Moh/bm responsibilities

The only thing we're asking of the MOH and BM is to help keep us on track with time.

View Quoted Comment I think often what I see and read on these boards is for your MOH & BMs to be as equally excited and involved as you are. The reality is that it’s your wedding and no one really is as excited as you. Also, people do have lives. We’re in 2019 and there’s so many roles and responsibilities that people have outside of someone else’s one day event.

I chose all of my girls because of who they are to me. My MOHs are my best friend and very close cousin. My final two BMs are also my close cousins. Here’s the catch: My MOH just got a promotion and has a baby (my flower girl and god daughter). My other MOH is in three weddings (including my own - which is last) next year. My other little cousin is the most immature of the group but she’s our little sister. My other cousin is getting married too (I and my MOH is in her wedding in January). Therefore, I don’t expect much.

My expectation is that when I call/text they’ll answer. You can’t gauge someone’s excitement via text. I ask that they attend the rehearsals and day of and are prepared to handle the payments towards the dress, hair and makeup etc. I hope that we have a chance to bond the night before the wedding. However, I understand their obligations and financial commitments.

My mother and aunt is throwing me a bridal shower I don’t want. My mom and best friend is planning a Bach. Party that I hope is as simple as simple can be. I bounce ideas off of all of my BMs but based on their personalities. I’m not going to ask my cousin that’s getting married too much because she’s planning her own. But, I won’t ask my little cousin much about wedding planning cause she’s never wedding planned. So, it’s also about knowing your people too. Timing of your wedding also plays a part. I do expect my best friend to join in on some of the other help like wedding dress shopping. But I asked her not because she’s my MOH but because she’s my best friend. There’s a difference. I asked her would she’d be willing to handle some tasks. I didn’t feel entitled.

I think we slap on these titles and forget that they’re human too. We use these titles to condone our entitlement. The reality is that the only people that really need to have much excitement and care about your wedding is you and your fiancé. You choose people that you know will share in the joy too but to need that joy from them every single time is inconsiderate of their life too.

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I think its because a lot of guys just don't- my groom, awesome as he is, does not give a damn what color the table cloths and linens are or if the place is even decorated at all. He will give opinions, if i ask him specifics, but ultimately he doesn't care as long as he gets to marry me. A lot of non-planning partners simply do not care about 3/4 of wedding planning. I was always told it was the girls job to help the bride, go dress shopping, bouncing ideas, generally supporting the bride. especially because there are details the groom doesn't want to know about whatsoever (literally anything the bride is wearing, specifically). I'm not saying that the bridesmaids should be 24/7 on call drop everything or that they need to put a lot of money towards a party (I'm putting a bon-fire on my land and byob. anything more special than that is up to the girls if they choose). I'm just saying i'm not sure how someone could be close enough to a bride to warrant standing up with her without giving at least some of happy pre-wedding support. I'm not talking about extreme levels of commitment. Why does it seem like so many people think extravagant parties are being required? maybe its just a culture thing where none of this will be the case for everyone.

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This is a great answer!!!!

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But again, why do you expect your bridesmaids and friends to care about colors and decorations and attire but the person you are marrying doesn't have to care and that's totally fine?

Everyone approaches these things differently and i think it's important to remember that. I did not want anyone's opinions or advice when i was dress shopping, picking dresses and colors, etc (other than my mom bc she was paying and my FI bc it was his wedding too). Because of that, I generally refrain from asking my friends about those things too. Many brides don't want to share all the details of their big day with people, so I don't ask unless they ask me a direct question about something. It doesn't mean I don't support or love them.

For example, I always feel horrible dress shopping with people. I don't want to be put in that position. It's your day, you should wear what you love and makes you feel beautiful, not what I think is the prettiest or most flattering dress...what if we disagree? I'm not going to be that person. Point is, it doesn't matter what I think, or your BM's think, it matters what you think. and what your FI thinks, bc you're the ones getting married.

