moh backing out / advice

Oh and the other thing is, my bachelorette is in August and nothing is planned for it yet because my MOH was supposed to do this. My matron has planned the shower. So I really need to decide so that it can get planned.

You definitely shouldn’t replace her and I would still have her in the wedding party if she’s a good friend. It sounds like she’s been through a lot, and I would just give her the time she needs to grieve her loss.

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And just sacrifice the speech portion of the day?

I agree with the previous person, do not replace her. You chose her because she is your nearest and dearest, and that hasn’t changed. She’s obviously going through a really hard time, and you should just support her and respect that she cannot take on planning optional parties at this time. Bachelorette parties and showers are completely optional- there are no rules that say you have to have either, or that your MOH needs to plan them. If another bridesmaid, or your matron of honor would like to plan a bachelorette party for you, then let them take that on.

View Quoted Comment Speeches are optional. Many weddings have no speeches at all. If you feel you absolutely HAVE to have a speech given in your honor, literally anyone can do it- bridesmaid, matron of honor, parent, aunt, friend... literally anyone.

Why is she your MOH? Is it to throw you a bachelorette or because she is one of your best and closets friends? She needs support for what's going on in her life too. I wouldn't even think of replacing her. All she needs to do is have the dress, show up day of on time, and stand next to you. If she is capable. Speeches are optional and should really be up to the person if they want to give one, and it can be anyone

If I knew how rough my friend's year was, I would tell her, don't worry about anything wedding related, that I would be there for me if she needs it, and ask some of the pother maids to see if anyone can help plan the bachelorette.

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Yeah, that is what I've done so far. Just looking for advice on next steps for the bridal party.

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I understand bachelorettes should be thrown by others, but I usually don't care if the bride plans this especially if its a destination trip (that's a whole other rant). If you want a bachelorette, you can also step in and help plan it. Keep her in the loop. who knows, maybe come August your MOH will be feeling up to attending. There is not set time limit on grieving. There is also no shame in not having a bachelorette. You can always do a girls trip after the wedding.

View Quoted Comment Anyone can give a speech. It doesn’t have to be a MOH.

"Don't worry about the bachelorette. I just want you beside me on my wedding day. Let me know what I can do to help support you."

Stacey is 100%correct. You tell her that you love her and she doesn't need to do anything. You'd still love her to stand with your on your wedding day. You don't need a shower or bachelorette OR someone else can plan it. Someone else can give a toast if they want to, it doesn't' have to be the your maid of honor. Absolutely do not replace her.

Say “don’t feel like you need to step down.
I’ll tell the other girls to handle the bachelorette. But I’d still love to have you by my side on my wedding day if you’re up for it. You don’t have to decide now, just know that I’d love for you to be there but I want you to do what ever is best for you” then tell the other girls she’s not going to be able to plan the bachelorette and if someone wants to take over that’s cool, and then do nothing else but invite your friend to stand by on your day and give her as much time as she needs to figure out what’s best for her. If that’s the morning of the wedding, so be it. There’s nothing that’s a big enough deal that a last minute change will affect your day at all (example: her name is in a program but she doesn’t walk down the aisle? Doesn’t matter). As far as speeches go, anyone can do one, and no one has to do any. We didn’t do speeches. Our best man was NOT interested, so I gave moh the option of what she’d prefer and she opted out as well. They weren’t missed. But if you want a speech, you can just ask someone else to do one. Literally anyone. Does not have to be maid of honor. You can tell her she doesn’t have to worry about responsibilities and someone else can plan and speak. That does NOT mean replace as a maid of honor. The honor is in the relationship, not in what they do for you,

