moh expects me to pay for dress and shoes that she picked out

....... cancel her. She’s no friend with comments like that. If I were you I’d lose her number and make no further mention to her about the wedding. Its really not even about the dress... those comments are hurtful and wrong. She sounds like she doesn’t really want to be in the wedding to be honest.

I am very sorry...I do not think you are being unreasonable at all!!

Your friend sounds like the worst. I’m terrible about acting on impulse so I’m not sure that you should take my advice — but I would just tell her that the dress and shoes won’t be necessary.


Good luck! I hate you’re having to deal with this kind of thing so close to your big day!

Treat her like an adult : if she shows up with the dress, or a new dress that fits your guidelines, she is in. If she doesn't, she is out. The time to have made alternate plans is long past. No one needs to go to a bachelorette.

I agree with others, get rid of her she doesn't at all sound like the kind of friend you want or bridesmaid you want standing next to you. She thinks she is going to get the most expensive stuff knowing she can't pay and then try to pressure you into paying. Nah that's something you don't need. I'd cut her out your life. If I was you I'd tell her no you aren't paying for her dress and if she can't pay for it she will just have to come as a guest.

I've never heard of any "custom", in Hawaii or anywhere else, where the bride and groom are expected to pay for the bridal party's attire. My bridesmaids all bought their own dresses and have all unanimously said they'll be responsible for their own shoes and hair. I agree with your fiance that what your MOH is trying to pull is shady and low. If she can't pay for her dress, why then did she pick out one that costs nearly five times more than the other bridesmaids' dresses, and shoes that cost twice what those dresses did?!?!!? Something isn't adding up. You need to have a heart-to-heart discussion with her where you say you've never heard of any such tradition, nor has anyone else, and that if she really wants to remain in your wedding, then she'll either have to pay for that dress herself or find a less expensive one. Also, that comment about your previous marriage was an unnecessary low blow. She sounds very petty and difficult. I agree with the others who say that if she isn't willing to cooperate as a bridesmaid, then she can come as a guest. Then you can promote a more loyal bridesmaid to MOH.

Never heard that it's custom brides in Hawaii pay for everyone's attire...I get that she may be having money trouble with her grandmother's situation, but she also doesn't have to attend the bachelorette party (which you just stated hasn't even officially been planned yet), and by doing that she should have plenty to pay for the dress she wants. If she wants to go on the trip, she can go and still have money to get a cheaper dress lol which sounds like she doesn't want.

The comment about your previous marriage was uncalled for and unnecessary. And her demanding that you pay for her attire is ridiculous lol. Especially when she's not being cooperative whatsoever when you show her more affordable dresses and she refuses to try them on. To me it sounds like bs and she's just trying to get a free dress from you. I'd sit her down and express to her how she's making you feel. Your feelings are valid, and she needs to know that what she's said and what she's doing is WAY out of line. If she refuses to understand where you're coming from, and wants the expensive dress, then politely tell her that you won't be paying that much for HER dress, and that if she still won't cooperate with you or pay for the dress herself, then she can attend your wedding as a guest.

First of all, she is feeding you lies. A couple has 1 reception. The bridesmaid pays for her own dress, shoes, accessories, etc everywhere in the US unless the bride has dictated a specific look. Only then is the bride expected to cover costs. Outside of the US, the bride covers all bridesmaid expenses. Hawaii is still in the US.

The bride never plans a bachelorette party. If she has one, her attendants and closest friends get together to plan it right before the wedding (the night before in most cases following the rehearsal dinner) and let her know.

Stand your ground. You are not under obligation to pay for her clothing. If she continues to fight you, she can be a guest or stay home.

I almost never advise brides to kick girls out of their wedding (especially after being kicked out of one myself)...but you should kick this girl out. She is so out of line and detached from reality on so many levels.


Oh and don't pay for her dress or shoes

Oh goodness, she seems like a handful :/ I'm so sorry you are going through this.. I have NEVER heard that a bride HAS to pay for her bridesmaids attire. I've been to one wedding so far where the bride WANTED to pay for her girl's dresses.
For her to be demanding this seems outrageous. I feel like she could be jealous for all the attention and adoration you are getting leading up to your wedding day. Is she usually the type that wants attention??

Just let her know that if she can't afford the cost of being MOH, you're sorry to hear that and hope she can still make it to the wedding. Don't cave in to someone being a brat (and I'm usually an advocate of helping someone out in the BP if they are having money troubles)

UPDATE!!!!

