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Just Said Yes December 2022

Micro wedding “+1” issues

Kira, on April 4, 2022 at 8:27 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10

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Hi all!

Buckle your seatbelts because this a mess. FH and I are planning to have an intimate ceremony with 30 people maximum. Originally we were going to not invite friends, but have recently realized we want our best friends there for our special day, so we want to include them.

I want to invite my 4 best friends, but I have come to an issue when it comes to plus ones. 3/4 of those friends are in serious relationships/engaged. The issue is with one of my engaged friends. Recently, her fiancé has put a strain in our friendship due to him making sexual advances towards me one night when we were all drinking together. He admitted to being attracted to me and even went as far as trying to get me to do things with him. Immediately I told my best friend but she has since forgave him and they are still planning to get married (don’t even get me started on that issue). FH is aware of the situation and obviously friend’s fiancé is an absolute no when it comes to him coming to the wedding.
I don’t know if my friend will be this naive to think he would be invited, but since she has somehow stuck by this guy despite this situation, I come to the issue with how do I let my other friends that are engaged/in serious relationships bring a plus one, but not her? The circumstances are obvious but I still think she may try and include him. I am very close to this particular friend and I’m already upset that our relationship is strained because of all this. I’m afraid of losing her altogether. Is there anyway around this?
We considered no plus ones, but that also seems taboo. I know it’s our wedding, our decision, but this doesn’t make this any easier.

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Latest activity by Cece, on April 4, 2022 at 1:56 PM

Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on April 4, 2022 at 9:12 AM
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I would address this with her head-on. Don’t surprise her with this information when the invitations go out. Get together with her, face-to-face, and explain that you love her dearly, and you of course support her and her decision to forgive her fiancé for his past transgressions. And in turn, you now need to ask her for her support and understanding in your decision to not include him in your wedding. Explain that you are having a very small, intimate wedding with only those absolutely closest to you, and those who have supported your relationship along the way (and her fiancé‘s actions obviously do not fall into that category).
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Dedicated September 2023
Grace · on April 4, 2022 at 10:13 AM
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Personally, if the friends know each other well - like you're a part of a friend group, or they are close to others at the wedding, I don't think they all need plus ones. Plus ones are honestly for people to not be awkwardly by themselves. So just seat them with people they know well. Also, if you're that close to them, I think it'd be fine to just tell them. With a guest list of 30 people, I think it's totally understandable to not give them all plus ones, assuming they have people they are close with to hang out with, and assuming you've probably spoken to them about it. You'd not want them assuming they get one. For these friends, I'd either give them all plus ones, or none of them. Again.. kinda assuming they know each other.
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Just Said Yes December 2022
Kira · on April 4, 2022 at 10:19 AM
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Yes!! We have all been best friends for years, so it wouldn’t be awkward. I have just seen so many opinions about not inviting your friends’ fiancés and SOs that they live with, so I started questioning if I was being rude not including them.
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VIP May 2022
Jasmine S. · on April 4, 2022 at 10:26 AM
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How badly do you want this friend there? You can sit and have an honest talk about why her fiancé is not invited, but she may be offended and decline. On the flip side, you could not invite the partners of any of these 4 friends, and risk any or all of them declining. Could you get a third party (maybe one of your fiancé's friends) to keep an eye on this guy all night and make sure he doesn't harass you. The thing about being bride and groom is you don't have to spend a ton of time with any one person, you can keep moving around all night and not give this creep a chance to talk to you.
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Just Said Yes December 2022
Kira · on April 4, 2022 at 10:32 AM
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She’s actually closest to me of these friends, so I absolutely want her there. I understand the risk of her not coming, but we are setting boundaries with her fiancé and not allowing him there so him being there isn’t even an option. Very hard situation, but I agree with you that I think we just need to talk it out and hope she’ll understand where I’m coming from if I’m not as forgiving towards him as she is. We have been close for years, so I think she’d understand, but I am also fearful of her feeling like she has to choose between me or her FH.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on April 4, 2022 at 10:36 AM
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This guy cannot and should not come. Tell her point blank. The other SO's should be invited
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle Online · on April 4, 2022 at 10:51 AM
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A significant other is not a plus one. And they are invited by name on the invitation because they are a social unit, regardless of how long they have been together. A plus one is a random stranger for a single unattached guest such as a Tinder date whom you will never see again. Because the significant others are a social unit, it is unfair and disrespectful to say “come celebrate our relationship while your partner has to stay home because yours is not serious enough”.

In the situation with the cheating partner, only you can decide what to do. By inviting them, and she is turning a naive blind eye that it won’t happen again, you are condoning the behavior. Cheating is not a one and done thing. Since you mentioned you don’t support their relationship, that is not friend behavior on anyone’s part. You can invite her solo if you are still holding onto the friendship but be aware that she may decline. I would not attend or support their wedding if it happens. Either way, you need to have a serious discussion with her on a number of things, while setting and maintaining boundaries.
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Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on April 4, 2022 at 11:21 AM
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Yes, it would be rude and in poor etiquette to not invite your guests’ significant others. Anyone in a relationship is regarded as a social unit and should be invited to weddings together. The exception to that is when the SO poses an immediate threat, or there has been inappropriate conduct (as is the case here). This individual’s inappropriate conduct toward you has warranted you not needing to include him. However, you do still need to include all of your other guests’ SO’s
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Just Said Yes December 2022
Kira · on April 4, 2022 at 12:23 PM
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Understood I have no problem inviting the others, I just didn’t want the friend with the inappropriate fiancé to feel left out. I feel my feelings and actions are justified, I’m just not sure if she expects everyone to make everything water under the bridge like she has. Hopefully all works out but I also understand if she declines to come even though it would be very upsetting.
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Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on April 4, 2022 at 1:56 PM
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Hopefully your friend will be self aware enough to realize that not everybody can so easily forgive his behavior like she has. And if not, then I hope she is at least understanding enough to realize why he’s not invited. I’m sure it will be disappointing for her not having him invited; and yes, she may decline to attend. If so, just be understanding and supportive of her decision. Most people in a long-term, committed relationship will choose not to attend a wedding that their spouse is not invited to (even if there are good reasons for them to not be invited). Just like you are standing up for your relationship by not inviting this person, she will also likely remain loyal to her relationship by not going. As long as you both remain understanding and supportive of one another’s choices, the friendship should not be damaged.
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Micro wedding “+1” issues

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