Marrying a person who comes from a different financial background and having a difficult time trying to deal with the differences between families

OK, hearing what your parents said about their gift just broke my heart. I think the first thing that needs to happen here is a shift in your mindset: your parents are NOT the “lesser family”. The fact that they worked hard in order to support the children they love makes you incredibly rich. And it also means there is likely a different bond that has been formed, that your fiancé doesn’t have with her family. Expensive gifts are fine and all, but it’s the heartfelt and handmade gifts that truly matter in the end. Think about it: if you were to lose your parents, would you be sentimental over a washer and dryer?….or a beautiful afghan that was handmade by your mother? You need to go out of your way to assure your parents that flashy store bought gifts do not reflect the amount of love and value you have for eachother, and that you cherish their sentimental gifts just as much/more.
It sounds like the difference in financial upbringing is something internal you need to work through. Maybe speaking with a professional would be helpful. They can provide tools to help you work through your feelings and move past this sense of “inferiority”.

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I dd try to assure them that I appreciate and value their gifts, but it didn't help much. They still believe the gifts weren't enough and don't match up to what my fiancee's family does.

View Quoted Comment I’m in the same boat as you. Grew up middle class while my husband grew up pretty rich. I also make assurances to my parents about their gifts meaning a lot to me, but more than that, my husband and I make sure to employ *boundaries* where we can. If we personally feel like something is too much, we make sure to not encourage it, or even when it’s offered, politely say “no thank you. We have this covered.” Boundaries will be your best friend - but pick your battles. Let them get your fiancée nice clothing, but for huge things like a house (which it sounds like you already got that though) and other large purchases, draw the boundary. Say you recognize they want to “do it out of love,” but that for this purchase in your life “it’s something <name> and I personally feel we should do ourselves”. My husband and I are already prepared to have this kind of conversation when it comes to the down payment on our first house.

I get it. My husband and I came from different families. My stepfather makes a lot more than his parents and spent all their money on trips and experiences growing up even when they didn’t always have the extra cash to throw around (my stepfather didn’t always make a lot). His parents didn’t do such things and things like paying off their house was more important to them. My parents gave us a large sum of money for our wedding and when his parents found out they insisted on giving us the same amount. But there are things they’ve done that my parents wish they could have. It’s a weird place for you to be but like cece said your family is not inferior to your fiancées

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I agree, about boundaries. But, I worry that it will be hard to establish boundaries with my fiancée's mother because they are very close. I don't mean to offend anyone here, but I've observed with male friends and relatives that they often have a hard time establishing boundaries with her wives and girlfriends' families in part because of the mother/daughter bond. It might also be difficult with fiancée's father as he is very protective of his daughters. I apologize if I offend anyone I've just noticed that sometime it's hard to set up boundaries with the wife/female SO's family in society.

I think the first thing to do is stop defining everything based on money and what things cost as an arbiter of "measuring up." It's not a competition. Gifts from the parents should be a private matter, not discussed with the other side. It's not even a little bit of your parents business what your fiancee's parents decide they want to contribute to a 529 college savings plan, or can spend on a dress so stop fueling the fire and working yourself up in the process. If your folks ask, refuse to get dragged into the comparison game. People give gifts from the heart. Net worth does not determine who is "better" or close to your hearts and you are as worthy as anyone else.

My sincere suggestion is to consider working some of this out in individual therapy. Your attitude has the potential to be really destructive in a marriage.

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I know that it should be kept private if my future in-laws want to help pay for any possible children's college educations. But, in that situation I would still feel guilt and lesser because my own parents are unable to have a good impact on any possible children's lives. The only ways I view grandparents having an impact on grandchildren's lives is through money. Handmade gifts can't really have an impact. Most people know at the end of the day money is only way to help children and grandchildren get ahead in life. I will always have guilt knowing that my parents can't really have a good impact on the lives of my fiancée and I. It's hard for me not get in caught up in the comparison game because my parents can't do anything of equal measure to my fiancée's parents. If my parents were upper middle class, there would be no issues for me because they would be equal to my future in laws.

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I really do strongly suggest you consider therapy. The way you are looking at the relationship between money and people is sad, misguided and potentially destructive to your own happiness and others. Your parents will bring their experiences, their time, their wisdom, their values and character, their heritage and history to their relationship with you and your future children. They will bring their love. You can't put a price tag on any of those things. Would you be where you are now without them? Unless there's a lot more to your story to say that they can't make a good impact on your lives is frankly offensive to the struggle and sacrifices they no doubt made for you.

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My parents haven't had the chance to travel anywhere and their jobs aren't important as my in-laws jobs so their experiences aren't impactful. My in-laws have traveled to many countries and are much more cultured than my parents and I. There's not much experience wise my parents can do for any future children I may have.

View Quoted Comment This is an incredibly inaccurate and unhealthy view of the world. Seriously, you need to seek therapy. You are going to live an incredibly unhappy life if this is your view, and it very much has the potential to destroy your marriage. Cut it off at the cross now. Get the help you need. There are SO MANY much more important ways grandparents contribute to the betterment of their grandchildren’s lives that have absolutely nothing to do with money!

