Legally Married before Wedding?

The day you get married is your wedding. After that, you could have a renewal of vows and a reception, but it would not be your wedding. If you don't tell people you're already married, they are likely to be resentful later when they find out. If you do tell people, they will likely not make it as much of a priority to attend a vow renewal than if it were an actual wedding. Is a cooler date worth it to you?

I don’t think if there’s a reason to get married legally before your wedding that it would be a big deal. People have to privately marry earlier for all kinds of reasons. Those reasons usually involve one party needing health insurance, having to move in together before the wedding and unable to unless married because of their religion, or because a parent or someone very close to them is on their deathbed. To marry early to have a “cool date” is not one. If a date is important to you, choose another venue.

View Quoted Comment Couldn’t agree with this more. I think it’s a little ridiculous to go through all the trouble because your original date isn’t “cool” enough.

Normally I’d say that getting married legally before a wedding is not a big deal and people do it for lots of very valid reasons, but wanting a cooler wedding date isn’t really a good enough one to go through the hassle. Also, you may want to get legally married on a “cool” date so you have a cool anniversary, but once you have the wedding with all the wonderful emotions and memories surrounding it, THAT’S the date you’ll want to celebrate each year, not your simpler legal wedding.

I personally think 9/12/20 is a "cool" date... I wanted that date but ended with 9/19. I live in new england and September is a perfect month...I think the day you choose to get married makes it a cool date in itself because from then on its you and your husbands special day.

I don’t think there’s any such thing as a cool date. You’re going to be happy to be married, you’re not going to care what numbers are on the invite.

I think it’s your wedding and you can do whatever you want. We are getting married in Vegas in January and having our wedding/reception in September back home. There’s no reason except it’s what we wanted to do. I know it’s different because we have both been married before for over 20 years each and we are older (Me 44, him 46).

I guess it matters somewhat if someone else is paying, but otherwise, do what makes you guys happy. You will never please everyone, or you even most people anyways.

I'm confused...What exactly is a "cool" date? They are numbers on a calendar. Isn't the more important thing that you are getting to marry your FH and begin the rest of your lives together? Are the numbers on the certificate really that important? Are you any less married if it is on a different day so you can have your dream venue? and if you do the legal marriage on your supposed "cool" date...are you going to be there by yourselves or will you have friends and family there? If you will be alone nobody is going to be celebrating it with you at that point so really the date doesn't matter...or will you end up having 2 weddings so you can celebrate with your important people on your "cool" date and then everyone else at the "not cool" date. Which, in my opinion is even more ridiculous...

Bottom line...you need to decide what is more important...your supposed "cool" date? or your dream venue?

View Quoted Comment I must have worded this wrong. We are having the ceremony and reception on 09/12/2020 regardless. But was thinking about getting courthouse married on 9/9/2020, just a few days prior and still having our ceremony/reception on 09/12.

View Quoted Comment Hey thanks for being the only person to reply with kindness and understanding!

You asked for our opinions/advice. I'm sorry if you thought I was being snarky...I was being honest and basing my opinion off of the information you gave us. No where in the original post was anything about numbers being special to you...just that your date wasn't "cool" enough. And no where in the original post was anything about what date you were planning on using as your "cool" date. If honesty wasn't what you wanted, you may want to reconsider asking in a public forum for advice because you will always get opinions that differ from yours. I understand that this is a place for newly engaged, married, whatever people. I'm in the same boat. But you also have to understand that not everybody is going to give you the sunshine and roses answers you were expecting.

In your original post, you asked "would it be weird?" I think many people told you that, based on the info you provided to start with, their opinion was that it did seem potentially "weird." You asked for input, but then called people "snarky" when you didn't like what they said. (FYI it's against the community guidelines to call people names and/or tell them what they can and cannot post....) In your most recent post, you added additional info regarding your issues with numbers and the potential problems with your preferred officiant. That info puts your original question in a different perspective; you may have received different feedback, if you had provided all the relevant information to begin with. I've been on this forum for quite a while, and it's an awesome place to get feedback and input. One of the things I think is most appealing is that you'll, generally, get pretty honest feedback. Of course, what you do with that feedback is always your choice.

PS -- when I initially read your OP, I thought you meant a date that would likely have a "cooler" temperature, rather than one with a more appealing numerical pattern. It isn't always easy to understand what people write in the same way they meant it.... Good luck with your planning.

View Quoted Comment I didn’t call anyone snarky. I said their response was snarky. Once again, I know this is a public forum and I’m subject to everyone’s opinions. I totally get that, I’m a Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram user. I just felt that it was “safer” to ask a question like that here, full of brides and engaged couples and they’d realize how nerve-wracking the journey can be. I definitely should’ve included the officiants issues in the original post but felt really uncomfortable sharing my obsession with numbers because I know I’d be labeled as a weirdo.

