MIL gave card to husband only/wore white to wedding/etc

I say shake it off, enjoy married life (congratulations!), and let your husband deal with his mom.

I don't have any suggestions really about the situation other than to just brush it off. However, your husband doesn't get to be "not into her". It's his mother. And obviously they have a relationship.

ETA: Communication is key. You don't want to be the wife who causes problems with your husband's family. It's not a good way to start off a marriage, if you can help it.

I'd talk to her. The last thing you need is a conflict with your families. You have to work things like this out and just confront her and let her know y'all don't keep anything between each other because you vowed not to. I think she will understand and be more considerate next time.

Him not being into (liking) his mother is his own words. And she has told numerous lies to & about us, and stolen things from me as well (proved). I feel terrible but I truly think I am in the small percentage of people who have a horrible in-law (and him his mother).

Yikes. I absolutely hate when people try to tell a person in a committed relationship not to tell their S.O. about something (unless it's a surprise, of course..). Like are you really expecting/wanting your son to keep secrets from his wife? My FMIL does the same crap like that but obviously FH tells me it all. We don't keep secrets.

However, that being said, I brush it all off--- everything that she does to get under my skin. She won't get a reaction out of me except for a smile! I agree with Future Mrs. Mash-- I do not want to be the wife who causes problems (Even if it is the MIL). You can do it! Just establish boundaries! Good luck!

I'm sorry your dealing with this on your wedding day. Try to put it behind you and move past it. She isn't worth you getting upset over it now.

Call me crazy, but I think a mother is allowed to give her son a card on his wedding day without it being wildly inappropriate. She probably should have gotten an additional card for you both, but as we always say, cards/gifts are not mandatory from any guest and that includes parents. She doesn't have to get you card just because she got one from her son. Her telling him not to tell you was likely for just this reason -- you getting upset, angry, and making it a bigger deal than it needed to be. I'm glad your husband told you though.

As for the dress, meh, I wouldn't have cared if someone wore white to my wedding. That rule it outdated and never made that much sense to begin with. Everyone knows who the bride is. Now had she worn a wedding dress, that would be something cringe-worthy, but short of that, I wouldn't get worked up.

Starting your marriage with rules about what you will or won't do for your mother-in-law is sure to cause problems between you and your new husband. This is his mother. Don't make him declare loyalties over things like these.

Express to FH your feelings and ask him how the TWO of you should proceed. It's mother and rather than correcting her he just goes along with it.

If she has lied or stolen from you though in the past is this really worth addressing rather than just moving on?

If you can't shake it off, then he should talk to her about why the gift was only addressed to him and get to the root of the problem to address the issue. This is assuming your fh is also bothered by this and that the card was actually a gift inside and not just congrats. If it's just congrats, then while I think it's odd, I wouldn't make a thing about it

And he should for sure next time not agree to not share things with you, he needs to tell his mom that he doesn't feel comfortable with that if she tries that again personally

Honestly something like that wouldn't bug me at all. I frankly wouldn't care. Unless you're living with her it's not like you have to see her all the time. It's his mom so it's honestly his call to handle the situation. I would express my feelings but don't make any ultimatums or anything because at the end of the day it's still his mother.

I understand what everyone has said so far, but he also has big problems with his mother, as do literally every one of his closest relatives. As in it's way more than a MIL/DIL thing. ETA: it wasn't me who said we are done! WE think we are done.

Uh actually he IS allowed to be "not into her" if it is what he really believes is best for his family. I consider the stealing mentioned grounds enough to at least have a serious conversation. You don't have to allow anybody toxic in your lives, regardless of familial relation. That being said, this really needs to be his decision too. It would be bad if he resented the decision later.

I completely agree with everything Elizabeth said. Shake it off. It's his mother and if he doesn't want a relationship with her then that's fine but don't be the thing that drives them apart.

Also, who cares that she wore white? Everyone there knew you were the bride. I think that rule is extremely outdated and silly.

From someone who does not speak to the IL's I would say let him deal with it. The card thing was beyond rude, but at least he got one. We got zilch. Give it some time and see if it works out, but stand by his side as a united front.

While I think it's ok that she gave him a card on his wedding day just to him, I totally disagree with previous posters who think you should brush this off. Being a blood relative/your mother in law does not mean she deserves a spot in your life. If she is toxic and disrespectful, you can alter the terms of your relationship with her.

The stealing is a huge issue - was it addressed? Same with the lying...please consider checking out a forum that is used to this type of issue (even if you choose to lurk for a while). Babycenter as one that's very active - the posters are very blunt. Babycenter's DWIL Nation (dealing with in-laws). They give great advice and there are lots of book recommendations in their sticky.

I have to say I disagree with some of you. It is very possible for someone to not want to be in contact with their parent. My FH only communicates with his mother when necessary because I've asked him to as not to have regrets when she passes in the future.

I'd let it go that she wore white. Whatever, she's an adult and can decide how to dress herself. Giving her song a gift just for him isn't a big deal, but asking him to keep it a secret would be.

If your FH wants to be done with her, that's up to him. He is an adult and knows their history. When you do have to be in contact, make sure you are coridal and kind. Don't make him cut contact with his mother or choose one of you. That will turn out poorly.

Also, I would say try to hear him out and make sure he isn't just mad now. FH gets pissed at his mom and then never wants to speak to her again, but knows he will regret it because she is his mother.

Help him find a balance for him and then for the pair of you. ETA: spelling

Thank you, Sarah G.! I'm going to check out that forum. I think part of the "brush it off" comments could have been from misunderstanding, not realizing that WE want her in our life less, not just me, since it's way more than a MIL/DIL thing.

Your MIL is trying to annoy you and get under your skin. You can't change who she is or make her like you. Just be you, be better than her and don't play into her childish antics. Let it roll off. You have the man of your dreams and a whole beautiful life ahead of you.

I don't think you should let your relationship with her go down the drain. You don't want that drama later. She's off in her world and has shooed people off by her personality which is kind of more sad than anything. I don't think you have to like her or go out of your way to do things for her or be a door mat but I wouldn't shut her out. I would be civil with her and just move on.

It is our decision. I'm not making him choose. He doesn't like her. Goodness, I should have put more thought into the original post to get that across more!