Marriage Announcements and step family etiquette??

Oh! Also, I am going to see a large number of these excluded individuals a month after our wedding at my step brothers wedding...

You already hurt their feelings by excluding them because they aren't "real" family.
I invited just as many steps as I did blood relations. Why? Because my step family IS my real family and I couldn't imagine doing what you did to them. The same rules apply when inviting people.
We started with parents and siblings, including steps.
We went to grandparents, step passed away.
We went to aunts and uncles, yep steps are included!
Then we went to first cousins ......also involving steps.
You stop the circles where you can afford, not exclude people because the bond isn't blood.

Do you have any idea how far my step family members are traveling just to see me get married? I have an aunt coming from California, an uncle from Hawaii, and cousins from out of state. It's because we all love each other and they wouldn't miss this for the world. My blood family is also traveling a long ways to come because we also love each other so very much. I don't see a difference between either side. It's not "moms family, step dad family." It's just family.


You say you love them but then told them they can't come because they aren't real family. They are already hurt. An announcement won't make that better.

There's nothing wrong with sending wedding announcements. It's usually done to update everyone with your new name and address. However, this will not mitigate any hurt feelings or make them feel included. It might actually do the opposite. It will emphasize the fact you got married and you didn't think enough of them to invite them. So in your case I wouldn't do it.

View Quoted Comment Wow! You are rude... she had limits due to the capacity of her venue.
So she invited direct family first up to a limit, and sorry, depending on how often she saw them and the relationship... she did not invite all the step family. Sorry, not all families created by remarriage have the same level of closeness.
And not all families can afford or justify traveling very far distances for weddings... if she couldn’t afford or fit everyone of the people that she’s not even biologically not related to into her venue, what the heck was she supposed to do? Go into debt?
At least she has good reason...

View Quoted Comment Not everyone has that relationship with their steps. Im inviting only 1 of my 2 step brothers because I've never even met the other one. I was an adult when my dad married my stepmom and I wasn't even told/invited.

View Quoted Comment So she should have invited family (yes, step family!) In circles until she was at her limit, not extended her blood relatives limit by leaving out step family. She says she didn't want to hurt them but she already did.
Whether a family member can afford or justify traveling a long distance to go to a wedding or not is irrelevant. You don't invite people based on their income or willingness to travel. You invite them to let them know you want them there. It is then that persons decision on whether they accept or decline the invite. No feelings get hurt when someone is told they are wanted.
See, choosing blood relations over family relations is the hurtful part. If she could only afford a set number of people then she invites the set number of people including step family. I stopped my circles at cousins, she might have to stop her circles at aunts and uncles. Either way the steps are included because their relation is just as real as a blood relation. There isn't a good reason for her to tell her step mother, whom she loves, that step family isn't family.

View Quoted Comment People also aren't always very close to their blood family. There are many scenarios separate from this. She said she loved them which means she is close. Then didn't invite them. That is the issue.
If this were another "I hate my step family, do I have to invite them?" post then this would be a different thread altogether

This is your wedding and accommodating 30+ more people that you didn't plan on is super expensive and a pain, especially if you already have a set capacity in your venue contract. I understand how you feel, I had to trim my guest list down from 275 to 100 because it was too expensive and I was more concerned with having my close friends i see on a daily basis than the 100+ family members I never really see.
Yes, it's tough to let them find out they're not invited, but in the end they have to understand that this is your day, and as a busy bride-to-be, you have too much to worry about. And weddings are expensive!
Even the extra Save the Dates and invites cost hundreds of dollars more.
Just invite who you truly want there. Maybe send the people who didn't make the cut a sentimental wedding favor in the mail.

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I would say I love a lot of my blood relatives, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm close to them. Everyone has different family dynamics.

I wouldn't send announcements. Announcements are typically sent when the couple eloped or the wedding was small and immediate family.

Sending announcements to those not invited, family or not, seems to further emphasize that they weren't invited to the wedding.

View Quoted Comment It’s not on the relatives income... it’s based on the budget for the wedding...

View Quoted Comment That's the and thing I thought. She replied as if she was one of the step family

View Quoted Comment Yes they do, and in accordance to invite etiquette it's a none-or-all approach. Ex: All kids or no kids (exception being bp kids). None of us like the girl my FBIL is dating right now but I know etiquette requires I invite her. So I did. While it can be unpleasant, etiquette is straightforward. The rules are there to avoid hurt feelings. She invited family and left members out of the invited circles based not on feelings but on blood. Had she followed etiquette, instead, then her step mother wouldn't be hurt right now.

At the very least, she continues as is which is her decision to make, but then she shouldn't worry about how to prevent hurt feelings. She should accept that her decision did, in fact, hurt people and move on. Sending them something in the mail would only rub it in or alert them the the situation.

View Quoted Comment Precisely. Your argument of "not all families can afford to travel a long way" was not related to the thread on hand.
You invite in circles that include the step family. You stop when you reach your limit. Just like any other wedding

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So instead, it would be better etiquette for her to invite those people that she favors more over her blood family? She said her venue couldn't accommodate them all. You could make the same argument that it wasn't right if she had went ahead and did that.

View Quoted Comment The argument would be the same either way. You invite in circles because whether blood or step, It's family. You stop when you reach your limit.

Hi, thanks for your responses. To clarify, I am close with my stepmom and step brother. The rest of my stepfamily lived out of town/state from us, and I saw them once a year if that...my relationship with them was not as close as with my blood cousins who I saw more often...I was also ~10 when my dad remarried so the dynamics were different... My FH and I considered cutting it off at all uncles and cousins, but that wouldn’t have gone over with FH parents who are contributing financially and we are much closer to them...there really wasn’t a great choice. I understand the differing perspectives, thanks again.

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Oh well, I guess my wedding was a big etiquette fail. I only invited kids over 13 to my wedding and then I invited some kids that were under 13 simply because they were traveling cross county. Oh well. I guess someone will always be upset . I'd much rather invite an extended family member who I love and see often over an immediate family member who I'm not close with. Obviously, a different situation from the OPs.

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I think this is a bit much. I hear where you are coming from, but it seems like you are projecting your own personal stuff a bit.

With that said, OP, who is paying for this? Step mom is hurt, ok, but were her and your dad paying for this? And if so, what did they have to say about the guest list prior to invitations being sent? Families are sticky and blended families even more so. If I were you I would have a convo with my dad saying that you are surprised to hear this is such a 'thing' as the list has been set for months. It was not your intent to hurt your SM. I'm suggesting this because maybe he can calm her down a bit behind the scenes.

I would not send an announcement, it is what it is, and people will organically find out.

ETA - I see your update that you are not close to these people. Enough said. Parents in general need to learn to manage their expectations of who is invited. This has been very hard on my mom as she wants ALLLLL the family invited that I haven't seen in years. Take the 'step' out of it, these are just extended family members who you are not close to and that is fair.

View Quoted Comment Then that's your prerogative. You also aren't asking what to do about people not invited. You took the other route I mentioned: accepting it and moving on