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It is quite true that everyone approaches things differently. For my own approach, this wedding isn't about us and because of that, our opinions are not the first ones considered on everything. Now, yes, we have made decisions together about cake, catering and venue but not decorating or our outfits or anything else.

If the wedding was really about us, we would go to the court house, be in and out and done in a half hour and move on with our lives with much less expense. For us, our wedding is more about our guests being comfortable. Its about my dad having the chance to walk me down the aisle and my mom and grandma having the chance to be with me getting ready. It is for my family to actually meet his family (all of my family are from out of state). Its also about his grandparents coming to meet me for the first time. Its also about giving back to the people who gave us our start (parents and grandparents) and making them feel welcome so yes, largely it is about the guests. They are there for us but ultimately the entire shindig for them so why wouldn't we get their opinions?

However, we don't want to give everything away to everyone or there wont be any surprises left so my girls are the natural place for me to be able to ask questions, post pics, etc. My closest friends have always been the people i go to for that. For that matter they are some of the most obvious people we want to honor so again their opinions are more to us for this particular case than our own. We want them to be comfortable and feel like they look good. That is something my FH and I established very early on.

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First things first - No one is going to be as excited as you about your wedding. If all your doing with this particular bridesmaid is talk about the wedding, I can see why she's distant. Have you have asked her about what 's going on in her life, how's she doing? Made plans to do something that doesn't involve the wedding?

I've not really been talking about my bridesmaids in particular here. I had/have no real issues with my girls as of the moment. the 2 local ones and i actually have plans for a crafting date (working on the DIY backdrop) on saturday. I just spent the night watching my MoH's child and we interacted briefly this morning and have plans with my other local bridesmaid on saturday before the crafting date. My 3rd bridesmaid has offered repeatedly to help with whatever she can from her distance. I started this thread because I noticed a few brides posting elsewhere who were simply wanting what i would consider friendship support from their girls and being told that was above and beyond and that they needed to lower their expectations, which confused me. I asked this question to understand why this is happening in general, not because of anything to do with my own girls.

I was a bridesmaid six times. I was never asked to do anything other than show up in the dress. And when I got married my fiancé and my mother helped me (not that I would ever get involved in craft-y things), a good friend gave me a shower, and that was that.

View Quoted Comment You're being a little hypocritical here. You don't want a friend to stand up beside you who won't help you plan but are a-ok with the person you're marrying not helping out because he's a guy and guys don't care? My husband planned everything with me (except for attire) We stuffed envelopes together, picked out centerpieces and other decor, made place cards, etc...Was he thrilled doing all of that stuff? Of course not! Neither was I. A lot of wedding planning is tedious but it needs to get done. By all means, if your fh won't help and your bridesmaids offer, then take them up on it. However, don't voluntell them to do something and then call them unsupportive because they're too busy with their own lives to help plan a wedding that isn't theirs. That anger should be reserved for your fh.

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Who said anyone was angry here? my girls are wonderful and excited to help me. My FH helps when/where he can. Also how is it hypocritical to expect my friends to be friends and give opinions on stuff that FH can't/shouldn't see? I think a message got lost in translation somewhere.

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The only thing your fiance can't/shouldn't see is your dress. What other things do you need opinions on that you don't want your fiance to see? You can ask them for opinions but you can't get mad at them for not providing them if they are busy with stuff going on in their own lives.

View Quoted Comment Besides the dress, what shouldn't your fh see/help with? From all your responses on here it does sound as if you expect a lot from your bridesmaids, more than you expect from your fh.

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Things like hair, accessories, make up.... i am letting them decide their own but they know i expect them to coordinate so they don't look like a ragtag group of mismatch and they are fine with this.