Both sets of my grandparents were in the same socioeconomic class so growing up for me I never had to deal with one set being lesser. That's not going to be the same for any future kids I might have. They will know that my parents don't have as much as the other set. I doubt my fiancee will ever value anything that my parents will be able to do for us even if it's not a lot. My fiancee has never said anything bad about my parents or the gifts they gave us for a housewarming gift, but I suspect she's just too polite to actually tell me that she probably didn't like the gifts. She'll probably just pretend to like the quilt that my mom is making her for the bridal shower.

View Quoted Comment You need to clearly understand something…. This is a YOU problem. It’s not your parents. It’s not your fiancé or her parents. And it’s not anyone’s socioeconomic situation. This is YOUR skewed vision of money, that you are projecting onto others. You NEED counseling/therapy to fix this before you pass this disgusting view into your children.

View Quoted Comment Ok this definitely went off into a different and unhealthy direction. Like Cece and CM said, I highly suggest you seek out therapy to work through this.


Your parents and hers do not exist for the purposes of being your future children’s “benefactors”. That is an extremely unhealthy view. What each of your parents can provide your future children should NOT matter. What matters is the love, teachings, and environment YOU and YOUR FS can provide your children. Take the grandparents out of the equation.

If YOU keep comparing your parents to hers from a socioeconomic standpoint, YOU will never happy.

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It's hard not to compare my parents to hers especially when we are starting out. It did sting quite a bit to see her parents give us gifts of a washer and dryer because my parents can't give gifts on that level. It's going to be hard for years to come when her parents will give expensive gifts to us for the holidays while my parents aren't on that same level. I can probably accept that my parents aren't equal to hers, but a part of me wonders if my fiancée does look down on my parents, but is polite and won't say anything.

Hopefully my experience will help you gain a better understanding of what others are explaining. My personal experience with this is through my brother and sister-in-law. My family is blue collar middle class, while my sister-in-laws family is very wealthy, worldly, and educated. At times, my parents felt like they couldn’t contribute as much to my nieces, but time has shown the opposite. While the in-laws may have gifted money towards their new house or college funds, it is my parents who babysit regularly and spend the most time with the girls. They are the ones who play with them for hours, know all their favorite things, and are the ones they run to and want to hold them at family events. While my brother and sister-in-law tried to share these types of moments with her side of the family, they found that while her family has better finances, they aren’t reliable and tend to back out of things. My brother has said, “they all support us but in different ways.” While expensive pots and pans are pricy and nice, a handmade blanket has taken hours to plan and craft. Time is often more valuable than money.

This is ALL about perspective. The solution is to change YOUR mindset. You’re putting all the value on money here, and that’s not the most important thing in life, especially when we start talking grandkids — money from grandparents is not important. Loving, supportive relationships is everything. You and your spouse are responsible for the financial security of your kids— no one else, though whatever means of securing that works for you is fine. Tons of families have mixed backgrounds and it works just fine because they don’t dwell on it nor do they overvalue those aspects. You mention the idea of not being able to relate to those from a different financial background in terms of friendships/closeness/etc— that is self made. I am close to people with WILDLY different financial backgrounds but we find other common ground and it’s not that hard. I think the starting point here is getting out of your head about looking down on yourself and family for not having as much money.

Healthy, rational people do not think in these terms. It's deplorable that you continue to project such flawed and warped perspectives and opinions onto your unsuspecting fiancee. If she knew the extent of these feelings and how little credit you give her for being a decent human being, there's a good chance she wouldn't marry you. If all this is for real, please get help now.

View Quoted Comment That’s sad you don’t trust her to be a decent, kind human being who respects your parents. Please go to therapy to work this out and maybe step back from wedding planning. It’s unfair to her that you’re holding onto these extremely unhealthy and flawed viewpoints without her knowing. As many have said above, she and her parents are not the problem. Your viewpoint and how you are dealing with this is the problem.

People’s worth is not tied to their bank account. I agree with others that you need to examine the relationship you have with the two. My husband and I come from very different backgrounds, with my parents being refugee immigrants to the US and my husband’s family having been here for years and very successful. His family has been more than generous with gifts such as family vacations and furniture pieces as housewarming gifts. My parents are not in the position to buy us a dining room table or fly us out on a vacation. However, neither my husband or I have questioned for a moment that either set of parents loved us any less. They just show their love in different ways. The fact you said “Most people know at the end of the day money is only way to help children and grandchildren get ahead in life.” is worrisome. My parents taught me the values of hard work, love, and family. Would it have been great to not have to work full time during college to support myself? Absolutely. However, I am now happily married and about to graduate with a doctoral degree. I would not have changed my upbringing for anything. Parents and grandparents have so much more to offer than money. And you really need to do some self-reflection about your views on money and people's value.

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My fiancee's mother babysits her grandchild( fiancee's sister child) all the time and spends a lot of time with that grandchild. It will probably be the same when my fiancée's other siblings or us if we have kids. Her parents don't back out of things. My parents would still have to compete with her parents and I know most of the time the maternal grandparents are usually favored.