Kids or No Kids to the Wedding

It sounds like adding these additional children will create needless stress and financial burden on you. Child- free weddings are incredibly common! So there is no need to feel guilty if that is the best option for you. If that is the route, you go, make it very clear from the get-go, and stand firm on your decision. Don’t make exceptions to rules, as that seems to spiral out of control quickly and creates a lot of tension and hard feelings. We had a child-free wedding, and we don’t regret it one bit! No fussy children to deal with, and parents really let loose and partied! We only had one person who had an issue with our decision. They were a little bit nasty about it, but we stood firm in our decision and simply told them we understand if they don’t feel comfortable attending without their children, we respect their decision, and they would be missed. And that was that.

Keep in mind children don’t have to be an all or none category. If feasible I’d limit the list to young nieces, nephews, and siblings if any. I’d draw the line at cousin’s children.

Whether you want them there or not is most important


I was in your situation, I’m among the youngest of about 20 cousins. They’re basically all married with children, lots and lots of children. I grew up going to these cousins’ weddings and it was very important to me to invite all the cousins…but there’s so many kiddos I’m not particularly close with any of them, it just seemed too far removed for me. I did not include them, and everyone seemed to understand. Only one person did not come because of a childcare reason (even then, actually, my cousin came, but her husband did not). A few of the cousins banded together and had one of the older kids look after some of the younger kids so that they could all be local for the weekend— but they did that all on their own.
What all that is to say, basically, is : do what is best for YOU. Everyone else can figure out what the solution will be to do what is best for them.

It's as simple as you don't want 25% of your guests as children (21 kids + unknown # of toddlers under 3). If your cousins grumble, suggest they host a family reunion on another day. Watch them decline or throw a park party. Stand firm on your decision because child-free weddings, smaller weddings are more common when couples pay their way. Also, I would not allow some children but not others as this breeds resentment from guests who had to plan childcare. No flower girl or ring bearer either if you are not close to them as then they would be props for your ceremony.

*There was one poster whose BIL asked her husband to be BM and daughter, flower girl, but none of her other children were invited at all. It was appallingly bad etiquette and hurtful to their family. You don't want this mess.

Child-free weddings are incredibly common for so many reasons, so this shouldn't be some new thing to your cousins. If you are worried about being able to financially swing inviting kids and how they'll behave, it makes perfect sense to limit the guest list to adults only. Our wedding was adults-only, and I stand by it. The people we got the most push-back from were the ones whose kids we had the most concerns about, and they either made it work or they declined.

If you go the child-free route, make sure you don't give people reasons why children weren't invited. People will try to "fix" the situation by offering to pay, saying their kid will just eat off their plate, etc. Keep it to "we cannot accommodate children," and leave it at that. If anyone keeps pushing, just tell them it's not up for discussion and change the subject or leave the conversation.

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I completely agree with you that you would not invite children as mere props, while excluding brothers and sisters who are close in age within in the same family. I've never agreed that wedding party children are an exception in that sense. In fact, there is no established etiquette rule that says they are.

It's fine to have a child free wedding, of course. But kids are not an all or nothing etiquette proposition any more any more than adults are. The key is to be consistent. It's always been acceptable as well as very common practice to include close family children only. Age cutoffs are also etiquette approved, though I would not typically advise splitting up children from the same family unless the age difference is quite large. Where you can run into problems and hurt feelings is when you make exceptions to guidelines that are easy to explain and understand.

If any guest had a problem with my own nieces and nephews being at my wedding and not the children of old friends whom I had never met, TBH that would have been their own issue to deal with.

We had a child-free wedding without complaints from people. We simply listed who in the household was invited on the envelope. If anyone asked, we said “Sorry we can only accommodate who is listed.” and they usually just responded with “oh ok”. No one argued.


Now, something I know some people do nowadays but I really do NOT personally agree with: Writing directly on the invitation “Adults Only”. My cousin did this and boy did she have some of the worst backlash from guests (even her own soon-to-be BIL, some aunts, etc)! I think blatantly putting that on invites made guests feel worse than if they had just done the time-honored etiquette of naming those invited on the envelope.

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We invited a handful of nieces and nephews but other than that this is what we did also. We only had one person try to RSVP for someone not on the invitation and not one who asked with respect to an uninvited child. I agree that writing Adults Only on an invitation is never appropriate regardless of what you see some people do. An invitation is supposed to be welcoming, not a means by which to exclude a group of people, regardless of age.

View Quoted Comment I think this is a “know your crowd” sort of thing. It is EXTREMELY common in our social circle to put a line at the bottom of invitations stating that it’s an adult only affair. In fact, pretty much everyone we know does this and appreciates the info being upfront and straightforward, so as to avoid any confusion or awkward situations.

