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Dedicated October 2020

moh issues

VICTORIA, on August 16, 2020 at 8:01 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 23
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Hi guys! This is a really long-ish story, I'm sorry. But I could really use some advice or suggestions. I'm considering demoting my MOH and asking another BM to step up.


I asked one of my good friends ("A") to be my MOH. The main reason for this was proximity- my best friend since elementary school ("B") lives 3 hours away and I anticipated it would be difficult for her. I have 4 girls in my bridal party- these two and then FHs sister and my underage niece. So these two were the top choices.


Anyway- A accepted. When I saw A next, the very first thing she said to me (remember she ALREADY accepted) was "don't cost me a lot of money". Which really hit me hard because I'm not that type of bride, at all, but it still made me feel like absolutely garbage. This was almost a year ago and I still can't let it go, I really just felt that was utterly disgusting of her to say. Especially after she already accepted. If anything, she could have found a more tactful way of saying this. Oh, and she didn't say it just once- she's said it several times over the last year.


We had to cancel our bridesmaid dress shopping due to COVID, but I just let the girls know that they could pick their own dressed (which was always the plan) based on their individual budgets and style preferences. I only had 3 requirements: color, length, fabric. A bought her dress immediately- BUT BOUGHT THE WRONG SIZE so it doesn't even fit her! She then said "Oh, I'll just buy another dress for the reception- something more comfortable" uhm...no? That's not a thing for the bridal party to do! She also got VERY angry with me because I refused to buy a second dress for the reception- rather than wear my actual wedding dress the entire time. Very weird.


She has asked me multiple times what I wanted for my Bridal Shower and Bach. I have told her, very clearly, what I felt was fine. B suggested we do a weekend getaway for my Bach- which would be awesome, but entirely unnecessary. A came to be and said "why does B think I'm made of money? Is that really what you want?". Wow, sure, after what you said to me right after accepting and then that statement, what makes you think I would be honest even if that WAS what I wanted? BTW- B only suggested this because A hadn't even touched base with anyone else about planning! I also suggested doing a backyard BBQ for my wedding shower, very chill and simple (remember, I can't cost her a lot of money) and her response: "well, I don't like BBQ"...uhm, okay? I was UNAWARE that my wedding shower was centered around what my MOH liked and wanted. I then suggested that we rent out a clubhouse and just grill outside and go swimming (was to be late this Summer)- her response was "okay, why don't you secure the clubhouse and I'll get everything else". The clubhouse was $150 and would be the bulk of the cost- so basically she wanted me to pay for the bulk and she'd take the credit for "hosting" the event. Uhm, no thanks. I even offered to hold something small in my own home!!! But, she never got a move on things.


A also never reaches out to me. In 2 months I've heard from her exactly 3 times. 2 of them I reached out to her regarding a wedding matter, and she changed the subject almost immediately. And the latest, she reached out to me, about something non-wedding related (which is fine). She has also scheduled dinners for us to discuss wedding stuff, and then flaked or gone radio silent- then the dinners never happen.


And the icing on the cake is that I can no longer even HAVE a wedding shower because nothing was planned and now it's too late! FH and I are getting civilly married at the end of October- we should be having our wedding shower around this time. But, thanks to my MOH just sitting around, complaining, and not stepping up- I don't get to participate in this parties and celebrate with those closest to me.


Because of this, I actually reached out to B to see if she would be comfortable just having a weekend away as old friends and calling that my Bach. She was COMPLETELY on board, so that's what I'll be doing for my Bach. It's not really what I want, but it's either that or I know I'll get nothing just like with the wedding shower.