I don’t think you should replace her unless she doesn’t mean very much to you. From what it sounds like you have others in your bridal party that are willing to participate in your bachelorette and your shower. I’m not having anyone to anything in my bridal party except show up and walk down the aisle. And I understand everyone is different, but I would just have a talk with her and if it were me I would just say “don’t worry about the bachelorette party don’t worry about the shower etc. if you are still able to just walk down the aisle then that’s all that is important to me, but if you don’t feel that you’re up for it then you don’t have to and I would still love you to be there as a guest.” Please don’t take your friends tragedy and view it as a slight to your wedding day. Put yourself in her position. If you lost your SO I’m sure you’d be just as devastated. We all would be. I just think that if you really care about this person a bachelorette party in the shower is absolutely no reason to potentially destroy a friendship. Good luck

If she really wants to step down, be gracious. She could be very overwhelmed and this is too much.
Certainly don’t kick her out! She’s is your friend, and you know how she communicates. Is she telling you that she doesn’t have the bandwidth? If so, I would be kind, let her know you love her and hope she can be at the wedding. And even though you are busy with wedding stuff, please check in on her from time to time.

I thiñk she clearly does not want to participate at all. By wedding time it will be too close for her to accept losing her guy. Some one else will have to pick up party planning.

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Yep, short and sweet and perfect for this situation. Be a friend first, bride second.

I feel like we're all reading this differently - some think she sounds like she is removing herself from the bridal party and you are asking if you should put someone in her place, and some think that it sounds like you are asking if you should kick her out?

I am assuming that she is saying she isn't coming or is backing down from the WP altogether.

Don't replace her. If there is a space where she should have been, so be it. It would be very hurtful for you to just plunk someone else in her place when she is dealing with something tragic.

Let her know that you are flexible with whatever she needs. If that means not attending your wedding, fine. If it means, "I don't think I can attend," only to find out a week before that she feels up to it, fine. If it means she is only a guest, fine.

Grief is very weird and can change daily. I know it sucks to leave a space open for someone you aren't sure what they are going to do, but that is the best course here. When I lost my dad, and I had events coming up, I was told "the space will be there for you, should you decide you feel up to it." Some of them I went, some of them I didn't. It just depended on how I felt that day, and there was no way to predict that.

She is dealing with a life-altering situation and grace needs to be extended. Plan as if she will be there so there is a place for her if she is, and be understanding if she isn't.

And no one will even know if there is not an MOH speech. Plenty of weddings don't even have MOHs.

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I really really like how you worded this and this is probably how I would respond.

If she does decide to formally drop out, I think it's okay if you ask someone else, I don't think it would be rude.

She's having an awful time and it sounds like you are primarily worried about how its going to affect you and your wedding, not the trauma your friend is going through. Letting her back out completely would probably be the kindest thing you can do if that is where your focus is after your best friend has experienced the death of a partner.

If you really want her to be there for your big day, you can find ways to include her in ways that she can manage and that support her as well. Maybe its letting her off the hook for all of the traditional MOH responsibilities, but having her buy a dress and stand by you on that day. Maybe its just doing a speech but not planning any other events.

If you feel like you want your MOH to fulfil a "role" then graciously letting her step down and placing someone else into that position is probably kindest. But if you want your MOH to be your closest friend and you consider her that, then you adjust your expectations so that she can still meet them. If having her by your side that day is truly important, you approach it with a conversation of "I love you and it would mean the world to have you by my side, so do you think you'd still be interested in being in my wedding if you didn't have to do any other MOH things and just got the dress and were with me that day?" or "I'd still love for you to be my MOH because you are so important to me, what could I take off your plate that makes it feel reasonable, or do you just think you don't want to do it at all? I care most about you, and I'd really love to have you with me, and the other things don't need to happen if you don't feel you can do them." You can delegate all of the other responsibilities she doesn't feel she can take on to other people.

My MOH (and only bridesmaid) won't be at my wedding anymore because she's pregnant and her due date is the same week. I'm so disappointed but it would be really unfair of me to hold it against her. I opted not to have any bridesmaids (there are still three groomsmen) because I couldn't imagine anyone replacing her. I am having a friend get ready with me that day, help with flowers, bustle my dress, etc. She wanted to help. People don't have to have a formal title to help with your wedding.

View Quoted Comment THIS! All of this. 100% agree!