Millennials & Gen Z, i have a question...

My now-husband and I talked about doing this, and my mom actually said she’d rather come to our courthouse wedding in the States than travel overseas if it’s not the “real thing” (in her words). We ended up doing a domestic wedding for a multitude of reasons but that was one of them. I feel like if people don’t know you’re already married, it’s no difference, but that’s just my opinion. At the end of the day, it’s about celebrating your love and your marriage, not legal documents.

I don't mind the couple getting legally married right beforehand. In the instance you're describing, I feel like there isn't a need to say anything as it's actually quite common for international destination weddings to be symbolic and having the legally binding part in the US. I think what most people take issue with is couples getting legally married, keeping it a secret for like 6 months, and then having a big wedding celebration in the US without informing anyone they were legally married ahead of time.

So, I’m on that borderline between Gen-x, gen-z (like that even matters)…but, I got married for the first time in 2006 (I was 26) in a courthouse in TN because my fiancé was from Ireland & we needed to start the green card process for our destination wedding in St. John (10 months later). None of this ever mattered to me…I did not consider myself married because I simply don’t place much value in the legal aspects of marriage (obviously, there are legal benefits, but I see those as bonuses rather than “reasons to” if that makes sense). My ex was ADAMANT that no one know we were legally married because they would (as you say) feel cheated. And when ppl found out years later that we were legally married at the time, they were pretty ticked off. Those ppl were older than us & younger than us. I considered them simple minded either way.

View Quoted Comment I totally agree with this!

*I meant borderline between gen-x & millennial

I wouldn't care at all. I'm a millennial if that makes a difference.

This wouldn’t bother me at all. Most couples who have destination weddings out of the country get married in the U.S. prior to leaving.

We’re from Missouri and going to Puerto Rico in January for our wedding. Even though it’s still technically the US, we’re getting legally married at the end of December. Why? Primarily to avoid some religious tension- We want people who would otherwise not attend for religious reasons to be there (his dad in particular). Also it’s a bit more involved to get legally married there than in Missouri. Also taxes.

I don't think I'd be bothered either - friends of ours had something of a destination wedding - about 3 hours from where we live, so not, like, flights, international etc, but still a fair distance to get to and overnight accommodation required... and they announced on the wedding day, after the ceremony was concluded (I think? at some point during the day, anyway) that they had married previously for personal reasons they explained to us. No one cared.

We weren't there when the legal part happened, but we still got to enjoy all the main reasons I want to attend a wedding - to witness them commit to each other, to see them all dressed up and get dressed up ourselves, to give our congratulations and let them know how happy for them we are, to enjoy a dinner and dancing with friends, listen to speeches, have our photo taken with them etc.

I think it's common with international weddings for the legal part to come first anyway, so I wouldn't be surprised.

Honestly, getting legally married the day before leaving just sounds like the easiest way to do it to me. There was a little bit of mental gymnastics getting married in a different county, I couldn't imagine a different country. If I went to an overseas wedding and my friends mentioned they got legally married before they left, I'd think "well yeah, that makes sense".


But if the couple got married months or a year before and planned the overseas part as a fun party a while after getting married, I think I would wonder why go through the fuss of it all.

I'm so glad you all think it's not a big deal. I was getting so annoyed reading other threads. I was about to just cut my guest list down to people we're super close to.

I wouldn't even tell anyone you did it before hand. No one's business really, especially as its just a legal step. I agree with PP that if you had been full on married for months and months, I probably wouldn't spend the money to travel for a "do-over" wedding.

A wedding is about celebrating the couple, not the legal document!

Running into the same issue with our family. We are getting married 2 weeks before the wedding, but won't be announcing that to guests other than close friends/immediate family. But we will use the legal date as our anniversary, and will share pictures and such and we wont be hiding it forever. But yeah, the older generation tends to get butthurt about this topic.

To answer you, I wouldn't care, and none of my friends do either.

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I totally agree with Rosie on this one. She explained what I was thinking better than I could have!

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Interesting. So if a couple did decide to do it months before, would you want the couple to share that they did? Also does this depend on your closeness to the couple or would you still decide not to go if it were your close friend or family member?

How do I weed people out who feel like this? Lol. I don't want anyone who feels like this to come. Maybe I should just lie and say we got got legally married a year ago before we send out the invitations.

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Hmm good question. I personally probably wouldn't need to know if they did it ahead of time, but if they wanted to share that with me, that's totally their call. A lot of factors would go into deciding to go if it were a close friend or family member, such as my financial situation, where the wedding was, etc. Hard to know without being in the situation! Long story short, I think every couple should do what they want or what works best for them!

I would not care in the slightest. I feel like weddings are about celebrating love, not the official legal date of the marriage. (I’m a millennial) If it was me, I just wouldn’t tell people unless they specifically ask you about it.

I haven't been to a destination wedding (like an international destination) but it sounds like it's pretty common to get legally married in the states beforehand, so I wouldn't be bothered! I'm there to celebrate your love, not witness a legal proceeding Though I do think it would be best to wait until right before the trip to do it, not "get married now, celebrate in Mexico in a year" style.

I wouldn't care.

i don't really know why people would care. i mean a wedding is a celebration of love and commitment regardless, even if they already got married legally. i'd just be excited to be there to celebrate with them