moh / sister drama about parent's financial contribution

Parent contributions are always optional based on what they can afford at the time and feel comfortable spending. If that means one sibling gets a bigger or smaller ‘gift’ then you thank them graciously or return the money. Having a tantrum doesn’t solve anything.

It's really, really painful to be the sibling that always gets less (attention, money, love, support). Is your sister behaving immaturely? Probably. Did your dad handle this in the best way? Probably not. Is there anything you can do about this now? Not really.

I would try to give her some empathy in regards to feeling less than (even if you think it's her fault). Childhood stuff cuts deep and doesn't just go away without serious effort. Try to keep your relationship with her the same as it was before and don't let her pull you into fights or arguments about money or unequal treatment. Take your "win" graciously.

I personally believe that a parent that contributes to their children's weddings should do so equally but make adjustments as necessary to factor in their personal circumstances and the wedding itself.

For example, my FBIL and FSIL decided to elope, just the two of them, overseas. No one was invited, not even the parents (who were told 'we are eloping'). FH's parents contributed $5,000 to their wedding so they could enjoy a few extras (i.e. nicer hotel room etc). By comparison, FH's parents are contributing $12,500 to our wedding, BUT they are doing this because (a) they can afford to give more, (b) they are actually invited to this wedding, and (c) we are having a completely different wedding to what FH's brother had when he and FSIL eloped.

On the surface I can understand where your sister is coming from, however, she needs to look at your father's contribution to your wedding as more than just a $ figure - she needs to factor in all the background circumstances, and on that basis, she is definitely in the wrong here.

The only real mistake here was your dad needing to "get permission" from your sister about this. It's none of her business what he pays for your wedding just like it is none of your business what he paid for hers. Like, what did he think would happen in this situation? "Daughter 1, I'm giving your sister way more money because she agreed to everything I wanted and we have a better relationship, is that ok with you?" That was a really crappy thing for him to put on her.

Overall, there is nothing wrong with contributing different amounts (although I personally would not do that to my kids), but it's not something either of you should know about or be involved in further than how it affects your own wedding.

Agreed with this.

I'm going to offer a different perspective, because I was the "other" daughter.

My sister was my dad's favorite, always. It wasn't any secret. Chances are good your sister doesn't "probably" have good reason to feel this way - it was probably painfully obvious.

I don't think that any of the extra stuff you're trying to use to bend your way out of acknowledging it - you agreed to dad's conditions/requests, your wedding is bigger, your FH can't contribute as much as hers did - matters.

The issue for your sister isn't the wedding, it isn't the money, and it isn't about what's "fair", it's about feeling neglected by your dad and feeling like it's being rubbed in her face. You aren't helping by finding every way possible to rationalize the discrepancy. My sister did this, too. She was a tomboy, she was into sports, she was a musician, she liked the same things our dad did, so of course he wanted to spend more time with her. That doesn't change how it made me feel.

It's also super weird that your dad "needed to talk to her" about it. He should never have involved her in his finances, or the finances of your wedding. I don't understand the motive there. He should have quietly contributed whatever he was comfortable contributing to both of your weddings (equal or not), and never mentioned an amount to either of you. If he was ever asked by your sister, he should have simply said, "I contributed to both of your weddings in a manner I deemed fair" and left it at that. Any further speculation or upset from her would then have been her own responsibility. Now, he has made it both his and yours.

I think you know that your dad has been neglectful toward your sister in your favor, and you feel guilty. That's why you're here telling people only to give you positive feedback and giving every reason why this is totally fair, to convince everyone - including yourself - that it is.

The answer here is, something can be "fair" and still be unequal. If you had just gone to the courthouse to get married, should he have given you a check of an equal amount that he gave her? That is objectively fair, but it is still unequal. And that's what this is: objectively fair, but still unequal.

I will humor your description of her behavior (I won't give it excessive weight like other posters because your side of the story is the only one we're hearing) only to say that it's understandable, because again, she feels like this is yet another moment that shows you are the special one. Been there. I could also counter that you are being a little self-absorbed by being so dismissive of how she is feeling. Your wedding doesn't mean your feelings are more important. Your sister is obviously hurting and you should care about that, not about whether or not she is "right" to be hurt or whose feelings deserve "priority".

My advice, honestly, is to reach out to your sister. Leave your weddings out of it. This is your sister. Talk to her without making it about whether this is fair. She clearly perceives that it isn't, and it isn't your place - or the place of a bunch of strangers on the internet - to decide whether that perception is right.

You can't control the relationship between your dad and your sister, but you can treat your sister with love and understanding.

While I understand where your sister is coming from she's being unreasonable. Dad shouldn't have brought it up to her, but ultimately you guys have different visions. If she didn't talk to your dad and determine what he was comfortable budgeting for her wedding that's on her.

When my sister got married 5 years ago my mom and step-dad paid for probably 80% of her wedding even though my BIL was from a very well off family. My dad paid for her dress and that was it.

For my wedding my mom's circumstances have changed and I know she won't be able to contribute as much. My dad asked if he could contribute and I said absolutely, whatever you're comfortable with we'll make work. Sister has always been mom's favorite, but I don't hold the fact that my mom contributed more to her wedding than she will to mine against either one of them.

Things change and we have different tastes, just like you and your sister.

I think at this point you're better off just telling sister to let it go, her wedding is long since past and its your turn to get married. If she wanted more for her wedding she could've communicated to your dad and maybe done it differently but the chance for that has long since passed.