"Married" but never had a wedding

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Girl. Same.

View Quoted Comment OP clearly asked for kind responses, and a response that is short, especially in text form, like yours was, can sound blunt, which is not very kind. By dismissing everything OP said she felt (not feeling married, which is a subjective feeling you cannot say isn’t true for her) is not responding with empathy to the situation. If you were in the same boat, and someone told you that even though you didn’t feel like you were married because you missed out on everything you wanted (which I know you got, Caytlyn, as you’ve posted wedding photos), you were still married and had to deal with it, it’s harsh. You don’t understand her feelings fully or the complexity of the situation, so forgive so many of us for calling your response out.

View Quoted Comment I know what the OP said, but when you ask for advice on a wedding etiquette forum, you’re going to get honest advice, not coddled. As I mentioned in my original comment, it’s 100000% fine to have a vow renewal and include all of the typical “wedding” traditions that she wants, but it’s not fine to ignore the fact that she’s been married for 6 years and take advantage of her guests for bridal shower gifts. Not only that, but it’s extremely offensive to the people who only had a courthouse wedding for the OP and commenters to continue talking about how a courthouse ceremony isn’t a “real wedding.” It’s very much a real wedding and those who have courthouse ceremonies are very much married. It doesn’t matter if you feel that way or not.

View Quoted Comment I went to the courthouse out of necessity and I’m not offended at all! In fact, it didn’t feel real at all but more like a technicality to get paperwork done. This may not be the case for other couples who chose a court house just because it’s their style. No one is taking advantage of guests if she gives them the opportunity to decide whether they want to attend or contribute versus not. Every single person has free will to decide what’s comfortable for them. Obviously, if you were on her or my guest list, you can decline to participate or bring a gift. No one is forcing you. I am offended by how ready and willing you are to dismiss this women’s feelings and tear down what she wants in the name of etiquette. Clearly etiquette is not relevant here, otherwise, she would not have posted her question. I can’t speak for her in terms of what she will ultimately do, but I’m letting you know I feel the exact same way. Not only am I having a religious wedding in 2021 after my civil ceremony that will occur two and half years from our new date, but I will be having a bridal shower, bachelorette trip and rehearsal dinner. Why? Because I can and I know my guests will support it and show up and show out for me. If you don’t have people who would do the same for you, well I’m sorry. I guess everyone doesn’t have the support system.

I say make it happen the way you want it to happen. I have a friend who got married at a courthouse the way you did for the same reasons. Years later they had their dream wedding and almost no one knew that it was a vow renewal. Make it happen!
My wedding was canceled due to covid and I have an internal struggle about whether I should just elope.

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She asked for advice though, in the last sentence of the post. And she asked for "kind" opinions. You can disagree with someone and still phrase your opinion kindly...at least, most people can.

Lay off this other poster. She doesn't have to agree with you and she wasn't unkind.

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I agree with your comments.

OP you've gotten a lot of opinions, here is mine. It's just my 2 cents, do what you want with it. I apologize in advance if this sounds harsh, because that is not my intent.

First, I can tell you feel very hurt by this. There are experiences in life that most of us want to have, and when we can't have them, we feel like life has cheated us. Most of us 2020 brides feel this way. Even if my wedding happens in 4 months, this is not what I thought my planning experience would be like. So I get it...you want to experience the wedding and the excitement and the planning like everyone else gets to.

Second, that being said, I think you also have to face facts. You have been with this man for nearly 10 years. You are legally married to him and have been for some years. You have a home and children together. You have achieved a lot of the things in your marriage that newlyweds hope for when they walk down the aisle. This man, your husband, is the father of your children, and you refer to him as your boyfriend because you did not get a wedding. That does not seem right. I think you are letting your desire for this wedding overshadow the beautiful things you do have.

So what to do about the big party? As other have said, I think you should have a vow renewal. In the Catholic church this is called a "convalidation", when you bring your existing legal marriage into the church. You can get dressed up, go on a honeymoon, etc. I think you could do some awesome stuff with this, celebrating the life you have built together, and it would be great fun.

If you want a wedding, you want to call it a wedding, have him propose, etc. you can do that but I don't think it will be/feel what you want it to, because it will not be exactly what you dreamed of growing up. You will have a lot of well intentioned but confused people going "I thought they were already married?" Some people might view it as a gift grab, especially if you have a shower.

I feel for you, because you should get to have the experience you want. It is a bit like going back to college when you are older. You can still get the education and the degree but you aren't going to feel like, or be treated like, an 18 year old freshman because you aren't.

Getting legally married is NOT A WEDDING! Do not listen to those negative nancys. Because of COVID, I will be getting legally married on June 20, 2020 (our original wedding date) and then we will have our full wedding later this year or next. Our legal marriage is just a signature on a piece of paper to make sure our anniversary is on the day I want it to be. You DESERVE to have a wedding! It doesn't matter when it is but you can still have one. Instead of calling it a "vow renewal," you can all it "celebration of marriage" or a "celebration wedding." Whenever we do end up having our real wedding, we will not be calling it a vow renewal because for one, we will not even be exchanging vows when we get legally married. Our wedding will be the day where we exchange our vows PUBLICLY in front of our family and friends, the day where we will wear our respective wedding attire for the first time, and publicly claim our undying love for each other. The legal part is not a wedding. Don't let anyone say otherwise. And I do still planning on having a bridal shower and a bachelorette party even though I will already be legally married. I want all the wedding traditions, and every woman deserves to have that too. You deserve it girl!

