MOH trying to sabotage wedding. Bridal parties. Be very careful. Go with 1st instinct

When I started planning our wedding. Until, my MOH (I think she is/she can't give me an answer 2 weeks before) ... insisted she be my MOH where we have been friends for 25 years, and my sister lives far away, and wouldn't be involved. Her words were "oh, you just have to have me be your MOH." I wanted to blurt out thank you, I would love to have you, but I stand my ground no wedding party, but I got all wishy washy over her interest in wanting to stand by my side that day, and agreed to have her in it. Now, my FH felt he had to choose a best man, which he did. Then this so-called friend insisted I ask our other mutual friend (so she wouldn't be up there alone) to be a bridesmaid. I went with it. MY FH picked his brother to be a groomsmen. Even wedding parties are important to him (not so much for me). That girl turned out to be a flake and secretly had discussions with my MOH (who told me all summer that she was thinking of not being in it) that she was going to step down because she didn't feel comfortable in her skin because she is overweight, and has self-esteem issues. These friends are my friends for 25 years now. I never pushed the issue. I told my MOH that it puts me in an awkward position knowing that this girl is going to flake out last minute. There are hair and makeup appointments to schedule and pay for, bouquets to order, transportation to figure out, gifts to buy them. I asked if she could get to the bottom of it considering these discussions were between the two of them. Her reply was: Oh, if she wants to jump in last minute it will be ok. I said, no it is not ok, for the above reasons I listed. From start to finish this MOH has acted like our wedding was just no big deal ... oh, just jump in last minute if you feel like it, if not, no big deal? Then the bach parties last weekend. I'd like to hear what the negative nelly's would think of this one: My FH called my MOH to ask her if she was planning a bachelorette get together because if she wasn't he didn't feel comfortable having a bachelor party (so sweet of him) - she told him, yes, I am planning something. On the same night as his bach party. Well, nothing was planned. She treated it like any other night. She called nobody. Not even the best man's girlfriend who she knows. She was going to go out until her boyfriend came home from hockey with his son. Awful. I ended up staying in. By myself last Saturday night while my FH was at his bach party. I texted her the rehearsal information (after trying to reach her by phone, which went unanswered) 2 weeks ago. Yesterday in the middle of final counts, paying off vendors, corresponding with vendors (its getting hectic now) she asks if there is a rehearsal planned! Oh, nice of you to come around 2 wks before the wedding ... ugh. In the end, I finally told her I was highly concerned for her and my wedding day. I told her I had to cancel her hair and makeup appointment (that I was paying for) because she is unreliable and I wasn't going to pay for any cancelation fees. I told her that no, our friend can't just jump in now because the florist is paid for, I'm not adding in a bouquet, and the transportation I chose only seats 4, no room for her now. These are all things they should have either committed to a month ago at least, or declined. It has been like pulling teeth to get answers from these girls. How awful. She finally admitted that she didn't choose to be in this position, and that her boyfriend doesn't let her see her family or her friends. My sympathy is waning. She is a homeowner, and a grown woman, she is choosing to stay in this relationship as far as I am concerned. There are no children involved. I told her I respected her decisions, I still love her, but I couldn't rely on her for the wedding day (dress bustle?) - I'll have my DOC bustle me, she is not needed. Finally, I heard from her ex-husband of only a little over a year. I learned a lot of things. I learned she is jealous. He told me that we are calling her bluff because she always used to brag that I would never get married, and that my FH would never marry me. That explains all the references from her this year "if me and so-and-abusive-so-and-so get married" - she actually thinks it should be her getting married. There is certainly an element of jealousy going on. Which to me, is so sad. We've known each other forever. For me, I could care less if I'm up there by myself and FH has 2 other people next to him. I am elated that I am marrying FH in 2 weeks. We have a top-notch honeymoon waiting for us (2 weeks so excited), and 104 other positive guests who are happy for us. Sometimes it takes a wedding to find out who your true friends are. Go with your instinct. If you don't want a wedding party, don't let anyone talk you into it. She caused so much upheaval. It made planning very, very difficult. Not to mention money wasted. Its not always the bride being the jerk in this instance.

I am so sorry that you are going through this all while trying to plan a beautiful day. I agree that it does pay to listen to your instincts but it sounds like you were trying to give her the benefit of trusting in your friendship. Hugs.

That is just way too much drama. I picked those who I KNEW were not flaky and who WOULD be there. I had zero problems.

Perhaps you need better friends.

Sadly, I learned that E-Tex. Time for new friends. It took a wedding.

