Married Before Wedding After

This is a touchy subject. Some will say if you do this you then don't get to call your wedding a wedding but I personally think that's not right to judge. For some people it's just what makes sense or might even be their only option and they have no choice. For example in our state the only people who can marry you are a religious official or a judge. We aren't religious so option A is out and option B didn't sit right with us because courthouse weddings here happen in large groups (many couples all at once and you wait in line) and you can bring a MAX of 2 people. That means we couldn't even bring all 4 parents, let alone grandparents, siblings, or our best friends. It did not seem fair to us that simply because we were not religious our families were not allowed to be at our wedding. Honestly, it's a flaw in the system and is very discriminatory. So we went to the courthouse, got legally married, and then had our wedding a month later with a family friend as our officiant and it was great. We did it a month ahead of time because they only do them once a month and we were afraid if we waited until the one only a few days before our wedding and something went wrong we would be stuck. So the one a month out gave us a backup date if something went wrong. Honestly, to me it just seems so wrong to judge on this one.

We are doing the court house first and then having a DW and having the whole shebang,,, I could less what anyone thinks about it, its my life, my wedding, my party, my money.. so though shit!!!

So back story makes sense at this point. My mom died in March 2008 from Colon Cancer. I was planning a wedding for November 2015 and the process was emotional and grueling. You think you're okay for years and then it all hits you like a brick wall. But I moved forward. Then last year in March my dad took his own life, violently and left my moms veil with his note. To say that was devastating is the understatement of the century. It was hard enough without her, but now he was gone too. I just literally couldn't move forward. I canceled everything. Lost my deposits. My husband Kevin and I got married at city hall that May and bought a house in July with the money we had saved. You may all have your opinions about what to call it, what's appropriate, what's allowed but I'm just not sure I want to give up walking down the aisle and seeing his face light up when he sees me. So I'll call it whatever I want. But I'm just wondering if anyone else was in a similar situation and debated whether to walk down the aisle again.

@Charlene I am very sorry for what you have been through, in regards of the wedding I believe you should do whatever feels right to you.

Charlene, big virtual hugs. I just can't even put words together for you; I've started to type several times, and everything sounds so hollow.

You walk down that freaking aisle lady. You call it whatever you want, you do whatever other details work for you and you enjoy your day with a nod and embrace to your parents, who made you the woman you are.

Head held high sweetheart, head held high.

@Charlene- I can only imagine how extremely difficult that is... My Mom recently experienced some health complications and we were worried we might lose her. That alone was terrifying. Like PPs said, you have that moment with your husband and call it whatever you want to and to hell with the naysayers!

Charlene, I'm sorry for what you're dealing with and I know how you feel. I wanted my grandmother to walk me down the isle but she passed in 2012. I got mare at the courthouse 3/11/15 and I am doing my wedding ceremony and reception 3/12/2016. You can call it whatever you want to call it, why because it's you and your husband's day.

OMG! Charlene - call your celebration whatever you want.

@Celia - Bravo! I second, third, and fourth your comments.

Also I'm not trying to demean anyone that gets married at city hall as their wedding. I did it because I couldn't emotionally handle anything else.

My mom passed when I was 11, and my father had been fighting cancer for about 20 months. He was starting to lose the battle in an ugly way. We had an emergency wedding, (dress, cake, BM's FG and all about 14 people) in the ICU. he passed 4.5 days later. I can't imagine what emotions ran through you after the tragic event. I had hard enough time planning with a sick father. Big hugs to you!

Charlene it doesn't matter why you did. At the end of the day if you want the wedding ceremony and reception honey by all means have your wedding.

I'm Canadian my husband is American and for immigration reasons we got married May 21 2015 at the Chapel of Love in the Mall of America it was super small only his parents and my mother and son were there. We are having our big wedding June 4 2016. We are having the same officiant she was amazing and did such a great job. We just won't do the signing. Only select few know we're married already

Oh brother. Sorry but I'm in the boat that it's not a wedding if you are already married. I disagree with it being the norm in the military (I'm a military fiance ). If you got caught lying about being married you could be kicked out. Your wedding is the day you get married big or small. Own your choices and realize being adult means sometimes making difficult decisions.

Oh darling, that's awful. I'm so sorry you have been through this.

You have your wedding, because you are owed every happiness in the world. I am so sorry for your losses.

In answer to your question, FH and I are looking at doing the city hall thing before our DW, but we won't tell anyone. It's an extra 2000$ USD for a legal ceremony, plus because Spanish isn't a national language in Canada, we would have to pay to get our license translated to English, which could apparently take from 2 months to 2 years to be processed. And our marriage wouldn't be recognized legally until it was translated...I have no qualms against the cost, but the time blew me away. It just might be easier for us to do it this way the Friday before we fly out.

I think the issue with calling the 2nd ceremony a wedding is the false pretenses and some (I'm not saying Op but others who have posted about this) doing it to be gift grabby. I will say, no matter if you do a ceremony or not, the day you married your husband in the courthouse was just as meaningful. 90% of a wedding is fluff. It's there so you can spend your money. It's an industry for a reason. Your marriage is your love and devotion when that's all stripped away. Whatever you do, your marriage isn't any less of a marriage because you went to a courthouse.

The willingness to lie to loved ones gets me.

Just to be clear. It's not a "secret" that I'm married. So it's not going to be a lie or misleading to my friends and family which are fully supportive of me finally having my moment in the sun after so much pain. I'm fully aware that it will be a vow renewal and so is everyone else. I mean it's baffling to me that everyone has such a certain opinion on what I'm calling it and telling me to "own my choice" like hello I lived it, I'm aware. Thanks for the reminder though. That wasn't even my question. I was just wondering if anyone else made the decision to have or not have the ceremony again later, or just a reception, period.

Alison, I doubt they would lie if someone asked.

I honestly don't understand why anyone should care when the legal paperwork was done. I have found out for several of my friends that they got officially married before their weddings for a variety of reasons, mostly immigration and insurance based. Who cares? You don't watch them sign the license. In my lexicon, a marriage is whenever you do the official part, and the wedding is when/if you have the ceremony with loved ones. The legal part is something that you can choose how much value to put in. Some people will go to the courthouse and embrace that as their wedding. Other people will choose to do that as a formality and embrace a later reception as their wedding. The legal part doesn't affect anyone except the couple, so I will never understand why anyone cares.

I don't think it's gift grabby since weddings often cost more than you get in gifts. If you were really just a gift grabby person you would skip the wedding and spend all the savings on buying yourself stuff.

@ Charlene, do whatever you want! If you want to do a public proclamation of love, do the vows. If you're a little shy, just skip straight to the party! My cousins decided to exchange "10 things I love about you" instead of vows-- they took turns saying one thing they loved about the other person, and 10 is enough to get a good mix of loving, funny, sweet, etc. That was a unique twist that worked for them. You have the flexibility to do anything you want!

Basically this was semi not really helpful, and helped me realize that I have the most incredible supportive friends in my life that don't care that I'm already legally married. They are helping me make memories regardless. @Celia I will walk down that freaking aisle. I can't wait to see his face smiling at me and our best friends standing beside us. I'm going to own that choice to do what we want, because I am an adult. I don't even know why I bothered with this. Everyone is so certain, leaving no room for possibility. Part of being an adult is knowing that the path can be taken out from under you and bring you to your knees. You don't have to change everything, you just have to find the time to make it happen. I hope you all find that in your own weddings.