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Beginner September 2020

moh ruined my day. Help me get over it because i can't!

Nic, on April 27, 2021 at 6:12 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14

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Wondering if anyone else has been in this situation..
I got married yesterday! Third time lucky due to covid! Still recovering and exhausted as hell, but can’t stop thinking about what happened yesterday and need to vent/get some advice.
I’m a highly anxious person, the wedding planning made it worse, but things that also trigger it is noise and chaos. No idea why, but it makes me feel like I can’t breathe and I get stuck in my head, feel depersonalisation etc!
Anyway – so 3/4 of my bridesmaids were really careful of this. But the Maid of Honor was particularly painful. We were up at 5.30am for hair, and she straight away started cranking rock music, and yelling and running around. I asked her nicely if we could just have some day spa vibes happening, nice and calm while we wake up and move into a hectic day etc. She then sulked, agreed for like half an hour, then went back to being hyperactive and yelling. I’ve never seen this side of her before, and I’ve known her ten years. She had been difficult during the the planning, debating everything..but I was hopeful she'd be okay on the day.
So after 7 hours of this, I was so highly agitated and shakey and freaking out, the photographer literally had to keep saying to me “try to look happy!”.. and I was like “omg, I’m literally so happy inside, but I’m just having a really bad extended anxiety attack..” So I think my photos will look pretty crap because I was so not myself, and I feel bad for spending all that money and not getting good shots.
My dress had lots of intricacies with how to put it on and actually do it up. I asked one of my calm bridesmaids to help me get into it. Maid of Honor got annoyed as that was “her role”, pushed her way into the room and brought a photographer. (My worst nightmare being half naked in front of anyone, despite a photographer who would then own the licence to use the photos as he pleased.) Once we established, that no, I am definitely not doing photos of me half naked trying to shove my fat into a dress, she decided to try hurry me into the dress while the other bridesmaid was gently helping, and Maid of Honor nearly ripped it..which just caused me to further spiral.
So then we get into the limo to go to the ceremony, and she’s like bashed my bouquet and hers on probably every door and window there is. Like zero care. I tried to nicely say, I appreciate you holding mine, but could you just be careful with them until after the ceremony etc. So my flowers were pretty damaged by the time I got down the aisle.
Then she would say she wanted to hold my dress up, and would like, start singing and dancing with my veil while it’s in my hair, causing it to get caught on concrete. This woman is 40, but was acting like 12. Meanwhile, I’m still having an anxiety attack, begging for just a moment of calm and quiet at this stage. The other bridesmaids were like “why can’t she read the room??”.
I just don’t know what to do. I mean, I feel the day was tainted. Yes, I have anxiety so it’s my own issue..but I can’t help but feel I would have been so much happier if I wasn’t so pushed to my limits with her behaviour. I tried nicely to explain that I needed to be relaxed to keep my anxiety under control..and she just didn’t seem to understand. I just.. don’t want to talk to her again. I feel like I can’t get past this. Just felt that all day I was reaching out of a hole for help, and my hand was being stepped on.
Pleased to say, once I was in the safe arms of my husband, post all the bridal party photos. I was able to relax and enjoy the night.
Would you also walk away from this friendship? Or stick it out. I just feel like we were growing a part a tiny bit, but this has just kind of cemented it.. Not even trying to avoid the things that trigger me on my big day..
Part of me wants to apologise, but at the same time my day would have been so relaxed without her. You know when you see another side of someone and you're just like..who are you?
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice for how to handle it? Thanks so much.

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Latest activity by Nic, on May 1, 2021 at 6:55 PM

