We're here to help you keep moving forward, no matter what your plans are.

Jasmine
Dedicated July 2021

moh Dilemma

Jasmine, on March 7, 2020 at 5:10 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 22
Saved Save
Reply
So yesterday my sister who is in college told me that she feels bad that I’ve chosen her as maid of honor because we’re not in the same city and she’s not readily available for me. She basically expressed that she wants me to have the experience of having my MOH in close proximity and basically relinquished her title to an extent. She said she would still love to be it, but she just felt like I wasn’t going to get the best support from her. I did have some reservations about having her as my MOH because she is still in college and she’s way younger than me. I asked her how she felt about sharing the title with another one of my bridesmaids (I have 7 + 1 jr bridesmaid). She said she was fine with it, but I’m not sure how the other girl who I would choose would feel about sharing the title. I haven’t asked any of my girls to be in the wedding yet, so it’s not like my friend would know that she wasn’t my first choice as MOH, but I just need help!

22 Comments

Latest activity by Krys, on March 13, 2020 at 3:13 PM
  • Fleur
    October 2020
    Fleur ·
    • Flag
    Cheers to your sister for being honest and awesome. It’s totally your call now. If it were me I would still keep my sister as MOH bc she’s my sister end of story lol. But do what works for you! One of my bridesmaids (not MOH) has taken the big lead on planning things, such as bachelorette etc. She is one of my best friends in the world and that is just what she does. I feel like if you’re chill and inclusive with the group things get done regardless of title. Good luck!
    • Reply
  • Tricia
    Savvy October 2021
    Tricia ·
    • Flag
    I have two co maid of honors. I chose to have both of them for many reasons. One being that she is my oldest friend. We have been friends since we were three. The second being that she is my newest best friend. We have only been friends for the past four years, but we have always been best friends since then.
    Now i did have some reserves about choosing both of them, because my oldest friend is in nursing school and it is so hard for her to get off because if she misses three days then they will kick her out of the program. My newest friend is going to be aesthetician and if she misses three days of school then she gets kicked out.
    This means that they will or have missed out on some things, like getting my dress...bridal shower...Bach party etc. but luckily i have a bridal party that understands which might be the same in your case. I love every single one of them, but i wanted to honor those two for being two of my closest friends, now they might not be able to do all that a moh is supposed to do, but my other bridesmaids that have stepped up and taken on the responsibilities and have helped me out so much. This might just be a possibility for you too since your sister is in this position and can’t always be there.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    Just day you will have two maid and of the other doesn't like it then she doesn't have to abrupt. It's common these days.
    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag

    It's completely fine to have two maids of honor, but I wouldn't ask a second person just because they live closer to you and you think they'll be more available to help you. Your maid(s) of honor should be your nearest and dearest, what they can do for you shouldn't matter.

