come as a package deal" sends a very different message along the lines of you'd better get used to it since it's normal for a grown ass man to still be attached to his mother.

The answer is that FH needs to set boundaries with his mother because his family should NOT be part of package deal. He can still have a relationship with her, but it should not assumed that his mother is an equal in your marriage.

However, in the situation where FH wants to be in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with his mother, then it is best to drop him since you will not be able to separate him from his mommy.

But "marrying the family" should never be what is expected of anyone.

"So you're saying it IS possible for a FH to set boundaries with his mother and being a "package deal" is NOT the only option after all? Because that is what I have been saying all along! This is not the angle you originally came from."

Yes, your FH's mother is a package deal IF she is in the picture. That is absolutely true and I don't take that back. The only time the mother isn't a package deal is if they are estranged. Otherwise, she is part of the package because she will always be a part of his life. Now, sometimes, that's a good package as some FMILs are great. Sometimes, they're okay and just need some help with boundaries. Sometimes, they're a living hell. But no matter which of those three categories they fall into, in-laws are always part of the deal if they're in the FH's life. That's a fact.

This is a difficult subject. I've had a similar situation with my FMIL and didn't talk to her for a while. It was driving me and my FH apart because he is a mamas boy. We settled our differences and are on good terms now. But from what your saying on here, it seems like she feels like she is losing her little boy to you. She just feels insecure and that's her own issue.

Well, thank god my husband and I believe that when we became adults and got married, our parents take a backseat row if they still want to be a part of our lives. When my MIL misbehaves, there are fucking consequences because our nuclear family will always come first, no contest. If you seriously believe that your spouse's mother should have equal say in her grown adult child's life, than we will never agree. I'm done. I've said my piece.

Best of luck to you Hannah. My husband has an extremely difficult mother, but thanks to our family boundaries, she doesn't prevent us from having a very strong marriage. The ball is in your FH's court now; how he handles his mother's treatment of you both will be very telling. All the best. xx