Just Said Yes September 2020

Mom & Mother-in-law Personalities Clashing!

Megan, on November 15, 2019 at 8:37 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 4
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My FW is the only child, and her mom's princess. Her mom is a go getter and doesn't wait if my FW wants something. Her mom will get it or make it happen right there. I'm the youngest of 3, both my siblings already had their weddings. My mom is a little more rough around the edges, "you work for what you want, traditionally you and your FW should be paying for this and that" give ya the reality kind of woman. Both our mom's have given a generous budget, however, my FW and her mom are a littleeeee more, how should I say, (glamorous?) than my mother and I are.

The 4 of us went to the venue a few weekends ago to look at the centerpieces we bought on the actual tables. While there, my FMIL starts talking about flowers costs openly (we haven't even spoken with a florist yet) and my mom snapped back with "Well once the budgets out the budgets out!" I knew she was upset, and after that she started acting weird, so we finally sat down and had a conversation last week. She tells me she doesn't feel comfortable paying for things she doesn't believe are sensible and goes on and on.

Bottom line, I feel like it's coming down to a clash of personalities. My mom will wait and research something or a service, read reviews, and take her time purchasing things or making down payments. Her mom, will jump all over it, and find what we're (she's) looking for and buy it right away. I feel like I'm in the middle because I know how my mom is and I was raised similar, so I don't want her upset. BUT I also know how my FMIL is and she will NEVER change. I'm stuck in the middle, and not sure how to get these two, 60 year old women to see eye to eye. Anyone else dealing with this?! Help!


  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    You should both have a talk with your respective mothers about how you want the planning process to go. It's great that they want to contribute financially, however, this wedding is between you and your FW, not you, your FW, and both of your moms. One resolution would be to have each parent agree to cover certain vendors, so there's no compromising between the two about budget for certain things. You could also just ask them each how much they feel comfortable contributing total and use that money how you see fit. I personally would tell them that I appreciate their offer to help, but I would rather plan and pay for my own wedding instead of having a wedding that someone else wants me to have.

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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal Online ·
    • Flag

    If they aren't each giving you cash that you are then free to choose how you spend it, are they willing to allot their contribution toward specific items (especially your mom)? Like, is your mom more comfortable knowing whatever her, very generous, contribution is, is going toward things she considers "necessities," like food, beverage, your dress, DJ, etc.? If so, work with her on how she wants to apply "her contribution" to those items (e.g., does she want to write checks directly to the vendor or give you the money to pay for certain things), and assure her that once "her money" is spent you are fully aware that's all she can contribute, so you and FW and/or FMIL will cover everything else. And, again, you are so thankful for her contribution!

    For daughter's wedding, FOB and I initially contributed about 75% and FOG contributed 25%. FOG had VERY strong feelings about the professional photography, so the cost of that came directly out of his 25%. Beyond that, he didn't really care how D & SIL spent the remainder of his contribution, which he gave them in cash, but once it was spent/allocated, that was it. I worked much more closely with daughter regarding the choices she was making, and over time it became clear there were things that she'd really like to upgrade/add that weren't part of the original budget. FOB and I agreed to cover those increased costs, and ultimately, we paid about 80% of the total cost and FOG's contribution covered about 20% of the final budget. We ALL (including SIL's mom, who is divorced from his dad, and wasn't able to contribute anything financially) "hosted" the wedding, regardless of the cost/contribution breakdown.

    Good luck!

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  • Danielle
    Devoted May 2020
    Danielle ·
    • Flag
    I think it's great that her mom is great. No problem there. You should give your mom specific duties so she doesn't have to keep up with fw mom.
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  • J
    Super April 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag

    I agree, the best way is to divide and conquer! Each mom has some control over some things, not all of it!

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