I'm honestly ready to ask her to step down and be a BM. And ask B to step up to be MOH. But, at this point, I'm perfectly fine not even having a MOH. I feel like, as brides, we can sometimes take things a little too personally and get more upset than we should. I've really tried to be chill throughout the entire process- but I'm genuinely really upset that I won't be having a wedding shower now Smiley sad



23 Comments

Latest activity by Margaret, on August 17, 2020 at 3:54 PM
  • Jessica
    Master September 2020
    Jessica ·
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    I’m sorry you’re so upset, and I totally get it, but plenty of brides don’t get showers or bachelorette parties. Wedding planning hasn’t gone the way I anticipated either, my co-MOHs have both been pretty distant- each giving me the excuse that they assumed the other was planning everything with me. I totally get that you’re hurt, I went through that too. Plan something fun with friend B, don’t demote friend A unless you really want this to be the end of your friendship, feel as sad as you need to about things not going how you thought they would, and then refocus on the good- you’re getting married. The extra parties are really just extra and your MOH isn’t the only one who can plan or host them so you can’t pin that all on her.
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  • Elizabeth
    Master December 2016
    Elizabeth ·
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    So there's no such thing as demoting your MOH because being MOH isn't a job. The MOH also doesn't have to throw you shower, though it would have been nice if she had. You should have gone with the person you're closest to, but the person who lives closer. That's really not the point of the MOH. She's literally only there to support you on the day of your wedding. That's it. So I think you made the wrong decision from the start for that reason. You can ask your MOH to not be your MOH anymore, but that is a friendship-ender and you're the one who will come off looking badly, unfortunately.

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  • V
    Dedicated October 2020
    VICTORIA ·
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    Yeah, I know plenty of brides don't get them. But A specifically stated, and told everyone, that she would be planning these for me. And told everyone else not to worry about it or plan something because she had it handled. And then proceeded to not plan anything.

    That's what bothers me the most. Because I know someone else would have likely stepped up, but because she specifically told everyone she would handle it (once B started making suggestions), no one did.

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  • V
    Dedicated October 2020
    VICTORIA ·
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    I did leave out the important note that A specifically stated she would be throwing these parties. She specifically asked me what I wanted so she could plan it. When B started asking questions and seeking to help plan, she told her not to worry about it because she had it covered.

    So the excuse of "well, she doesn't have to do this", doesn't really fly. Yes, she doesn't have to throw the party. But SHE said she would, SHE told everyone else to not worry about it because she'd handle it, SHE led everyone to believe that they didn't need to host one (B would have, as would my mom).

    No one else stepped up to do it because she said she was covering it. It wasn't an assumption anyone made- she literally said she would be planning it and then she didn't.

    So, while I do understand your point of what she "has" to do- it's also incredibly inconsiderate and rude for her to cut everyone else off for hosting these parties by, very specifically, saying she would and then not doing it. No one expected anything from her that she did not say she would do.

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  • Jessica
    Master September 2020
    Jessica ·
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    I understand, my MOHs discussed plans for both a shower and bachelorette for the first like 8 months of our 19 month engagement, but nothing ever got planned, then Covid. It sucks. Friend B could still plan a bigger bachelorette for you if she wants to and you are still wanting that. I really do understand, but the more you hold on to feeling hurt, the more you’re letting it ruin this happy time for you.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Okay here are my thoughts. A fell through on her promises and that sucks. I get it. I am sorry that she has been difficult with some of the suggestions that you or B have made. I get it that she has not been the most ideal maid of honor. As a previous person said, you asked her to be your MOH and now she has that job. I will ask has she always been reliable or has she been known to not keep promises?

    However, the main fact is that every bridal party will be different. As a bridesmaid I was one to get the party planning started with the other ladies and some ladies are not like that. However, your wedding is one day and your friendships are forever. You have every right to be annoyed and I would too but at the end of the day are you willing to ruin a friendship by demoting her? As a pp stated it is not her job. I agree it sucks she promised it but if you remove her from the position she will be upset and probably not attend your ceremony. I can tell you there are times as a bridesmaid we did more planning and organizing than the maid of honor. For some people pre wedding events are not as important to them as the bride. I love my MOH but I have to check in with her in regards to my bridal brunch where for me I had her bachelorette planned well in advance with other bridesmaids. However, I chose her because she is my ride or die, not what she can do for me and if there was anyone I want to be there by my side it is her.

    I say make plans with B as you said and then your MOH cannot be mad other plans were made. If she says something then maybe you two can talk about how to handled the process but I feel it will cause a lot of drama.

    At the end of the day you have ask her to step down but you will most likely lose a friend and I would not ask B to step up as she will know she was second choice and that is not fair to her either.