If you make it an evening wedding (after 6pm), and make it more formal, then it will be viewed more as an adult party than a child-friendly party. Of course, when you go more formal, then the guest experience must be elevated which can get costly. My circle often is invited to evening, cocktail parties, galas, + and it is understood that it's for the invited guests only. Good luck.

I was concerned about this as well, and while there will be some children at my wedding, I was able to limit it by listing exact names on the invitation. I added on the Details card "Children of immediate family only" I did hours of research on exactly how this should be properly worded. I only had one person ask if they could bring their kids that was not on the invitation.

It is your wedding and these are your decisions, and FH's, to make. If you do not want children, and I agree that weddings, especially evening weddings, generally, are NOT a place for kids, do not include them on the invitation. You are under no obligation to invite everyone's kids. If I understand current "wedding etiquette" correctly, flower girls and ring bearers are an exception, and just because you're having these kids doesn't mean you must invite more. Invitation etiquette is that only the invited parties named on the invitation are invited. If children aren't specified, they are not invited.

Sit down together with fiancé and decide what you want. No matter what you do, someone will be offended even though it is your decision. Those who prefer no children as guests and who are told it is child free will be upset when they see kids in attendance, at the same time those who are used to family of all ages attending being told that they have to find childcare will be upset when they see select kids in attendance. That is where major resentment stems from and there is no published etiquette from Miss Manners or Emily Post to support the idea of children as props where the flowergirl and ring bearer, which are aesthetic only, are allowed but no other children are, and the invited children don’t even get to stay for the reception which is another faux pas. No one will ever tell the couple they are unhappy, so that is why couples say “we never received any backlash and our guests were thrilled”. One also has to accept that some guests will decline if they don’t feel comfortable with your plans and it doesn’t mean that they don’t support your relationship.


Some families see children as a burden in everyday life, going so far as to say that “no event anywhere is appropriate for anyone under 18/21”, but no one has forced them to procreate. Other families embrace children and see all events as family gatherings for all ages and don’t understand the opposite view where select or no children are invited. That includes the idea that newborns are not children so they are a loophole for child free weddings, even though they can be more disruptive than an older child. The difference in child behavior in social settings is telling as well because the first group is rarely if ever taught how to behave with consequences, which is where the unruly behavior comes from that many associate with the entire child demographic. The second group leans toward teaching children how to behave from a young age so that don’t require constant supervision. That is why it’s disrespectful to tell parents their own children are a burden to them. No they are a burden to people who don’t like kids. Our families fall into the second category and growing up we only each attended 1-2 “child free” weddings as kids by accident since the couples didn’t invite other children and guests were not upset. But that was an exception to what is popular now with little for how guests feel.
It may be common now for people to do certain things but that doesn’t make it proper etiquette. Etiquette is defined as “navigating human social interactions to avoid awkward, uncomfortable situations” and that has not changed over time and will not change until the human race is erased from the planet. Tradition/custom can be changed at will but it is not related to etiquette. Tradition is do you keep the bouquet toss or do you serve pie instead of cake. Many people in the current generation were not taught etiquette by parents, so instead of asking elders in their social circle, they say it’s dead and make up their own rules while saying others are misinformed. Contrary to popular belief, it is a faux pas to say “child free” or “adults only” on the invitation or details card. Address the envelope with invited guests’ names only and follow up immediately when they rsvp for extra people. That’s all you can do.
If you want kids, invite the kids you are close to but don’t treat them like second class citizens who have to disappear as soon as the ceremony is over. Some families don’t agree with cherry picking which kids can come and will decline the invitation. If you don’t want kids in attendance, don’t make exceptions for newborns or flower girls and be prepared to have declines.

It's perfectly fine to have an adults only wedding! If that feels easiest to you then do that. Once you've decided stick to your decision and don't give people reasons why their kids can't be accommodated.

Etiquette-wise, just put exactly who is invited on the invitation, and then "x seats reserved in your honour". If they try to write in more, then a phone call would be needed.

I was on the fence about this. I felt like children of close family should be invited. Out of state wedding so child care would be difficult. I have changed my mind and learned a lot from the answers to your question? We as a family get together often and I was thinking I would miss all the children not being there. It is the brides day and should be complete devoted to her and her new husband. It is my oldest granddaughters wedding and I am so excited about celebrating her and not being distracted by the other grandchild and nieces and nephews.

My wedding was just ruined by inviting his kids. I would strongly suggest saving your day for you, as I will never be able to have the perfect day ever again.