Carlie
Beginner August 2021

mil Drama

Carlie, on January 5, 2021 at 12:04 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 26
Saved
Reply

I'm interested in advice, or to see if any of you ladies are, or have been, in a similar situation:

My fiancé and I have not talked to his mom and stepdad going on two years now. It will be 2.5 years come wedding time. There is little respect and zero boundaries when it comes to them and their thought process is "all or nothing" and "poor me" (always the victim).

When I first got my with fiancé I told him how much I liked his mother, because at the time we got along well. His words were "Just beware that you will end up doing something that will piss her off and she will end up hating you." She had done so with every other woman he's had in his life, gf or ex-wife. Well this last time was the third major time in less than 3 years that she got on her hate train as I'll call it, and snubbed me. Between that and other issues with his stepdad, he cut contact.

My fiancé is to the point that he does not want contact with them. He chose not to respond to even their Merry Christmas texts as his life is more peaceful now than it ever has been. (We even are getting along with his ex-wife.)

We know if his mom and stepdad are invited to the wedding there WILL be drama. Anyone who knows them, knows this to be the case. She will play the "poor me", "I'm the victim", and "I'm the mother of the groom and it's all about me". What do we do?

My questions to you ladies (and gentlemen) are: Do we still invite his mom and stepdad? Do we do so with or without conditions? How soon should we break the no contact and talk with them? (Neither of us are chomping at the bit to talk to them.) If you were in the situation and they showed, how did it go? How was it handled?


Thank you all in advance for reading and responding!

26 Comments

Latest activity by Carlie, on April 3, 2021 at 7:38 PM
  • Belle
    VIP August 2022
    Belle ·
    • Flag
    If she is toxic like that I wouldn’t invite her. I also did not want dh family to be in our wedding. I will be livid if they appear. Livid as in I will cancel the wedding.
    • Reply
  • Carlie
    Beginner August 2021
    Carlie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I would be less stressed if we didn't invite them. They give me anxiety when we do have to be around them, and I do not want that on my wedding day. However, that decision is going to lie squarely on my fiancé's shoulders. I will not tell him his mom and stepdad can't come, but I will have boundaries that must be respected. I.e. they are guests at the wedding and have no part in it (doesn't sound like he wants a dance with her).

    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
    • Flag
    I, petsonally would not invite them. But this should be your FH's choice.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    I would not invite her. Someone with the social skills of a badly spoiled child does not belong at any social gathering I will ever have. Why would FI want her there, to humiliate both of you? Nope.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    He knows his mother better than anyone and if he says no contact, that needs to be respected. Toxic people have zero business being invited to your wedding or any part of your lives regardless of how they are related. Do not invite them nor send any announcement.
    • Reply
  • Carlie
    Beginner August 2021
    Carlie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I will leave it up to him. I just don’t want him not doing it for me and regretting it later. If he wants to reconcile down the road, will them not being invited to our wedding be something that stops that reconciliation? I’m just wanting what’s best for him without stress or anxiety for me.. it’s hard
    • Reply
  • Belle
    VIP August 2022
    Belle ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes, in your case, your fiancé has to talk to his parents, and he has to take a wise decision base on his parents respond. If his parents can not respect you, he needs to protect your feelings.
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    She sounds like a narcissist, and you will regret it if you invite them.

    That said, this is his call.

    I do strongly suggest therapy for him, and perhaps couples counseling for the two of you. My mother is a narcissist, and they sow chaos and division everywhere they go, are often verbally abusive (if not physically), and have no problem emotionally destroying people.

    I'm sorry. I know what it's like.

    (FYI, my mother didn't come to our wedding because she didn't like our invitations. Surprise! Our wedding was drama free and amazing!)

    • Reply
  • Mallory
    Beginner October 2019
    Mallory ·
    • Flag

    She sounds like she has some really toxic personality traits that line up with personality disorders. Narcissism perhaps. Either way in my experience people with those traits don't have the self actualization skills to realize they need to work on themselves. I'd say don't invite her if that feels right to both of you. If he decides he wants his mother there I wouldn't fight him on it, but it sounds like you both don't want them there. At the end of the day you have no obligation to invite anyone or spend time with anyone. Genetic contribution doesn't matter when the person is poisonous.

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Rockstar October 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    There is no benefit to inviting them. You’ll have a much happier life the fewer jerks you entertian!
    • Reply
  • Jayne
    Dedicated June 2022
    Jayne ·
    • Flag

    You asked if not inviting them will affect a reconciliation, the answer is yes. They will not ever truly forgive you and they will use it as a weapon every chance they get.

    That said, you have every right to choose as a couple to not invite them. Just plan on making the No Contact PERMANENT. Make sure you guys are okay with that even when they become ill or require additional care etc. Not inviting them is a full on relationship ender.