    • Reply
  • Allie
    Expert November 2021
    Allie ·
    • Flag
    I have three MOHs because I have 3 best friends who have been there for me in different phases of my life and still are to this day. I explained to all of them that they’re all equally important to me and I couldn’t make that choice, and they all seemed fine with it. Nobody’s dropped out yet at least. If they do, they do. It’s a title in a wedding that’ll end as soon as your wedding does. It’s supposed to be about what YOU want for your day. So if you want two, have them both! It was really sweet of your sister to be upfront and honest with you. I know how hard that is, because I had to turn down the role of maid of honor in one of my best friend’s wedding because my other best friend was getting married and asked me first and it was too much money and time for me to do both (my second best friend had a VERY short engagement and gave me almost no time to budget for it). It’ll all work out!
    • Reply
  • Tiffany
    Expert March 2020
    Tiffany ·
    • Flag
    I have 2 moh, both are my younger sisters. One is here with me and the other is away at college. 3 of my bm are out of state at college. I've really only been able to have 1 bm and my one sister help me with wedding things. I'm okay with that, I know everyone else is busy. Honestly I feel as though I could've made any/all of my bm a moh. I'm close to all of them. You don't necessarily have to get another/different moh if you don't want to, just because your sister isn't close. My 1 bm that lives close, she's honestly taken on a lot, she probably would've been a better choice for moh, she's planning the bachelorette and she's helped with wedding diy projects.
    • Reply
  • Jasmine
    Dedicated July 2021
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you for your input! I guess I was just nervous about how my friend would feel “sharing” the title.
    • Reply
  • Jasmine
    Dedicated July 2021
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Those are some valid points you made. Thank you for the input!
    • Reply
  • Jasmine
    Dedicated July 2021
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Yeah that’s true! I was just worried about my friend maybe feeling some type of way about sharing the title, but my sister is up for it. Thanks for the input!
    • Reply
  • Jasmine
    Dedicated July 2021
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I’m really very proud of my sister for speaking up. There’s a 7 year age difference between us and I know having that conversation was tough for her, but she handled it very well. She said she’s open to sharing the title and they both mean so much to me so I’m most likely going to have two. Thank you for the input!
    • Reply
  • Jasmine
    Dedicated July 2021
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I told her that she didn’t have to completely give up the title and that she could share it with another one of my friends. She was totally up for it, so I’ll most likely have both of them have the title. Thanks for the input!
    • Reply
  • Sinaya
    Devoted August 2022
    Sinaya ·
    • Flag
    There’s nothing wrong with having 2 MOHs. I say hi for it. Like you said, the other girl will never know she wasn’t first choice because you haven’t asked anyone else yet. I’m sure she’ll be fine with it. And don’t phrase it as sharing the title. You simply have 2 people in that role.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    MOH title is not given to people for what they can do for you. It is an honorary title given to people you have known longest, or are closest to. Because MOH are close long term friends and family, they are more likely to volunteer to do extra things to help you out, or help with or give a shower or other party. But if they can only be there for sure on wedding day, they stay close and hold bouquets or help bustle a gown then. But never should be "demoted " to Bridesmaid. Because unless they volunteer to do more, MOH have the same things to do as BM. So sister is not dropping out from knowing you and loving you, and should retain the title. But there are commonly more than one MOH. Two equally close long term friends, or one family and one friend. So have two. If your sister really wants to help, and has decent handwriting, hand addressing invitations, always the nicest thing, can be done anywhere, with just the guest list. Or, if people have moved, young people have left home, or people have SO you are inviting, your sister is a good choice to call or email relatives and friends to ask current names, preferred titles, now correct mailing address . People who marry keep their own names, or not, and may use titles that come with a degree you don't know about, especially SO always called by a first name. And later, working from the now excellent list, shower invitations, thank you notes, and place cards and seating charts will need the info. And envelopes and cards be addressed. Or at school, she likely has access to a printer for her computer. Things like this may make her feel she is supporting you, and though never required of a BM or MOH, it is enormously helpful. So maybe reassure her she is still a worthy MOH. And choose a second MOH to represent your closest friends. Websites and magazines and tv play up the drama of weddings, and put MOH as having duties, and being boss of BM. That is the opposite of standard etiquette. Your MOH and BM are only answerable to you. MOH is not the boss, and does not have to coordinate things. Many misunderstandings at wedding time come from this mistake. So tell sis she is still a valuable MOH. ... Also, showers are often planned by members of the wedding party, and Bach parties too. But that is only because as your closest people, they are most likely to volunteer. But standard etiquette is that any close female family or friends, or FI family, (close enough to be invited to the wedding, even if they cannot come) may plan a shower, alone or as part of a group of hostesses. So if your second MOH does not volunteer, or she does but has few BM helping her, she can ask if a friend or relative will volunteer ( to you) to work with her. Perfectly fine standard etiquette. So sis might feel she is not leaving others with no help, if she knows that. As young as she is, she may not. She won't have that awful feeling of letting you down
    • Reply
  • Jasmine
    Dedicated July 2021
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    That’s a valid point. Thank you!
    • Reply
  • Jasmine
    Dedicated July 2021
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Thanks for all your insight Judith! I definitely reassured my sister that it’s okay that she’s not readily available for me here. When I suggested having my other friend as maid of honor, she was up for it and said she would be totally fine with it. I’ll keep in mind some of the ideas you suggested for her to feel included although she’s not in my city. Thanks again!
    • Reply
  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    I had two maids of honor also. And one was in a different state than me. It’ll all work out. The point is you wanted her because you’re close to her even if she can’t necessarily always be available
    • Reply
  • Jasmine
    Dedicated July 2021
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    That’s exactly what I told her! I suggested having both just to calm her worries about me “missing out on something”. She said she’s totally fine with it. Thanks for the input!
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    If she does she doesn't need to accept the position. For one of my friend's wedding I thought I could have been made of Honor but she chose to pick her unreliable friend that she's no longer but at the end of the day I happily accepted in your bridesmaid because it wasn't about me it was about my friend and that's how she should view it.
    • Reply
  • Kari
    VIP May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag

    You need to decide how important it is for your MOH to be physically present to help you with wedding things vs having it be someone who you are really close to even if she cannot be there to help with everything.

    My MOH lives in another state and I've seen her once since getting engaged 6 months ago, and won't likely see her again before the actual wedding. She's my best friend, has been with me through so much in life, and is literally the closest person to me other than my FH and mom. We've been close for 20 years, and no other person in my life other than my mom has been "with me" that long. There is simply no other person who could be in the running to be my MOH. She wasn't able to go dress shopping or do any bridal things with me (I went dress shopping with the wife of one of our groomsmen and two of my female coworkers are the only people who have even seen my dress in person) and a lot of her help has been over the phone or via text message, but she's still very much a huge part of my life and it was important to me that she was by my side at the wedding. Since she's my only bridesmaid, I'm likely not going to have a bachelorette or other pre-wedding parties and some of the bridal stuff has felt kind of lonely, but 30 years from now when I'm looking back on my wedding photos I think it will make more sense to have her in them than any of the women who are my "friends for now" because they happen to live locally or work with me. It's never ideal to have family and close friends live a distance away when you are preparing for your wedding, but I couldn't imagine picking other people to be my bridesmaids just because it was more convenient.

    If you have other bridesmaids, or even local girlfriends, many will be more than willing to help with some bridal and wedding stuff, and often it can be nice to "chip in" for a friend without having all the pressure of being a bridesmaid, getting a dress, getting dolled up, spending a lot of money on parties, etc. We have friends who are helping us with decor, giving me advice on various bridal things, escorting our dog to and from our venue, etc and none of these people have a formal role in the wedding but all want to help. I literally had coworkers who I'm close to be like "I LOVE weddings, if you ever want to talk about your wedding or need help, please come to me I just think they are so much fun." I also suspect my FH is having his groomsmen's wives secretly snag me during his bachelor party weekend for a mini bachelorette celebration just so I don't have to miss out on everything. Things will get done and you will have help even if your MOH doesn't live locally or has other things going on. It does suck to not be able to do things with people you love and care for most, but that won't change just because they do or don't have a fancy title.

    • Reply
  • Jasmine
    Dedicated July 2021
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    That makes sense. Thank you for sharing Kari! The crazy thing is at one point I did consider having both my sister and my closest friends as maids of honor. However, I wanted my sister to have the title solely. In the end it kind of works out having them both because I had considered the idea previously. My friend who would be the second maid of honor, I’ve known her for 12 years now. She’s actually the reason me and my FH met!
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×