I'm sorry you're going through this Rhonda. It sucks. I'm also sorry that a few people here on WW made you feel bad enough that you had to delete your account. I remember your initial post, and didn't think there was anything awful about it. Thank you for coming back and sharing your lesson learned.

Thank you Brandee and FutureMrs.DCT. As I mentioned, I was grateful for the positive responses and understanding.

This (maybe she is maybe isn't) MOH told me that sadly she has a "backup" if her boyfriend causes trouble that day. I don't need that kind of drama. I swear it follows me around. Friends since we were teens, talked on the phone everyday, referred to each other as sisters for years. It was just bad timing on my part, that when I got engaged, she entered into a really bad relationship. Because of her problems in life, she is now jealous that things are going good for me. There is so much more I haven't even written about. But, yup, she says she still wants to be in it, and has a backup date incase this bad boyfriend of hers starts trouble. Very scary stuff. I don't want it anywhere near my wedding. I want happy.

I should add that I was in an abusive relationship for 20 years. I have very little tolerance for abusive men and can spot them a mile away. This friend, MOH, didn't talk to me for a while because she couldn't stand him. I can't get over that now she is in the same position. She can't make a move without him. She admitted it to me. While I feel terrible for her, we are old enough to get out of such situations. She has nothing tying him to her. Furthermore, she has children from a previous marriage who are being subjected to this abuse. I feel bad, but I was overwhelmed with sadness when her ex told me this wknd what she said about me not getting married and how FH would never ask me ... and that now we are calling her bluff. That sounds like a poor friend, and not something you want to learn 2 weeks before you get married. You would hope your friends would be happy for you. That's all. Thanks for the support.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had to kick a bm out of my first wedding. From the time I asked her, she acted like she was entitled and that the wedding would fall apart without her. The rest of my bp kept it from me as long as they could. They finally told me what was going on. I was having a difficult time with her as I could never get her on the phone and she never returned my calls. When I kicked her out, she went to the bridal shop the next day, paid for, and picked up her dress, so I couldn't use it. Then, she had the nerve to demand money for it. I told her I would have paid for the dress, had she never taken it out of the store. After the wedding, she took me to small claims court over the dress. I talked to a lawyer friend for advice. He told me to pay it. Being a vindictive bitch that I am. I told him I was going to fight it. He said my chances were 50/50. We went to court. The judge heard both sides. A couple weeks later, I get a letter in the mail. I won! It was the best moment! Needless to say, we really don't have a bridal party. Our kids will stand up with us. The only problem I have is FH's daughter. She waits until the last minute for everything. She was supposed to pick out a dress in my preferred colors a week ago, and still hasn't done it. But you know what? I don't care. As long as she doesn't show up naked, I'll be happy. If her dress doesn't match my decor, no one will notice anyways.

One more thing. Are you sure her ex isn't just trying to make her look bad, by saying all that stuff to you?

How terrible Linda. I really do try to avoid drama as best I can. I've done an excellent job up until this friend has tried to drag me down into her problems. The entire year of planning I've had to listen to her about her fights with this guy. I've been so incredibly patient. Now that its crunch time, I expected a little more cooperation, only to receive nothing but grief. The struggle is real when you start paying money for these so-called friends to be in your wedding party. Its no joke and has nothing to do with being a glitter covered fairy bride or whatever the negative posters say about girls on here who complain or vent over their wedding party. I've made it so easy on them. I let them choose the cheaper dresses (the only thing they had to pay for) when I would have preferred the better one's, I let them choose their own shoes/jewelry. I paid for an expensive lunch and martinis when they picked out their dresses (which I honestly wasn't a fan of) - but like you, didn't care. All I care about is FH and me. And that awesome honeymoon. But don't say you want to do something and not follow through for a good friend. Awful. She couldn't plan anything because of this guy she is involved in. She admitted to me that he was on her case because they had too many events to go to since summer ended and he wanted her all to himself. So immature. I just can't be involved in it.

Yeah Linda, I totally considered that about her ex. But, knowing my friend and her behavior this past year, I wouldn't be surprised one bit. Its almost as if she was trying to hurt me by doing the stuff she did all year, making it so hard to plan. I never realized the impact a bridal party can have on wedding planning until now.

I agree with this post 100 percent! If you don't want a bridal party, do not let anyone talk you into having one. I originally wanted just two of my friends and my sister to walk, but then I let FH talked me into asking two of his sisters to walk. My my my!!! What a big mistake! They have not been cooperating at all. My other bridesmaids bought their dress already and FH's sisters still haven't purchased theirs. There's so much drama caused by them and I regret asking them to walk. It's your special day if they're not happy for you then kindly ask them to step down.

