Lost confused and hurt

Definitely cancel that wedding, I highly doubt that she will just stop if she's been doing it for the past 12 years. Maybe you guys should seek counseling?


But honestly, in my opinion at least, it seems like she is playing in your face. She hired the guy that she has been talking to to be your bartender for your shower? That's BOLD. The fact that they both agreed to it knowing their situation is crazy.
I would definitely cancel that wedding and postpone indefinitely. I'm not sure that counseling could fix that problem in 2 months

RUN. Or at least cancel the wedding immediately (for now). Losing wedding down payments is not as expensive as a divorce.


She admitted this has been her behavior pattern in all other relationships so I doubt she’s willing to change. I would go to a counselor on your own because I sense she’s been manipulative and will continue to do so.
Whether or not you stay with her is your call, but I’d call her out on it, walk out, never look back, and be thankful that info came out before the wedding.

I'm sorry to hear about this! Definitely cancel (or at minimum, postpone) the wedding. Two months is nowhere near enough time for her to earn your trust back. If you go through with the wedding and her behavior doesn't change (as I suspect it won't, since she's been doing it for so long), then you would have the added cost and headache of a divorce. For sure start going to counseling (either by yourself or with her).

Definitely postponed the wedding, at the very least. While she may not have been physically cheating on you, she is most definitely emotionally cheating, and no one would blame you for walking away from the relationship right now. If you still love this woman and want to continue to try to make the relationship work, insist on counseling immediately. This is a her problem, not a you problem. This doesn’t sound like daddy issues, this sounds like extreme insecurity on her part, and the need to constantly be validated by others in order to feel good about herself. Make no mistake, this will NOT stop if you continue on with the wedding at this point. You need to stand up for yourself and put your foot down with her- either by leaving the relationship, or by postponing the wedding indefinitely until she receives the help she needs and proves to you that she has worked through her issues and can be a faithful companion. I am so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you have been a great partner to her, and have not gotten the same respect in return.

RUN and don’t look back! I went through this with my ex husband, at first he denied everything. Thanks to technology I found out how deep he was and the truth of his person. You deserve so much better than this.

It doesn’t matter that SHE thinks you can work it out. You can’t. That’s manipulation. She doesn’t get to make that choice here, she’s the AHole, she doesn’t get a say. You can only try to work through it if you decide YOU want to. But not because she says so. You’re the one that is hurt and betrayed here and your feelings are more than valid. And….she’s never going to change. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. But, yeah…she does not sound like marriage material. I would cancel and never look back , but at the very least you need to postpone and not legally bind yourself to someone like this in 2 months.

Cancel the wedding and move on. Someone who has been doing this for such a long time will not change. Consider yourself lucky that you learned this information now, before it was too late. Sorry this has happened to you!

Definitely at least postpone the wedding. It doesn't matter if she thinks she can make it work--you both have to think you can make it work. If you want to continue (which I would think this is tough to come back from), I would both seek individual counseling and couples counseling. Two months is nowhere near enough time to sort through all of that though.

My husband and I are both in counseling (individual and couples) to deal with general life and marriage stuff. We've been in couple's for two months now (going twice a month) and are just now getting to the meat of our challenges and have barely skimmed the surface on ways to improve our relationship. And that's just for normal marital conflict (division of household tasks, navigating everyday conflict, etc).

There's no way you can get to the root of the issue, be upfront about the lies and infidelity, determine a path forward, troubleshoot that path forward, and rebuild trust in two months.

Since she's been doing this disgusting behavior for over ten years, I don't think it's likely going to change. She will just get better at hiding it from you. I would recommend completely canceling the wedding. You deserve better than someone who is a serial cheater even if it's only emotionally which my guess it isn't.

She's been doing this for years and to multiple partners, she's emotionally having an affair and trying to manipulate you. I would cancel and honestly RUN.

Ray,
First off, I am so sorry to hear about this . You definitely deserve a woman who will be loving and loyal 100%! And from what everyone else is saying this is NOT a daddy issue. It's a her issue where she is probably insecure about herself. From what it seems like she is getting her way and manipulating you.. She says you guys can work it out, but it seems like she's only saying that so it makes you feel good and gives you hope. But in reality it's false hope so she can keep you around when it's convenient.
If she loves you and respects you then she would have stopped years ago. Not just recently..
You need to ask yourself what are you looking for in a WIFE? And are you willing to deal with this if she does not fix it when you guys are MARRIED?
If you feel as if you truly love her and think she is willing to change then you need to postpone this wedding and do some counseling and give it TIME. For something like this I feel as if it's going to really take some time. You need to also give yourself a deadline and ultimatum. For example, give it about 6 months to possibly even a year of working it out where you are both doing counseling and she hasn't been messing around. If she breaks that then you have to leave because it seems as if she is not respecting YOU, and cannot change her ways.