So I gave her some time and today I asked her what her thoughts were. She stated that she bought a cheap dress but still thinks the bride/groom should pay for the dress. She's also now unable to attend anything but the wedding (cant do wedding hair/makeup trial, bachelorette party, breakfast for bridesmaids hosted by my mom, and wedding rehearsal) and kept going on about how much money she'd have to spend on dress/shoes/bachelorette party/gift. I constantly reminded her that I"ve covered hair/make up and I dont expect a bachelorette party nor am I asking for one and I also don't need a gift. Also stated that one of the other bridesmaids planned a bachelorette party on her own and booked a hotel for us so everything is covered. Just tried to remind her that I really just wanted her up there to support me as my best friend on my wedding day. She then proceeds to tell me that even though my other bridesmaids said it's not a custom for bride/groom to pay for the dress, it still is regular in Hawaii. She then sends me 7 screenshots of this facebook post she made asking who pays for what. She then points out how everyone who said the bridesmaid should pay for her own dress is from the mainland and all the Hawaii people agreed with her. When i stated I didn't even know this and I"m from hawaii, she replied it's cause my family is Chinese. (She is too actually)

Anyways, I kept trying to ask her whether she actually wanted to be in my wedding and how it felt like she was only focused on the money and not excited about my actual wedding. She kept running me around in circles and wouldn't give me a straight answer and kept bringing up about how she can't attend certain things and her gift is going to be crappy. I got sick of not getting an answer (this conversation had already gone on over an hour by text) that I finally just asked if she'd be able to attend if she wasn't in the wedding party. She said she'd come so I told her I'd put her down as a guest.

But.... we're not done, 30 mins later she then asks me if she can have a plus one. I had to remind her that it's a small wedding and it's just immediate family. So sorry, no you can't. In my head I'm just shocked that she would ask for a plus one after making a big deal about not being able to commit and making a fuss about money. But that might just be me. Okay, I"m done ranting. Thanks for listening!

View Quoted Comment So she was fine being demoted from the wedding party? Something is odd about this girl. I never heard of this rule that the bride pays for the dress. Even if that's a rule with her circle that doesn't mean it's a rule for your wedding that she gets to demand. She sounds a little off

View Quoted Comment I guess, she refused to even tell me that she wanted to be in the wedding. She never really answered any of my questions. I finally was thinking that if you can't even tell me that then bow out. She already said she's going to cancel the dress but now she wants to bring a date. Told her no, I literally only have immediate family there and there's less than 30 people total. She isn't married, doesn't have a bf or kids so I don't even know who she's wanting to bring. Still shocked she asked after she complained so much about time and money.

There are different customs in different groups on things like paying for the dress. But these things should all be covered on the day you asked her. Did you run through these things with her, and each of the ladies? All parties are always optional. But the first responsibility of all is clothes for the ceremony, before a cent for a bach. Other ladies' prices are so low, that if she cannot manage those, she should attend as a guest. ( The one thing she has not done wrong: there is nothing wrong with you having been married before. And there is nothing wrong with her mentioning a previous marriage. You may be super-sensitive, but it has not dropped out of your history. Never hold grievances over someone mentioning it.) If she needs what funds she has to help her grandmother, and won't compromise on dress cost, she needs to call it quits.

View Quoted Comment Unfortunately no I did not go over the costs when I asked them, as I had no clue. That was a fault on my part. While I have been married before I didn't do it traditionally like I tried to this time. Previously the bridesmaids bought the dress and bought nothing else. I did bridal gifts but there was no Bachelorette party, bridal shower and none of them gave me gifts. So it was a learning process for me this time around and I went off of information from my other 2 bridesmaids who have both been in weddings and one was a wedding coordinator. I should have researched more before asking them but was caught up in the excitement of getting engaged and wanting to ask my close friends to be apart of it. Now I know, but it's too late.


As for my past marriage I'm not super sensitive, it's in my past, I'm not ashamed of it and it's not something I hide. It's made me the person I am today. I wasn't upset that she brought it up, I was upset that she tried to use my past to further her argument of why I need to pay for her dress. She told me I should know that I pay for her dress because I've been married before. She also falsely increased the number of times I've been married before. You can mention my past all you want, but don't try to use my past against me. That's what I took offense from.
I also agree that if she needs the funds for her grandmother then her family comes first. I explained that I wouldn't be upset if she needed to step down and I would understand. But I also needed an answer. It's not something she should wait to decide until the last minute.