You should have a wedding! It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, you never got to formally acknowledge and commit to each other as man and wife in a public setting. My brother and his wife (both military, so I understand) technically have been married but they are having a full-blown wedding in October. I really don't think you should listen to people on here saying you had your wedding - clearly you didn't and you don't feel that you did. If people have questions you just explain - we never had our wedding and life is short, these moments are important and we want one. Just because something is done differently doesn't mean it can't be done.

As far as bachelorette and showers, maybe just bundle it into one weekend and have a girls weekend! He can do the same and have a guys weekend - people do that all the time even when they are already married.

View Quoted Comment I was in this same predicament and because we were engaged for 4 years, we decided to have an intimate wedding this year and have a wedding celebration next year. I still feel uneasy about it being called a wedding next year but then I realized that its about FH and I and no one else. Everyone is going to have an opinion but at the end of the day you’ll have have the last say.

There's nothing wrong with having a wedding whether or not you refer to it as a wedding or a vow renewal or whatnot. And ultimately you know your friends and family. You know if they'd think it was "tacky" to do things like a bridal shower and whatnot. If I was your friend, and knew everything you said in your post, I wouldn't think it was tacky or not ok because I know where you're coming from is just feeling like you were robbed of these things that are important to you and not from the standpoint of "give me gifts, give me money, give me attention."

I'm in the same you were in. My husband is in the Air Force and we got married while he was in tech school to learn his job. We got legally married last year and plan on having a wedding next year. I say call it whatever you want to call it, a wedding, a vow renewal, whatever you want. I think you could instead of having a bridal shower, maybe have a bridal luncheon? I still intend on having a bridal party instead of a bachelorette party. I've made that much clear to the folks I've already asked to be my bridesmaids.

I hope you've had the chance so far to at least get the big proposal you wanted!

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Agree with this 100%

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YES!

Also, there is a kind/gentle way to express an opinion that differs from the OP's stance. Invalidating someone's opinions is hurtful and does little to get one's point across. OP asked for support, not some lecture on semantics. It's perfectly fine to disagree with someone, but being tactlessly blunt when the OP asked for kindness is just insensitive.

I will repeat A MARRIAGE AND A WEDDING ARE NOT THE SAME THING. I completely disagree with anyone who says a legal marriage is the same thing as a wedding. Signing papers is not a wedding. The marriage is a change in legal status, nothing more. The wedding is the act of celebrating said event with a ceremony or party or other means chosen by the couple. Often the two happen at the same time, but not always.

Countless celebrities have multiple weddings to honor a singular marriage. Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner legally married in Vegas and then had a big wedding a month later in France. Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin first tied the knot in a NYC courthouse but had their wedding the following year in North Carolina. Tabloids and news fodder never refer to those larger, second events as "vow renewals"; they are rightfully called weddings. Many couples choose to simply and legally marry at the courthouse on a date different from their wedding - perhaps to be able to have someone close to them perform the ceremony, or so they can have a wedding in a different country without having to worry about legal hoops. And what about all the people who choose to have an "American" wedding and then a different cultural wedding, such as an Indian wedding or Chinese wedding? Is one of those events just not a wedding because the couple's tax status didn't change at the exact moment and time that that celebration happened? Some couples choose to go the courthouse route, embrace it and celebrate it, and they desire nothing more and consider it to be their wedding, which is totally fine and totally up to them. But a courthouse marriage that isn't fulfilling and isn't a celebration isn't the same thing as having a wedding.

Do you! Have your bachelorette party. Whatever you want go forth. Have the wedding of your dreams. In this day and time all rules are out the window. We were married by an officiant 5 years ago with just our children there to witness. I never wanted a wedding. But now I do so next year on our 6th anniversary we are having the wedding. I'm getting a wedding dress and having thee whole shabang. My friend is throwing me a bachelorette party. Our son who is 9 will be the ring bearer and our daughter who is 7 will be flower girl. I'm going to ask my aunt to walk me down the aisle since my parents have passed away. And anyone who doesn't like it doesn't have to attend. Congratulations have your dream wedding. Rules don't matter anymore

Hey Catriona! If you really feel like doing all that just go ahead and do it! I don’t think it’s tacky as long as you’re upfront with everyone that you’ve already been legally married all this time. That way they can decide if they want to be part of it or not! If you want it all; the shower, the bachelorette party etc go ahead! Just make it a celebration of your relationship! I’ve had plenty of people telling me we shouldn’t make a big deal of it because we already have a child together. But I’m going to wear a cute girly white dress for my shower! I’m going to have a bachelorette party! And I’ll wear a white wedding dress! You do you and have fun with it!

View Quoted Comment I agree with this 100%! A courthouse wedding IS a wedding and the couple made the conscious choice to do that rather than a big party along with the legalities. It is highly offensive to people wanting a courthouse wedding to say that the legal paperwork does not make a wedding. What is then because it’s not a house or car purchase.

My husband and I eloped at the courthouse back in 2012 because he was military (not anything I ever expected to do) I’ve always dreamed of having my big day so we are currently planning our dream wedding/reception on our 10 year anniversary and I plan to do it all girl! No one is going to tell me I don’t deserve a shower or a faux bachelorette party , even if you don’t have a bridal shower I was thinking about a lingerie party with closest friends and family! Do what makes you happy girl!

In my opinion I think you should print this post out and read it to your SO. Have an open conversation and ask for his input. You deserve it to yourself to have your feelings heard. If you want a bridal shower invite people and the people who show up support you. If you want you can even explain that you want to do it the way you always dreamed. But don’t feel obligated if you do not want to. It’s your special moment spend it how you would like!