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry you felt attacked Hollie. I think overall we all need to remember that, yes, this is a forum for brides and all related info, there’s still just people at the other end. And while yes, some people on here routinely answer questions a little rudely, overall people are very welcoming and supportive. I think it’s important to post all the details, or explain that due to comfort you’re omitting some stuff. If you tell us “a cooler date” that’s wayyyy open to interpretation. I also most likely have OCD, and it’s very difficult for me to stop thought trains sometimes. We don’t think you’re a weirdo, but without any info it’s hard to give you a good, helpful answer. To me a cooler date meant temperature wise, not what date looked more pleasing written down. I hope you trust the community to help with your wedding questions!

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In my experience, more often than not, participants on WW are very supportive and kind, but they also tend to be pretty honest and straight-forward with their opinions. And, at best, they only have the info provided, so unless the original poster provides info like, "I'm just engaged and feeling really uncertain," or "I have some issues with anxiety/OCD/depression/whatever," etc., the reader has NO WAY TO KNOW any of that. But, if they know those kinds of details, they generally respond in an appropriate way. I think, if you give this forum a chance, it will grow on you, and you'll find most people are very supportive/encouraging. At the same time, I think one of the biggest benefits is the honesty you'll get. Lots of times our friends and families tell us what they think we want to hear, even if they think an idea we're considering is really bad -- they don't want to hurt our feelings. Personally, I'd rather hear about the potential flaws in my ideas from a bunch of strangers who have nothing invested in me, than get mindless support from loved ones and find out later people thought it was a bad/dumb/whatever idea. If you have a lot of experience on various social media platforms, you're likely used to the pros and cons. Just try not to take it personally; it's highly unlikely any of us are coming to your wedding, so do whatever you want to. I hope you stay!

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Risking being labeled a weirdo or not, that information would have been much more helpful in the original post. That would have changed my response. I never said your question was ridiculous, I said I was confused and the questions I was asking in return were legitimate questions I had. Knowing you have issues with numbers makes it less of a strange question. Because to be honest the original way you posed the question was more "weird" than having OCD or other issues. God knows I've been labeled a weirdo enough times in my life...

As far as the officiant issue-check with the county you will be marrying in to see what requirements they have for an officiant. Should be an easy phone call or email. They will tell you what documentation the officiant needs to provide.

Well dang, I guess my date (9/12) isn't cool enough. Scrap it!

In actuality, we'll probably end up doing what you're referring to. I want our close friend to officiate/ don't want a stranger, and due to local laws he can't legally marry us. We'll either do the official marriage a few days before or a few days after most likely, unless we feel like adding an extra element of time pressure to the day of lol.

Choose whatever date you guys want, just don't try to get legally married multiple times - the government tends to frown on that.

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Other general piece of WW advice that can help, and which I actually use on my partner, if you are looking for/ hoping for/ expecting a certain response or tone of response - just lead with that.

Legit just post "I've bought a dress, I feel nervous about it, and I'm hoping people will say that it's pretty" or whatever. Nothing wrong with setting yourself up for success - some people have less than supportive or interested friends/ coworkers, so hey - just tell people "I'm looking for others to be excited/ happy for me on this post." Boom. Won't clear out all the negative nancys but it sets it up well.

My partner asked "so what do you want me to do when I see you walking down the aisle?" - I ddin't say "do whatever you feel, etc. etc." I know how he'll feel - he loves me. But what do I want? "I want you to cry - ask Mike to kick you in the shin"

I would say if your officiant is potentially unable to marry you legally at your venue, and you’re thinking of doing the legal marriage only a few days prior, is there any way to perhaps only do a reception on 9/12 with all your guests, with your private wedding ceremony on 9/9? I’m also planning to use someone close as my officiant, and I would be upset if I had to chose to use a stranger instead due to legalities. You could still have very immediate family/friends attend the marriage, and skip the ceremony on 9/12. My only concern with essentially just doing a ceremony that day for show would be that it may be hard to explain this whole situation over and over to people, if you plan on celebrating your anniversary on 9/9 it could be potentially offputting that there was also a ceremony on 9/12. I guess that would be up to what your options are with the venue, and how receptive you think your guests would be to what’s going on.

On another note I would say you could look into one-day ordainment in your venue state! My officiant is from NH but will only have to apply for one-day ordainment in MA regardless of where he lives to perform our wedding.

Hi Hollie!
I’m in PA and there are really weird and confusing marriage certification laws here. So what my fiancé and I are actually doing is going to NJ (where my dad is “ordained” or whatever the legal term is) a few days before the ceremony to do the paperwork and get “married” and then we’ll have the ceremony back in PA at our venue. So the ceremony will kind of just be for show but it’s just how we had to get around it.