Knot tying ceremony with FH's kids?

We are doing a padlock ceremony in order to include everyone.

Of course I have a divergent opinion.....your marriage is between you and him (or her). I am all over including kids in different ways but in a way that clearly lets the ceremony be about you two getting married and possibly vowing in public (surely you have, in some way, in private) that your family will be a happily blended one in which you commit to take care of all the kids as if they were your own.

I'm not a fan of kids having to do much of anything except receive this promise you're making. No vows from them. Depending on their age and enthusiasm, this may be the last thing they want to be a part of, especially in public.

The sand (or glass pouring) works out fabulously, because each kid can have sand that expresses their personality and what they bring to the family (every color has a meaning... and I tell the couple to shake the sand vessel every year so the pattern changes as your family evolves). I've done paint pourings along those lines too, and hand tracings (all the hands get traced on archival paper and then signed and framed). I've had kids walk their parents up the aisle, and I love that. I even had a cake ceremony, where everyone had an ingredient, we mixed it all together, and the resulting cake, baked during the reception, became the family version of a groom's cake.

But the marriage ceremony is about you and your fiance vowing first and foremost, to each other and then promising that you'll do your best, as a team, to create a meaningful, loving home for them. It's not a time to extract any proof from them that they will do anything more than show up and be the kids they've always been.

ETA;

I wanted to edit this because I thought it sounded a bit mean, and based on my conversations with my couples who try so fervently to blend families (with varying degrees of success) I know how hard that can be for everyone. It's not like the Brady Bunch, and it's effort every day (the phrase, "Nail Jello to a tree" comes to mind....) I hope you didn't take it that way.

I think that my basic point was that every kid is different, some may love being included in the ceremony, some not, and if not there are certainly ways to remind them how much your 'new' family means to you both. Maybe giving them little gifts before the ceremony. And age will make a huge difference in how this is orchestrated...

I came here to say that we are including my stepsons in the sand ceremony. Oops...lol. How old are the kids? They can also be included in other ways rather than in the knot-tying. I've heard of people presenting special gifts/tokens to the kids during the ceremony and just making a promise to always take care of them. I do agree with Celia that the kids should not be asked to make any type of reciprocal promises or anything like that.

Celia for the win. I think a sand ceremony is appropriate but a knot ceremony implies their promises also and that is neither fair or a good idea. The sand ceremony shows a new picture of the family - each one represented. No implied vows/promises. I hope you will consider her advice.

Celia: I'm considering your response and I hadn't considered what you wrote but now that it's pointed out, it makes sense. Maybe if we do the knot-tying with just Dave and I but I also vow to take care of the kids etc and then give them something to represent this? Would that be okay, do you think? ETA: FH and I have been together for five years and his kids are 7 & 11, so we're all pretty used to each other and have our dynamic but I want to include them because I know that this is a package deal- that it's Dave and his two kids that I'm marrying 'into.' Not just him.

I don't know of a knot that entails four people or stands, but there are four strand braids.

Or should we do an actual sand ceremony with them?

We have been doing a lot of the glass sharing ceremonies, which is a little bit of an updated take on the sand. The mechanics are pretty much the same; everyone gets a color, you pour it all together, and then on your anniversary, you go to a studio to either make a blown glass ornament together or do a fused glass platter (that might work better with kids). I'm just loving this and we have five studios in NJ that we recommend, but I'm sure there is one in your area. We recommend Bullseye glass to buy the ground glass online; four colors will probably cost you less than 40 bucks total, and then in a year you buy a session at a studio, which will probably be less than 50 bucks. But how cool is that?

You can get an idea of this at www.unityinglass.com, and they do beautiful work, (You don't get to make the object yourself), but I know there are more budget friendly ways to accomplish this. You can also check out http://www.theglassundergroundnj.com/#!frit-unity-ceremony-/c1qdk

This is one of the local studios that we recommend. I think your kids would think this was really cool too!

Hmmm that does sound really cool. We are about an hour south of Chicago so I'm sure there is one up there. I'll have to do more research into this but it sounds really cool. Thanks for your help and guidance. It's always appreciated. *hugs*

If you PM me with your email, I can send you the reading we use for the glass ceremony. I love it.