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Rockstar October 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    If not being invited to the wedding stops her from reconciling, then it’s not a reconciliation.
    He knows what she’s like. Trust him on this.
    • Reply
  • Haleigh
    Savvy October 2021
    Haleigh ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Omg this reminded me of my mom (who I believe has narcissistic traits and am thinking about not inviting) who said our Save the Dates felt like a “snub” to her because she didn’t approve of our wedding date. 🙄
    • Reply
  • A
    Expert June 2021
    Allie ·
    • Flag

    I'm sorry you guys have to go through this! I agree with you (and others) that it's ultimately up to your fiance, and I think you are doing a great job of thinking through this the right way as a couple/team (like the potential ramifications of inviting them vs. not inviting them). I will say that I took a chance and invited some people like this to my tiny backyard wedding/minimony (thinking they would change their ways and act right...they had/have a long history of this type of behavior but I had a small glimmer of hope from them too). They accepted at first...emailed me a few different times saying how excited they were to attend, etc....and then I was sitting on the floor crying at 1.5 weeks out when they cancelled on me and said some hurtful things (insinuating that my minimony wasn't going to be a real wedding and therefore they had better things to do, etc). However, I was kind of relieved that there wasn't drama on my wedding day, and specifically that they didn't offend/mistreat my other guests. I generally think that if someone shows you their true colors, believe them. I wish you the best of luck!! Feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk further!

    • Reply
  • Y
    Dedicated January 2021
    Yvonne ·
    • Flag

    Your MIL sounds like she will require a lot of patience to deal with, and your fiance has had real experience with her so I would follow his lead when it comes to dealing with them. I do think it would be easier to not invite them, but I can see the potential backlash if it really offends them (her being a victim is for sure gonna come out), but if your fiance can handle it, it's okay to proceed without inviting them.

    • Reply
  • Miranda
    Beginner July 2021
    Miranda ·
    • Flag
    Your FMIL sounds exactly like mine and what she did to me. I wouldn’t invite her if it were me (we aren’t inviting my fiancé’s mom due to the same reasons as yours) but definitely talk to your fiancé, seems like he’s on the same page as you.
    • Reply
  • Christine
    Dedicated June 2021
    Christine ·
    • Flag

    I'm replying to this just to let you know you are not alone. When you said this, "Just beware that you will end up doing something that will piss her off and she will end up hating you." it is exactly what my now-husband told me about his own Mom. You know what, it took me 8 years to piss her off but since then and especially since COVID (about 2 years ago) she hasn't really talked to us much (because she was pissed that no one wanted to come to her Easter dinner last year).

    We decided to elope on our originally planned wedding date (postponed due to COVID) and it was just him and I, and his kids (and our 2 friends as witnesses). I asked my husband if he wanted to tell his parents in advance, and he said no. We told my parents and they were happy for us. His parents have refused to acknowledge our wedding. His Mom has blocked me on Facebook, and we don't really talk. All she could say was a very unenthusiastic "congratulations" when he called to her her we eloped. It's disappointing that my husband doesn't feel supported by his Mom or Dad, but it's not about them...it's about you. You only have control over what you do - they are in control of their behavior and some day I feel they will regret not being more supportive of you.

    • Reply
  • Th
    Dedicated September 2021
    Th ·
    • Flag
    Bless you and your FH. Everything you said is my mil except maybe dialed down 5 notches. We’ve had our tiffs here and there, but overall we get along, but she can be horrible to FH and anything related to the wedding has been NOTHING but an argument bc she seems to think it’s all about her. And she always plays the victim card which currently I’m so over it. FH warned me from the beginning too. Currently I just don’t discuss wedding related stuff with her, but FH is still in contact w his parents so our situation is a little different. I’m curious what your FH has to say about this. I know my FH wants them to be there no matter what but that is his wish and at the end of the day if she drinks too much and makes a fool of herself then that’s on her. if you think your in laws will make a huge scene and ruin your day I’d talk w your fiancé and see. If the in-laws are still reaching out to you I’m sure they’re too oblivious to their ways and do care about their son and you, so I personally would invite them but again I’m not in your shoes so I don’t know the full extent of how they are. With any set of parents you have to set boundaries. I’ve learned this the hard way. As long as you and your fiancé are on the same page that’s all that matters with your decision. Best of luck!
    • Reply
  • AJ
    Super October 2022
    AJ ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I'm in a similar boat where my fiancé does not want to invite his half brother, but they have not tried to reconcile at all. I'll be leaving the decision up to him, its tough because if he does not invite his brother he would have to also not invite his sister in law, niece and nephew which isn't fair to them since he has no hard feelings towards them.

    I say if you aren't "chomping at the bit" to talk to them and they cause that much stress/anxiety skip on inviting them. You want only good vibes on your wedding day.

    • Reply
  • Carlie
    Beginner August 2021
    Carlie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    My family and the whole wedding party are of the notion that he has to invite them. My position is that it is completely up to my fiancé if he wants them there and in what capacity. I just ask that whatever that ends up being we do whatever we need to that will remove all drama. His last correspondence with his mother was about how peaceful his life has been for the last two years without her and her husband in it. He called them to the carpet on playing the victim and what he can and can’t stand. She’d thrown out a blanket apology bc she’s “clueless” (victim) on what’s gone down before his peaceful response and we heard the birds chirping.
    We sent our save the dates and did not send one to them. If they are invited it will be with a hand delivered invite as well as guidelines they must adhere to. We’ll save that for closer to the wedding if/when it does happen.
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics