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Super September 2019

Married Life Advice - mil related

Anna, on December 15, 2019 at 5:24 PM Posted in Married Life 0 5
Hi everyone. I have only been married for a few months, I have been with my husband for over four years, so my situation isn’t surprising, but I want to make sure I go about this the right way. I am a heavy girl. I actually ended up in the hospital because of how bad I wasn't taking care of myself. So with a few set backs I am really trying to do better and be better.

My MIL knew i was in the hospital, but has not asked me how I’m doing since being out. I was in there for four and a half days. It was a pretty eye opening experience. But I don’t take her not asking to heart, that’s just the kind of person she is. We have seen her a few times in person since. Anyways! Here’s the actual dilemma. A few weeks ago we were celebrating all of the November birthdays, which are my husbands, myself, my MIL, and our niece. My MIL always hosts the parties and when it came time for desert, she asked every single person by name what kind of cake they wanted except me. My husband from across the room asked if I wanted some after everyone minus me had been offered. I denied cause of embarrassment, and just thought that there were a lot of people and she maybe thought she asked me. No big deal. Well yesterday at another big family gathering, she starts asking my husband about his weight (he has a beer gut, but isn’t extremely big) and that it’s not healthy. She turns to me and says”oh well anna you work out don’t you? So he can go with you?” I explained that i can do light cardio but only recently got the green light from my doctor. She said “oh” and quickly changed the subject. We left shortly after that. When we were leaving she had fudge she made for all the kids. She turns to me and says “do you want the fudge or should you not bother taking it home?” I’m assuming it’s about the weight conversation. I just said that it’s her sons choice and my husband took it saying he’ll share at work.
My husband and I talked about everything (I’m very grateful we have open honest communication) and I explained how I feel isolated sometimes. Not all the time but his mom will get in these moods that she will question his weight or health while I’m right next to him in front of everyone (I’m much much larger than he is. He really is average weight with a little beer gut). And she absolutely purposely singled me out regarding the desert. My husband wants to talk to her about it and let his mom know his feelings on the situation and mine. I have no problem talking with her, so I suggested to wait and see if she does it again and at that time pull her aside privately and the three of us have a talk. Do you think that would be ok? Is it “overstepping” if I talk with them even though it’s about both of our feelings??
Also side note, I completely understand that she asks her son about his weight because deep down she loves and cares for him. She should be able to ask him, and that conversation is between the two of them. It’s the way that she goes about it that she does it right next to me and knows I’m listening and it’s always at a large family function where others listen in too.


Latest activity by Nicole, on December 29, 2019 at 10:41 AM
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I think your idea is great in that if she does it again take her aside,after the event, and mention it with her. Maybe she does not realize her words are hurting you.

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  • Jade
    Expert November 2021
    Jade ·
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    I think your way of going about this is the best way to do it. I agree with PP also because from your story it seems like she doesn’t realize it hurts you and is not trying to purposefully single you out and make you feel isolated.
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  • Yoice
    VIP March 2019
    Yoice ·
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    I think you should both address her if you’re comfortable with that but I don’t think you should wait for it to happen again. I think that would make you on edge and the conversation won’t go as smoothly as if you have a clear mind.
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  • Jo
    WeddingWire Administrator May 2015
    Jo ·
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    Hey Anna! First of all, I'm glad your health is improving!

    I think your plan of speaking to her privately sounds good, but before you do a sit down talk have you tried in the moment saying something casually to her? It sounds like she knows you are exercising and eating healthier and maybe because of that she is trying to not offer you cake and sweets in case you would feel obligated to accept them from her, or that it would call attention to your recent health issues and hospital stay if you had to refuse them. Maybe she isn't asking about how your health plan is going or how your time in the hospital was because she doesn't want to invade your privacy, so she's being overly accommodating to the point where it feels like she's excluding you and ignoring what you've been through. So the next time that comes up, if you wanted you could let her know a little bit about your health plan so she can be better informed ('I'm eating x and y but cutting out z, so it's ok for me to have some cake today' or 'I'd love some too, I'm still eating x, just in moderation' etc, said in a happy, breezy tone). Maybe in her mind she's trying to take care of you and feels like she'd be a jerk if she knew you'd just had a health scare and she was undermining it by forcing sweets on you! You know her far better than I do, this is all just a guess, but whether you take her aside for a talk or talk to her in the moment I think she needs some more information on how her actions are being perceived and how she could best support you so there's no awkwardness between you. Good luck!

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  • Nicole
    Super October 2021
    Nicole ·
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    I think your approach is the right way to do it. Wait until it happens again and then address it at that time. And make sure to use the "i feel " statements instead of "you do this" statements.

    Honestly, just by the way you describe things, to me it sounds like your MIL is trying to be considerate of you getting healthier and is just going about it the wrong way. If my family knew I was trying to lose weight and didn't tempt me by sending foods home/guilt me into taking leftovers home i would be incredibly grateful because thats a big weakness for me.

    Definitely talk to her about it Smiley heart

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