Expert March 2023
Catherine · on April 27, 2021 at 6:30 PM
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Oh wow. I am so so sorry you feel like your day was ruined by this. I have bad anxiety too, sometimes I can’t even listen to music in the car cause I just need quiet. If I kept asking my bridesmaids or maid of honor to calm down or chill out on my wedding day but she didn’t, I would have screamed at her to be honest. Walk away from that friendship. But first, stand up for yourself. It’ll be scary but you’ll feel so much better in the long run. Let this friend know that what she did was NOT okay and was not appreciated at all. then walk away for good.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 27, 2021 at 6:31 PM
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How long have you known your MOH?? This was just a random manic behavior she had the entire day? And you’ve never seen it before? And your other bridesmaids didn’t say anything to her or try to intervene? The photographer didn’t interfere at all? Things like this are exactly why the only thing I’m asking my wedding party to do is show up and walk down the aisle.... but then again I don’t really have anyone that is manic in my wedding party. You’re not wrong for being upset, but sometimes this is what happens when you’re around people all day long asking for their help. Everyone has idiosyncrasies and it’s very common that they will get on your nerves after being around them for so long. It’s unfortunate that it happened at your wedding
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Just Said Yes April 2022
Maria · on April 27, 2021 at 6:42 PM
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In my opinion it sounds like she shouldn’t have been acting the way she was even if you didn't have anxiety. I would say maybe talk to her about it and depending on how that goes/her excuse you can decide if you want to still be friends. At least you’ll have cleared the air and can try to move forward in the friendship or have a little closure if you decide to end it. So sorry you feel like you didn’t get to fully enjoy your day!
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Beginner September 2020
Nic · on April 27, 2021 at 6:45 PM
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I think she will feel she didn't do anything wrong. When I pulled her up about playing around and dancing with my veil she was like "I'm just trying to be happy! Ugh!".. My partners theory is that she just treated it like a night off from the kids..
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on April 27, 2021 at 6:50 PM
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I'm sorry your day was so stressful and counterproductive for your anxiety. That sounds very upsetting. It's definitely unfortunate that she wouldn't listen to you or to anyone else who tried to intervene. For your own sake, I would try to reframe it in your mind from, "she ruined my day," to something more like, "getting ready and arriving at my ceremony were stressful, but once I was with my husband, I was able to relax and enjoy myself."
Anyway, as for what do to now, you would be reasonable to move away from the friendship, but I would give yourself time to calm down and reflect. This all happened yesterday and it will be difficult to have any perspective. You don't need to decide to keep her as a friend today, tomorrow, or even a month from now. Best of luck with your decision and trust your gut.
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Beginner September 2020
Nic · on April 27, 2021 at 6:56 PM
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Thank you, that's a really great idea. Appreciate your advice!
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Expert September 2022
Allie · on April 28, 2021 at 8:56 AM
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Very well-said!! I'm so sorry that your MOH (of all people!!) didn't seem to have *your* best interests at heart on *your* wedding day. That is a shame!!! And super unacceptable behavior. She calls herself a friend but doesn't respect your wishes?? Yikes.
Also, it's not your fault you have anxiety, and you shouldn't feel any responsibility for your anxious thoughts and feelings (spurred by her actions) on your wedding day. You respectfully asked her to change the rock music to spa music...and to be careful with your flowers...and to be careful with your veil. Her actions would have caused distress to any bride.....not just ones with anxiety.
Maggie gave better advice than I was about to....she (wisely) encourages taking a few days or weeks to reflect and decide. On the other hand, I was going to suggest talking with her soon (within the week) to address it and give her a chance to apologize. Perhaps a good middle ground would be to give it until Friday, and then reach out to her. If it were me, I would want an apology from her, and I would want to re-frame my memory of the day (like a PP said above....and like you mentioned...getting ready sucked, but the ceremony and everything after that was blissful!). And then I would (personally) take a break from that friendship, at least for the short term. Perhaps the MOH will realize how much she hurt you, and perhaps she'll try to make it up to you and prove to you that she deserves your friendship. Until then, from the story you described, I'm not sure y'all's friendship is totally even in terms of respect.
Additionally, I think it might also be a good idea to chat with a therapist about this experience and some helpful techniques for re-framing it, if re-framing an event doesn't come naturally to you. I just say this not only because I'm a huge proponent of therapy in general...but also because weddings are really important life events, and I (as a fellow WW bride) want you to have the best possible chance of looking back on your wedding day with positive, wonderful, blissful memories, and the least possible chance of those wonderful memories being clouded by feelings of betrayal and disrespect.
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VIP November 2021
Allie · on April 28, 2021 at 3:13 PM
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I'm so sorry she acted this way and put any kind of damper on your day! I think it's really strange that you've known her for 10 years and have never seen her act this way...so in my mind, I'm thinking maybe something was going on with her that day as well. Not that it excuses anything, but just trying to see it from another side. I like the idea of re-framing the day in your mind to the getting ready wasn't the greatest, but the rest of the day was great. I would also try to talk to her about what happened on that day and see what she has to say. Give her a chance to recognize that the way she acted was unacceptable and really upset you and apologize. If she reacts in any other way, I would absolutely walk away from the friendship or at least put some distance there.
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VIP August 2021
Michelle · on April 28, 2021 at 3:28 PM
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I personally wonder if she was on drugs. You should ask her. If she says no, than add her erratic behavior was concerning, not appreciated, and affected your anxiety. Even more, the fact that she would not listen to you when you needed her support was particularly disappointing. I second all the patient posters above. Best of luck.
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Just Said Yes May 2021
Juliet · on April 28, 2021 at 4:12 PM
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I am so sorry you experienced that drama on your special day, especially when it was your MOH who has been your friend for so long.
Mine is happening May 15th and I wish I could say that I am not nervous, but I am. First of all, I have a jealous ex who has been working overtime to cause chaos in my relationship through our kids and mutual friends. My Husband to be has a Military background, 2 of the groomsmen are in law enforcement, one is a firefighter and the rest all have military backgrounds. My point is this... My baby had to talk with his groomsmen and they are prepared to lift out any person that tries to cause chaos on our day. Initially I was like, please no drama, but after I notice some kind of pattern in one bridesmaid and her hubby who has connection with my ex, I totally agree.
It is too late to remove a bridesmaid or un-invite a guest, so I will be feeling safe in the company of some good men on my day.
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Beginner September 2020
Nic · on April 28, 2021 at 5:38 PM
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She's a bit too straight for drugs. Hubby reckons she treated it like a night off from the kids.. she's just childish. I see that completely now!
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Beginner September 2020
Nic · on April 28, 2021 at 5:40 PM
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Oh no.. feeling for you! If you feel overwhelmed, do what I should have. Lock yourself in one of the rooms for like 10 mins just to recoup and refocus on what the day means. Away from your bridal party. I wish I had of done that while getting ready!
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Devoted July 2023
Scandalousrandallous · on April 28, 2021 at 9:26 PM
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If there was 0 signs of this behavior before this day in 10yrs then I have to agree with the possibility of drug use and/or the skipping of prescribed psychiatric medicine.
Regardless of how you want to handle that potential mess, Iʻm 1000% with the above comment about reframing it in your mind.
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Beginner September 2020
Nic · on May 1, 2021 at 6:55 PM
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Guys, my worst fears are confirmed. Just got some photos that we paid stupid amounts..and my face is like the emoji with the weird grin. 😬😬😬 Anxiety def at the forefront. So mad at myself and also the situation that made me feel like that.
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moh ruined my day. Help me get over it because i can't!

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