If you are DONE then you need to cancel this wedding and move on from her.

I'm wishing you the best Ray!

I strongly suggest cancelling the wedding at this point. You may lose out on deposits, but like someone else said, it's much less than the cost and stress of going through a divorce. I don't see how she can work on all the issues you mention in less than two months.

If you believe she is willing to put in the work to save your relationship, then work on the relationship first. I would suggest you have her do the work to finding a therapist, etc. That might show you just how much work she is willing to put in.

I would look into getting a therapist for yourself, as well. Maybe it will help you understand why you would want to stay with someone like this and can help with your own self worth issues.

Wishing you the best.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, prior to meeting my husband I was with my ex with almost 10 years and maybe 5 years in I found him texting his ex, she was sending him photos of her in lingerie that she had purchased and they were chatting it up. I argued the situation, left him and then took him back a few months later after he had changed. He never changed, almost another 5 years later and he was doing the same thing but got smarter about hiding it. He'd have multiple phones that I was not aware about with many conversations with different women. He begged and cried for me to forgive him but at the end I was just numb to all feelings, I hated the person I had allowed myself to become and left the relationship which ended up being a mess all in itself. It took months to get him to understand that I was not turning back from this decision. My husband was a shining beam of light at the end of that very long dark tunnel. It was hard, but at the end I grew so much as an individual and am much happier now.

I have three words for you.

You.

Deserve.

Better.

Postpone the wedding at a minimum. Give her these choices: postponement, or cancellation. Going through with it in two months is absolutely not an option here, it should not be offered, and she doesn't get to decide that it is, either. And cancel that damn couple's shower immediately, period.

She has shattered your trust. It will take A LOT more than just two months of counseling to build it back (and it may NEVER be repaired completely), and you should NOT go through with marrying someone you do not trust.

She has absolutely hurt you and humiliated you. I am absolutely aghast at the bartender thing.

You can give her a chance if YOU truly want to. You need to think hard about this and be honest with yourself. There is no wrong answer to that question, either. Ultimately, you must decide if you are willing to give her another chance, or if this is too much for you to handle. You are not wrong either way.

View Quoted Comment Yup. She only doesn’t want to cancel to save face. You deserve so much better!

What you see before getting married will likely continue after marriage. Go with your instinct. The choice you make in the present will effect your future. After learning of her behaviors, do you see yourself with her in a year or 5 years? If not, then you know what to do.

She's a serial cheater. Those types have very low chance of evolving into faithful spouses. Cancel the wedding and walk away. I would suggest looking at some infidelity websites about surviving infidelity. You'll need a lot of support. I'm really sorry.

Leave.


What are you getting out of this relationship?
She is not going to change her behavior now. She only fessed up because she got caught. Daddy issues don't make you cheat. She herself is in control of her actions. She is not showing an iota of remorse.
A cancelled wedding is much cheaper than a divorce or an STD.
A woman who sends lingerie photos of herself to multiple men is not the kind of woman who legitimately wants to "wait for marriage." She likes the thrill of getting caught and the attention and being the cause of sexual frustration.
You'll thank yourself later. Rid yourself of this BS.

Once a cheat, always a cheat. I'm heartbroken hearing of this story. But you definitely should not marry this woman as it will not change her behavior. I've been cheated on before and if they're not sexing you they are definitely sex with someone else. Don't buy her stories I hate hearing this but do yourself a favor and don't marry this woman. She won't change. Unless you're open to an open relationship, which from the sounds of it you're not.

Ray, first off I’m so sorry for your heartache and shock. Past behavior is usually indicative of future behavior. As other people have said, not likely to stop in two months. Especially after 12 years. Please consider counseling for yourself to heal and move on. Please take care of you! Eat, breathe, exercise. Lean on your friends and loved ones and don’t isolate yourself. Your fiancé failed marriage tryouts, and from what it looks like failed previous relationships as well. Remember this has nothing to do with you, its on her. I wish you the best.