I'm exhausted just reading this thread. So sorry OP - this must be incredibly draining and difficult.

I'm pretty sure I remember your first post about this and I am sooooo sorry for all the negativity you experienced on here. That was the last thing you needed. **hugs** Hope this next couple of weeks moves quickly and smoothly for you and FH.

I 100% agree though...don't let anyone talk you into something for the wedding that you are not on board with.

Wow! Sorry you have to go through this. I chose not to have a BP to avoid drama and extra expense. A friend of mine tried to talk me into having a BP so "someone could plan my bachelorette and help with planning." Guess what, my friends and family helped with planning because they love me and one of my cousins planned and threw my bachelorette because she really wanted me to have one even though I didn't feel I needed one.

I agree - go with your gut!

I am sorry that you are having such difficulties with your friends after being talked into having a bridal party that you didn't want in the first place. You are certainly entitled to have some hurt feelings over that.

However. This post reads like you are complaining about the inconveniences you have to deal with because your MOH and friend of 25 years is in an abusive relationship.

@kahlcara please read additional responses referring to being in an abusive relationship and having 0 tolerance for it. My friend and I aren't young. We are both in our late 40's. She has no children with this boyfriend. She is a homeowner. I have no tolerance for a grown woman who can't get out of a bad relationship at our age. I am angry with her for subjecting her children to this abuse. It goes much deeper than my wedding. And yes, it has been very difficult in planning the wedding as well. I wouldn't say it was an "inconvenience" but I would tend to say it has been very difficult. Being in a very abusive relationship myself for 20 years, a relationship which this friend is very familiar with, who also didn't talk to me for some years because I stayed in the relationship, (I was also very, very young at the time) - I think I have been more than supportive of her this past year. Enough is enough. I told her if that is what she wants, I respect her decision, but I didn't want to hear her harp about his controlling behavior anymore. I listened all year. Now I have a wedding to conduct in 2 weeks. I need reliable friends and family if they want to stand by my side that day. Simple really. Edited to add that I saw signs of strange behavior between the two of them the very limited times we did get together this year. This past summer her boyfriend made it very clear to me in casual conversation that our wedding date fell on his kids hockey game, and it was an inconvenience for him. I didn't want to believe that they could be that way and dismissed it. She was a friend for so long.

Oh man, this sounds like quite a bummer of a situation! Praying for you to have peace in this whole situation, and that it will all work out for you! So sorry you're having to deal with this so close to your wedding(or, at all)

First, I'm sorry you had to deal with this on what is the most important event to celebrate our relationship.

I had a similar situation myself. NOT with the women in my BP, but 4 women I thought were my friends. I don't get it. These women saw me be emotionally tormented in my previous relationships and when DH and I got together, they seemed supportive. When DH and I purchased our home (it was a fixer-upper) they helped with the painting and gardening. When I found I out I was pregnant (for the first time) at 47, they cried with me and showered me with love and support. When DH and I decided to get married, they put the breaks on. They were invited to the small ceremony we had in our home and decided not to show up. They have been very combative and negative. I will still extend an invitation. If they come they come. If they don't they don't.

And if you're wondering, they're all married 10+ years in what seem successful.

@KitandKaboodle ... that is what struck me as odd with this friend, she saw me go through physical and psychological abuse for 20 years. She didn't talk to me throughout our 20's because she couldn't stand my boyfriend (and father of my 2 grown children). Now that she is in the same situation (which baffles me, she was never one to be controlled or talked down to by any man), she almost seems like she wants to create problems in my relationship and this wedding out of sheer misery. She totally messed up the bachelorette get together, so much so that our best man's girlfriend thought it was really sad that she pulled what she did on me. She was waiting and waiting to hear if she was going to be invited. MY FH even asked if she would be planning anything, if not he was going to tell his best man not to arrange a bach party for him, he didn't feel comfortable if I wasn't having one. She told FH yes she was planning one, and she never did. If that isn't trying to create problems ... although I'm sure it has something to do with the controlling boyfriend. Its just a mess. For the record, we are definitely on speaking terms. I'm just sad that she can't seem to make the break with this guy, sad that it caused so much drama, and grief while I was planning my wedding. I'm sad for a lot of things. But, after last week, I cleared the air, told her what I felt about the situation, about her being in the relationship, and about the wedding. I'm with you, if she comes she comes, if she doesn't she doesn't. If she wants to stay in an unhealthy relationship, that's her business, but I'm not going to let it get in the way of the wedding planning with 2 weeks left to go. I am elated otherwise. Can not wait.