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  • V
    Dedicated October 2020
    VICTORIA ·
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    Ugh. You're SO right. It really is ruining this for me.

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  • V
    Dedicated October 2020
    VICTORIA ·
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    She has always been reliable, which is why this is so weird. I really don't understand. I have been wondering if part of it is because she is jealous (for lack of a better term) that she isn't engaged yet but wants to be.

    My other BMs have tried to get the planning started. Every single time they tried, they were told it was "handled" and to "not worry". But then nothing was planned. It's almost like A is literally trying to sabotage these events for me. She actually brought up planning these events for me- I never mentioned them. It was one of the very first things she wanted to talk about a year ago, so I don't believe that they aren't "important to her"...I am beginning to think she is purposefully choosing to not plan them, after ensuring that no one else will because she tells them she has it covered.

    I've even tried reaching out to her about wedding stuff- things on my end and hers, and she always changes the subject. Literally, last month, I messaged her about wedding stuff and she changed the subject to tell me she took in a stray cat -_-

    I already spoke with B about stepping up. Both B and FHs sister have stated they'd be happy to take over as MOH. B. knew the only reason she wasn't asked was because she was so far away and I didn't want to stress her out and she completely understood.

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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    I agree with this and other pps. It's a bummer A said specifically that she'd do things and then dropped the ball, but I agree that if B wants to plan whatever bachelorette activity she can, then go for it! Also, if it was an option for your mom to host a shower, she could still do so now. I hosted my daughter's and did the whole thing in about 5 weeks in order to accommodate the travel schedule of one of the MOHs who was going to be able to fly in from out-of-state IF we could hold the shower on a particular date (so we did)! Especially if you'll be happy with whatever others can pull off in the time available and they've always been willing to do something, I'd give them the go ahead. If you get pushback from A, oh well -- she had plenty of opportunity. Without knowing her, I'd wonder what happened. Is she always flaky and it was just a bad choice to count on her? Or, is there something going on with her? It sounds like she had financial concerns to begin with and perhaps those got worse -- given the pandemic or something else. I know people who are not themselves right now -- stress, worry, finances, etc. are all taking a toll on people who are normally running the world. Maybe try to have a conversation with her about how she's doing and what's going on with her. Personally, unless you want to end the friendship, I'd never "demote" someone, because like someone else said, it's not a job -- it's an honoring of your friendship. Good luck! Smiley heart

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  • V
    Dedicated October 2020
    VICTORIA ·
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    Thank you! My mom is out of state- but she is considering throwing a virtual type wedding shower. It's just a bummer because it's not what we wanted, but eh at least it's something.

    A is usually very reliable and I figured she would be a great choice. She actually just got a promotion at work and makes good money. She just recently decided to move into a more expensive apartment- which is entirely her choice and I think it's awesome- but this came almost an entire year after her saying I couldn't "cost her too much money". I want to be clear that she does not have financial concerns- she is actively planning a vacation overseas for when COVID cools down and has gone on several weekend excursions during COVID (she's working from home). She is flat out just being a terrible friend, I don't understand why and it's really disappointing.

    I also failed to mention that she is also the MOH in a wedding the weekend before mine. And chose to shove that in my face EVERY chance she could. She is also doing way more for the other bride than she is for me. She did not inform me of her other MOH duties until weeks later- or I would have understood that being too much. She took all of this on and then dropped the ball for me and my wedding. A small thing, but I feel really just adds to this, is that she offered to buy my wedding shoes- she stated she did the same for the other bride- but when it came time to buy my shoes, she didn't follow through. Obviously that's okay and I didn't care. But it just goes to show how she says she'll do these things, does them for the other bride, and then doesn't for me. If it was too much for her, it would be her responsibility to respectfully decline my request for her to be my MOH- she didn't and then continues to not uphold her end.

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  • Elizabeth
    Master December 2016
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag

    With regard to A changing the subject on you, I don't see this as a problem. We tell brides all the time no one is as excited about your wedding as you are and a sure fire way to damage friendships is to only talk about the wedding. If A is telling y ou she took in a stray cat, then that's clearly important to her. Talk to her about that, not just the wedding.

