Matron of Honour in a really expensive destination wedding. ADVICE?

This is exactly why I didn't have a huge bridal party. I knew having a destination wedding would be very expensive for others. While it was my day and I wanted my friends there, I knew for most it wasn't feasible. My sister was my MOH because in the end she's who is there for me day in and day out. Regardless of where I got married, I knew my sister would be the only one I could count on being there.

We were there for a week and she only came for 4 days because she had just started a new job and was extremely lucky that they gave her the time off.

Sounds to me that the bride didn't carefully consider everything about a DW. You can't go broke to make someone else's day.

Financially, you are unable to stand with her. If she is truly your friend, she will understand.

Is there someone else in her family (her mother, or a sister perhaps) that you could talk to about this and explain your position? Maybe your friend would accept your "no" answer better if you had someone else to back you up.

Otherwise, I don't think there is anything more you can do. She needs to realize the unfortunate truth that she has to make a choice. Either she gets you as a MOH or she has a destination wedding. She cannot have both.

Tell her flat out that you would love to be there for you but you are not in a financial situation to do so right now and will be sorry you wont be there to celebrate her wedding with her. Give her a hug and congratulations and let it be. If she still gives her crap then call her out on being not only a bridezilla but a horrible friend. She shouldn't be upset with you because your finances don't allow you to go on a $3000+ trip.

Oomph. I'm a bride doing a DW and I... i'm so sorry that she's not being way more understanding.

When we changed ours to a DW we made sure that my MOH (and my only bridesmaid) had the option of backing out - even after I told her we would cover her flight and dress. If I could do more, I would but that was the most I could offer.

To preserve your friendship, tell her again that your final answer is no. Don't embellish, don't give her reasons (you've done that already) just say no. She sounds like she will spazz - let her but don't take abuse over it. (it's such a huge bummer to brides when what they want to happen and all the crap we have in our heads just doesn't come to fruition, we're kind of like three year olds like that)

And then give her some space. Check in when you want, but don't be surprised if she's super cold for a bit.

Good luck.

That's part of what you sign up for with a DW, not everybody can attend. She either has to come to terms with you not being there, or plan her wedding at a different location. I think you have done everything that you can do at this point, and as BunnyLove said if she's really your friend she'll understand. You can't put your life on pause or jeopardize your career to attend a wedding.

I just had BM drop out because she found out she's pregnant and not only would be due a week before the wedding, but the money involved to attend would be too much with a newborn on board. Although I am bummed because she's my best friend and I was her in wedding, it's what I signed up for.

F*#(&Uk her. You don't need to make it easier for her; she needs to understand how arrogant and bitchy she's being.

"Dear Jane,

You know I love you and our long time relationship means so much to me; of course I would love to be your MOH, but the change in location makes this impossible. Both my husband and I have school obligations, limited time off, and finite funds too. I wanted to let you know as soon as possible so you can make other plans for your day, and of course, we'll want to get together when you get back to hear all about it."

Or alternatively,

"Are you f@%$@^**ing nuts? You change your location to a destination scenario that requires thousands of dollars and more time than I have ever taken off, and you cop an attitude when we can't drop everything and "make" your dream day? I've told you numerous times that this wouldn't work for me, and your inability to listen does not change the situation. I. AM. NOT. COMING.

Have a nice life."

Or take Celia's route lol

When we decided on a destination wedding, i knew my MOH was going, she preferred the destination wedding route so she could go on vacation too. That being said, i have a unique situation with that. When we told our friends/family, we knew several people would not be able to go due to cost/time off from work. My sister is not able to come due to cost. I am not even mad at her, i can't be, it was my choice to have the DW, how can someone be mad at someone else for something that was their choice. Does she think you are made of money?? She sounds selfish and immature if you are asking for opinions... If she wants you to go that bad, tell her to pay your way... We are having our reception when we get back to celebrate with our friends and family that were not able to join us. Only 13 in total including us are going to Antigua with us which i am so grateful for because i still think that is a lot. Good luck and if she can't get over it... i guess she is the one with the problem, not you.

That "silly for me to delay my career and family goals a year" does sound a little selfish as I would hope my best friends wouldn't think my wedding was silly regardless of the cost- not practical? yes, but silly sends a different message.. but my suggestion.

Tell her you'll try to figure out a way to make it work- ask her for all the dates you're expected to be there, from showers, bachelorette (which you'll probably be expected to host?), to the costs for hair and makeup, dress, shoes, hotel, and flight. Lets assume it's just you for your friends sake so it does look like you're doing everything you can to attend.. When she gives you the breakdown of price just take it for a day or two, and see if it is as high as you're expecting- make her do the research so she realizes the costs.

Where is the wedding if you don't mind me asking?

@Future Mrs.L- I just tried to private message you but I don't know how! I just came back from Antigua and it's beautiful! However, avoid LIAT airline AT ALL COSTS! both the flight there and flight home was 4 hours delayed and we almost missed our connection flight home. Even if it is more cost efficient- it is not worth it. We missed our entire first night at the hotel bc the restaurants were closed and even the beach party was over

@MOHinTraining- I agree with everyone else...she should be more understanding. It's not as if you knew it was a DW and said yes. Good Luck!

I think you've pretty much said all you need to, it's up to her to process the fact that you won't be there and accept that.

My OOT MOH had to back out for similar reasons and the flight was only $400 for her to come (we would have covered the cost but she didn't want to go without her hubby). It ended up being too much of a hassle with everything she has going on. I've known her since 7th grade and love her to pieces. I cried as soon as she told me, but I fully understand where she was coming from. We ended up adding videography so she will be able to experience it still. :-)

ETA: Your friend is way overreacting and some women end friendships over people backing out of weddings, from stories I've seen. Having it happen to me, it hurt because I felt like I wasn't aas important to her as she was to me. But then I calmed down and realizeD she was looking out for her family and she is always there for me, as she is able to be. And all is good. She still provides a lot of support via text and phone calls with all my planning.

She will just have to get over it or pay for your trip entirely.

If you can't go, you can't go. The bride has to understand that there is a consequence to every decision, and one consequence of having a destination wedding is that a lot of your 'nearest and dearest' won't be able to make it.

And honestly if your bride is screaming and 'not taking no for an answer' I'd consider stepping back for other reasons. If she's this out of control now, how is it going to be down the road? Do you really want to sign on for that? Love her, but love her from a distance.

At least you told her right away! You aren't doing anything wrong.

She will soon realize that a lot of people she is close to will not be able to attend a destination wedding.

Wow that girl sounds crazy. When she decided on a DW she should have realized that many people would not be able to come. That's why some do DWs, to cut down the guest list. If she really wants everyone there but also in some far away location, she's being unrealistic and personally it sounds selfish. She can't have everything. I live in Hawaii but all our family is on the mainland, if we had our wedding here it would be a DW for most people. We purposely are having the wedding in California so more people can make it because that was our priority. If her priority is to have you there, then she should re-think a DW, but if her priority is to be in an exotic place, then she needs to realize others won't be able to come. It may be saving her money but she needs to realize it is insane for everyone else. You did the right thing telling her with plenty of time. I hope this won't ruin your friendship.

I think she should have figured out where she was having the wedding before asking people to be in the wedding party. Had you known it was a DW from the start you could have said no to begin with. Stay your ground - if you can't afford it there's no sense going into debt for someone else's wedding.

I think Celia said it best...and the others gave great advice. You can't go. What part of "NO" does she not understand?

@Kristen, i PM'd you back :-)