Also yes, I do expect a lot but i made that clear when i asked them to be in the wedding party and they were both fine with it and excited to help. Also, i suppose that I expect a lot more because that's how we operate. My few friends that I have, I am super close with. Before I started spending considerably more time with my FH, my MoH and I would have sleepovers almost every Friday. That's part of why I wouldn't have anyone else in that role (well that and she introduced us as FH is her brother). Now, she sees helping me with wedding stuff as an opportunity to spend more time with me and would be deeply hurt if i didn't ask her. Similarly, my other local bridesmaid, who was a late add due to one dropping, was over the moon to be invited, let alone in the party and is stoked to be helping me with some DIYs and hanging out with both me and my MoH. Both of them have kids and lives but they also know they can include their kids in most of it and that I have no problem with them saying "give me a day or two because....." if they have things going on. My long distance bridesmaid will also be very sad if i dont let her help with things similar to how i helped her when i was her bridesmaid (not a lot before because distance but helped with centerpieces/decor the week of and got ready with her, etc.)

The part that was, and in some ways still is, confusing to me is how is someone such a good friend that they would support a bride in any other aspect of life but not wedding planning. PI am not talking about messaging them every single day or expecting them to throw a lavish destination affair for the pre-parties. I'm talking for brides that are not as close as I am with my girls, why is it so wrong to expect them to act as your friend before and not just during one of the most important events of your life? Perhaps being a friend means something closer and different to me than it does to other people which is why I stated before about it being my perspective.

Also as far as FH is concerned, the idea of him helping me with some of my DIYs is laughable. That is just not part of his skill set. He has helped plenty but there are some things he just would be lost at and its part of why we compliment each other so well. He helps where he can.

I would say it's more so on an individual basis. Every person and wedding is different. Oftentimes the best man doesn't have any real duties, show up and make sure the groom does with tux in hand and maybe hold the rings during the ceremony until it's time to present them. But I think the responsibilities all depend on the couple and what they need. I definitely think you should do more if you hold that role and it's ok to ask for or expect you MoH/BM to do more. My MoH was my lifeline and she did so much for me! She kept me sane throughout the process.

My grandma told me that when she got married, her mom gave a luncheon at her house for the bridesmaids. Tea sandwhiches and cake. My mom said she went out for drinks with the BMs. NOW it has gotten out of hand. As to DIY, it is do it yourself. Fine if someone volunteers, but don't draft people

That's great that you have people who want to help when you ask. The problem arises when the MOH and/or bridesmaids don't want to help or can't because they have stuff going on in their own lives and the bride gets mad.

I’ve never heard that it changed. I live in Texas if that helps.

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Hmm... i guess when i say tradition, i'm going on my own family(ies).

2 generations of my mom's family and dad's as far back as they can remember, its always been the woman with maybe her mom/gma and bridesmaids to plan the wedding (both of these in Michigan). My FH's parents confirmed the same for their families from Florida. Perhaps even tradition varies family to family.

I am a bit older (probably) than a lot of brides here (53) and I have been to A LOT of weddings since the early 70's - lots of cousins, friends and neighbors. Used to be a church ceremony followed by a dinner and dance at the VFW till midnight and we called it a day. Now? Holy moly. Expectations are HUGE for everyone. No one is as excited as you are for your day and if people want to plan a shower, they can. Not everyone wants to go to Mexico for a bachelorette party. We just attended a wedding in July where we went out to brunch a week later with the bride and groom and she started saying she was going to fire her maid of honor as she did not "step up." I was like, what? When did firing your attendants become a thing?

Ask people to stand with you and let that be your ONLY expectation or feelings will be hurt needlessly.

If someone asked me to be in their wedding and spelled out expectations beyond showing up, on time, all pressed and pretty, I would politely decline. The thought of dress shopping, DYI'ing for someone else's wedding, anything.......nope.

I had my two college age sons as my Best Men but even with my girlfriends I never asked for their opinions. Too many cooks spoil the pot - besides, my hubby had some clear cut ideas on what he liked and did not like. Why should your attendants care more than your fiance? It is his wedding, too!