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Just Said Yes October 2021

moh backing out / advice

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octbride, on May 27, 2021 at 8:47 AM

So I asked my MOH in December to be MOH for my wedding in October. To keep things vague, she's had a rough year and the guy she had been seeing for a couple months passed away tragically recently. I completely feel for her so that's not the point but relevant information. She's been MIA and so I texted her saying that I was here for her and she responded saying she "didn't think she could plan the bachelorette" and "would step down from everything". What the heck do I do with this information? She hasn't been very involved up to this point and some of my other bridesmaids have inquired about her absence while they were planning the shower or talking about other things so I kind of feel like part of her just did not want to be MOH in the first place. My aunt is my matron of honor but I kinda wanted my maid to be one of my friends? I don't know. I felt like my maid would do the bachelorette and give my speech. So do I replace her? Should she be in the party at all? I just don't know how to approach this situation.

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26 Comments

Devoted April 2023
Peyton · on May 28, 2021 at 1:05 AM
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I feel like I am missing something ....Did you ask her what she wanted? Does she wNt to be involved or not? A little or a lot or none at all. Just ask her and follow her wishes. You have a friend to support and a wedding to plan. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Hang in there and know it will all work out.
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Expert October 2017
Florida Marlins · on May 28, 2021 at 12:51 PM
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All this. I am not sure where replacing/firing attendants came from, but it is a friendship ending move. Bridesmaids owe nothing more than to show up, dressed and sober. Everything else is just gravy.
And it is not a speech, it is a toast.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on May 28, 2021 at 2:54 PM
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It's no one's job to give a speech, just like it's no one's job to plan a shower or a bachelorette party. Anyone can offer to plan a party and anyone can offer to give a speech.
ETA: Florida Marlins is correct, it should be a toast, not a speech.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on May 28, 2021 at 2:55 PM
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Yes, 100% this.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on May 28, 2021 at 3:13 PM
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You don’t replace anyone. But if you are a friend, you show them support when they need it. Do you have empathy toward her? The parties and speeches are optional. It’s not up to her to plan anything either.
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Just Said Yes October 2021
Laura · on May 28, 2021 at 10:06 PM
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For what it’s worth, I’ve been the bridesmaid who (along with the one other bridesmaid) picked up the slack for a MOH who was going through some tough times, including planning a bachelorette, paying for the MOH to get her nails and hair done, and planning a (out of town for all of us) shower. And we didn’t begrudge it a bit. If your MOH can’t handle the additional pressures of your wedding, I’m sure your other bridesmaids would be happy to help you both out. It’s more important to have someone you love and care about next to you than to have a “perfect” wedding and set of wedding events.

On that note, I’ve got friends and family who aren’t in my bridal party (because it’s just my brother as a Man of Honor) planning most things and helping with different details and any portions that I’m DIYing. There’s no set rule about who does it, as long as you have supportive people around you, that’s what matters.
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