Letting Extended Family Know, But Not Inviting

Do not invite them to any pre-wedding events unless they will also be invited to the wedding.

The proper thing to do here is get married then send them a marriage announcement.

I agree with C&S, send a wedding annoucement. These a typically sent on the wedding day. Just have your BM of MOH put them in the mail the morning of the wedding. We're having a family only wedding so we're sending annoucements to close family friends.

Don't invite anyone to any pre wedding events who are not invited to the wedding. That includes showers, bach parties, etc. You can send wedding announcements to family & friends who will not be invited. Send them the day of or the day after, not before.

Agree with the other posters. day after the wedding, mail out wedding announcements. if that still doesn't satisfy your parents, tell them unless they would like to rent out a larger venue and help out with the costs of a larger wedding, then they're just going to have to deal with it. no pay no say.

If we invited 2nd, 3rd, etc. cousins, our guest list would be well over 300 people. We cut it off at 1st cousins and only those we (both) interact with. We have asked our photographer to pick a photo he likes and to email it to us the day of the wedding. I will go on vista print and create an announcement which we will send out to those we were unable to invite due to budget/space.

@Kane, you will not be able to please everyone. So stick to your budget and don't let this stress you.

Are your parents contributing financially? If they are, then that's a discussion you need to have with them to figure out budget priorities, because if they they're paying, they do get some say. If they're not, the guest list is ultimately up to you, though you may still need to explain that to your parents. If it's a budget issue rather than a venue capacity issue, would your parents be willing to cover the cost of any guests they'd like to include?

Regarding the other wedding events, I agree with previous posters--if they're not invited to the wedding, they can't be invited to the shower or other related events.

Not sure if this is in your budget (cheaper than a reception part II) I know a girl who had a bridal brunch the day after the wedding (ppl do these differently so I know someone will disagree but its been done). The day after its a small gathering where presents (from the day before) are opened & pictures taken. Usually ppl from the wedding dont care there not invited bc they just spent the day before w/ you. You dress nice (in cute little white dress if you like) take pictures w/ those in attendance almost like a coed post wedding shower w/o the games (since its not proper to invite them to the prewedding stuff). And you'd be surprise your extended family might not be offended bc most ppl understand the high cost of weddings.

I just went through this exact situation. We are both from huge families but We are having a 50 person wedding bc our families are just too big and we didn't want a big wedding. Soo...we made sort of an 'announcement card' on zazzle that had our picture, names and wedding date on the front. On the inside of the card, I wrote a letter basically saying that we were getting married and we decided to have a small and simple wedding (we are broke grad students) . We also mentioned that we were thinking of them and know that they will be toasting from afar. I also mentioned that we would be sure to share pictures with them afterwards....my extended family appreciated the sentiment and thought it was very thoughtful. Here's a pic of the card we made! Hope this helps

No one who isn't invited to your wedding should be invited to your shower. A wedding announcement after your big day is appropriate for your situation!

It really does depend on if your parents are helping pay for the wedding or not. If they are helping, then they do get a say on who's invited. Are these people even local?? Cause if they're out of state, chances are high that they will decline anyway.... Think about it in reverse, would you want to buy a plane ticket and take time off work for some distant cousin's wedding?

If you're paying for the wedding yourselves, send the announcements.

Don't invite them to anything.

It's not always about the money, about whether you can afford the 200 people, half of whom you hardly know; it's about having the wedding that you want to have.

Send out an announcement afterwards, like Giselle.

I would not invite them to anything once you invite someone to a wedding related event you are obligated to invite them to the wedding. My mom's husband hosted my shower and he invited his brother and his best friend so I had to invite them to the wedding. Just send out an announcement.

I asked this same question to someone (I think it was my step mom?) and she said wedding announcements were rude. We're in the same boat, big extended family, tiny budget/wedding dream.

Now I don't know what to think.

View Quoted Comment Hi Giselle,

My fiancé and I doing something the same thing. Can you tell me when you sent you card out?
Thanks!

View Quoted Comment Wedding announcements have been traditional etiquette for a couple of hundred years in this country. And are in British Isles and all of Western Europe, in the classes where people could read and write. Many hundreds of years, there. So I do not know where your mother got that idea. But then, when my cousin had an engagement announcement with her picture put in her local newspaper, two twenty-ish women she works with told her it was rude, like a company advertising itself, to put an engagement announcement in a newspaper. There were 3 columns of them , and they are as traditional as can be. Even the online editions carry them. I often wonder where people get these ideas. But the format of a wedding announcement is in every etiquette book published in this last century, and every printers or stationers catalogue, and wedding announcements are perfectly fine for the very purpose of informing those not invited to the wedding, but who still would be interested to know. They can also be sent with thank you notes or later cards and letters to people who did attend, so they know the title and name each person will use after marriage, and what their address, or other contact info will be. This is a polite thing that used to be standard. And any bride to be who has struggled to write names and addresses on cousin's invitations and such, not knowing married names ( or keeping birth name?) and not knowing Miss, Mrs., Ms., Dr., Esq., or Hon. is the person's preferred title, and current post marriage address, can appreciate that it is considered a courtesy to keep those you like enough to want to see in the future have your proper post marriage info. I wonder if your mother is confused. The thing that is improper after marriage (traditional etiquette) is to send someone a Thank You note, who did not send a gift, or perform a service. Write a letter or note to say, it was nice to see you at our wedding, that is fine, not on a Thank You card. Because guests thank hosts for inviting them to a oarty ir dinner. Hosts do not write Thank You notes to guests except for gifts . Which is why couples should not write Thank You notes if no gift. A lot of people take offense when they get one. They take it like, Thank You for nothing...since they did not send a gift to be thanked for. And hosts should not thank guests, just for coming. This might be what your mother has heard is rude to send after a wedding. But a simple wedding announcement is considered a good thing, a courtesy that says, we will of course be seeing each other in the future, and are of course, interested in all of each others' family news. This is our news, and how to get in touch. My computer scan file for addresses is formatted to scan and cross index info on change of address cards, wedding announcements, and birth or adoption announcements, because all those cards are still currently used.

View Quoted Comment I think this is a great idea. Thank you for the advice.

View Quoted Comment Wedding announcements, sent immediately after the wedding, have been considered proper etiquette for a century. What is considered rude is an announcement sent before the wedding, to people not invited to the wedding. Whether you send a card with a picture, or a more standard wedding announcement card with the contact info for after your wedding, make sure to list your names with titles, exactly as you wish to be addressed after your wedding. Announcement cards go to those invited to the wedding, and those friends and family not invited. They serve as a notice, a change of address card ( or to let people know, same address), to put your SO name in print for those who may not know the full name. And it is the first communication from you as a married couple, to say info people need to contact you or send you invitations in the future. The smaller ones just larger than business cards, are quite cheap, and easy to scan or take a pic for phones and handheld or laptop computers, provided you stick to a very plain printed font. I prefer them, or ones with pics but a clear, simply printed announcement section, when receiving them, to use for updating contacts lists. Like many here, a huge number of friends, and my generation of family, mostly married in a short period of years. For our wedding, and later party invitations and mailings, I really appreciated wedding announcements that listed the full name and title of both people. People who had sent them were a big help . Even when I go to a wedding, I often never catch a spouse I do not know' s full name and title. And I hate using the wrong one later, or having to call or text to find out. Especially nice for those of us who never changed names, or partly changed. Or who graduated with a degree within a few years, not known to all .

View Quoted Comment

This was so helpful! We are only having 50 people at our wedding, and I have been so confused on what to say to my extended family! This definitely gave me an idea! Thank you!!