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  • Jodie
    Expert August 2020
    Jodie ·
    • Flag
    My shower was 4 weeks before our wedding. If someone is still offering to throw you a shower, it's possible.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Okay then I think the best thing to do is to talk to your MOH about the situation. It sounds to me if I understand correctly that you are basically that you are ready to make B a MOH. If you are ready to ask your friend to step down you have that right. Sadly, if she is trying to sabotage then yeah that is a friend you do not need but she is not going to admit that.
    Again, it is all about if you are okay with that friendship ending. I will say I do not think this is something you will get over and if how she acted really will be something that will make you question her friendship then do what you need to do.

    At the end of the day you need to feel comfortable with what you decide and the aftermath. I will say I would just remove her from the bridal party because I cannot imagine her being demoted and then being happy just being a bridesmaid.

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  • V
    Dedicated October 2020
    VICTORIA ·
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    Oh, I did. But we were mid wedding discussion and she changed the topic and we never got back to finish our wedding discussion. That's a problem. In general, normal adulting, you don't interrupt a conversation with something off-topic and then not return to the finish the original conversation. No matter where you are, who you're with, or what you're doing- that is considered immensely rude.

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  • V
    Dedicated October 2020
    VICTORIA ·
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    My mom is going to try to throw a "virtual" wedding shower. Otherwise, I'll just go without. It isn't so much about the party- although I'm very upset about it- it's more about how my friend behaved. Had she not told everyone she would handle it, and then not, this post wouldn't be happening. But that's how to chose to handle it, put on a show and then not follow through, and it's not sitting well with me.

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  • V
    Dedicated October 2020
    VICTORIA ·
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    Thank you. There is a lot more nuances to the story than I could even begin to explain. Ever since I asked her to be my MOH it's like our entire friendship changed- she actually became distant after she accepted. Even my FH has said she is making our wedding all about her. She tried inviting her own family, that I'm NOT close with, knowing I couldn't even invite my own cousins because I needed to keep it at a certain price point- how freaking weird is that?! FH is a very low key guy who very rarely gets upset over anything and even he is getting annoyed and frustrated- he doesn't even have to deal with her!

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  • Jodie
    Expert August 2020
    Jodie ·
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    Understandable... however, just keep in mind "demoting" someone is often friendship ending.
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  • V
    Dedicated October 2020
    VICTORIA ·
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    I know Smiley sad And she is 100% the type of person who would take it that far. It's a hard decision, but at this point, I'm beginning to feel that we maybe had completely different outlooks/ideas of what our friendship has been.

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  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag

    I think you need to both have a chat to your MOH and explain that some of her comments have been hurtful and that you wish she was more supportive of the role (i.e. not commenting about how tedious it all is) but I think just the same you need to ground yourself with what you think she does and doesn’t have to do and otherwise re-evaluate your expectations.

    If you do ask her to step down, be prepared that it is a friendship ending move.

    I note as well that you said she is someone else’s MOH and that she has been acting strangely lately. Is she going through some hard times right now? If she was so excited originally and started all the conversations about the parties and what not, while I still stand that she does not have to throw you these parties, I suspect perhaps something has come up in her personal life or otherwise which has thrown her off course.

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  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
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    I think you summed it up pretty well here, " It was one of the very first things she wanted to talk about a year ago," She brought it up a year ago. Wow, have things changed from a year ago. Life before Covid. I get you're upset and you feel let down by her, but COVID happened and it has crazy every since.

    Yes, it sucks that she brought money into the conversation from the start, but you know what, as soon as she made that comment, you could've asked her or said to her are you sure this is a position you want? I don't want you to feel overly financially obligated if you can't handle it. You could've given her an out right away, after all, you were offended from the get-go.

    As many have noted, if you ask her to step down, it is likely going to be a friendship killer and if that's something you're willing to sacrifice then that decision is totally up to you. Additionally as pp have said, I would not ask "B" to step up because she will know that she's 2nd choice and that could cause greater hard feelings than just not having a MOH.

    At the end of the day, the choice is yours but know you could be losing 1 or 2 friends because of the choices you make.

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