Mama Drama

You haven't done anything wrong and you haven't been rude. My FH is in a very similar situation with his parents. It's sad that your mother seems to care more about holding a grudge against your father than she cares about you having a relationship with your father. I understand the hurt he caused her, but it was 12 years ago and she should be more concerned with her role as your mother than her role as his ex-wife. You're definitely not in the wrong and I would tell her that she needs to accept the way things are going to be or she doesn't have to be a part of it.

Honestly I think inviting the stepmom (although it was a nice gesture) may have not been a great decision considering how your mom feels. I can see her perspective considering that she is the woman your dad cheated on her with. Yes your mom should be cordial for the day regardless of her feelings but maybe your mom took that badly which I can see why. I do feel your mom should be there for you and put her personal feelings aside and I am so sorry you are going through this. No you are not being rude, you are just trying to make everyone happy but sometimes that may make someone else upset. I do not feel you should cancel your wedding because your mom is being difficult. I think you need to have a direct conversation with her and tell her that how she is acting towards you is making you want to cancel the wedding all together. You need her for one day to put her feelings aside for you, her daughter. It is up to you but maybe having the stepmom there is a bad idea because I foresee that causing more drama the day of more than you realize. God forbid your mom decides to argue with her and the moments before should be relaxing. Best of luck!

I think have an honest conversation about the situation. I would tell her that even though it has been years your mom has not fully gotten over the situation and when she found out she was livid and you are worried about the big day (if someone told me that me being at a place may cause someone to act rudely to me I would not want to go) being problematic for her. Tell her you are sorry but you think it may be best if she does not go but if she would accept you would like to take her (and only her and maybe the bridal party) out to brunch beforehand or maybe before the wedding for a mani pedi. How do you think she will react? If your stepmom is understanding then even if she might be hurt she may get it. You can even ask your dad how to best approach it maybe?

You have done nothing wrong. Your mom needs to deal with her own feelings and not put them on you. After 12 years I would think everyone could at the very least act like adults for one day. Why hang on to all that anger and risk hurting people you love? It is not up to your mom to decide what kind of relationship you have with anyone, least of all your dad and his wife. If your mom can't put her feelings aside to be supportive of you, that is on her. I would let her stew on this for a couple of weeks then reach out to let her know that you are making the decision that is best for you, but that her feelings and actions cannot interfere with what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life. Good luck!

Well said from Pirate Bride! I definitely think your mom is in the wrong for issue #1. He's your dad, you should honor him how you wish. For getting your makeup done.. it was a nice idea to invite your step mom, but it seems like you knew it would upset your mom. It really was a nice gesture to invite your step mom, but it will be less heartache and stress for all 3 of you if she doesn't come. Wishing you all the positive vibes going forward!!

I agree with this. I've been cheated on before and we were young and we weren't married and even after we broke up it still triggered my anxiety, gave me trust issues, made me self-conscious, etc and I dealt with it for years before it stopped really impacting me. I can't imagine factoring in marriage, a family, a whole life together. To be cheated on with this woman while he had a family/wife and then to be left for her and then they get married? That'd be very tough to deal with. It's easy for an outsider to say it's been 12 years, she should be over it, but that's really hard to actually do and you may not know everything that happened. It also sounds like she's the one that mainly raised you along with your step-dad, so I can get where she's unhappy with dad all of a sudden being in the picture and reaping the benefits, but also that is your dad. I think you should have a heart to heart with your mom and explain how you feel and let her do the same. Let her know that her feelings are valid, but are also affecting you and your attitude towards the wedding. But definitely un-invite step-mom from the bridal suite. If you explain that you want it to be a special moment between you and your mom, but you'd like her to join you for something else, hopefully she'll understand. Just find something else for her haha.

You are doing your very best to balance three adults who should be "adultier" than you - and one of them is failing.

While I understand why your mother doesn't like your stepmother, it's been a very long time, and she needs to deal with her emotions and grow.

I'm sorry she's behaving this way, you are being completely reasonable.

My intent wasn't to oversimplify by any means, I'm sorry if it came across that way. Like I said, my FH is in a very similar situation with his parents. FH has finally been able to reconnect with his dad after a very bitter divorce (there was a lot of fault on both sides, but ultimately ended after his dad cheated on his mom and later married the same woman after the divorce finalized). His mom has said for years that she "hopes her children can rekindle the relationship with their dad", but now that they finally have, she's been insanely bitter about it. She never stops bringing up FH's dad and his new wife, that's literally all she'll talk about when it comes to our wedding. FH had to tell her that if she can't stop making our wedding about her ex-husband, she won't be invited.

Your mom sounds like she's very mature and I hope she's healed as well as someone can in her position, but FH's mother (and I'm assuming OP's mother based on the post) is no where near the state of mind your mom is in. I definitely don't expect people to live in a fairytale state of mind where everyone can just forgive and forget and be buddies, but I think OP's mother should be supportive of her being able to mend things with her father and have them both be a part of her wedding day. That's just my opinion, I wasn't trying to offend anyone!