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Saba
Dedicated November 2018

Kids or No Kids... my pov after my wedding.

Saba, on February 14, 2019 at 12:55 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 50
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I see this question on the forum a lot and after my experience, I have to say: it's not a problem with the kids, it's parents. GET READY FOR A RANT.

In my wedding we graciously allowed the grooms side 50 guests, which they ballooned up to ~90 (this is a totally different issue) because they invited everyone with their little kids. On my side, we were very picky with our invitations and most cases, except for family, was Mr. & Mrs. only. Now, there are definitely some obnoxious guests who bullied their way into bringing all 3 of their kids anyway.

OK. So my low-to-no kids wedding was now full of kids. I took the hit and rolled with the punches. You know what? I'm getting married and nothing's going to change that it's a happy day. I don't mind kids, they're guests and will enjoy. If their parents want to bring them, fine.

Unfortunately, I did not realize that these parents were straight up ridiculous. Bringing your kids to a wedding is not an excuse to say "oh, there are 200+ other adults who will watch my kids while I enjoy the wedding and mingle." You do not let your kids run wild. I would be mortified if my child went up to the stage reserved for the bride and groom and sat there for an hour.

My stage had kids in my seat the whole night. Not one or two kids, at least 6-7. I have to get this off my chest guys: these kids and their parents were SNOTS.

My venue was stunning and lush which gigantic 20 foot crystal chandeliers--it is incredibly upscale. While we were taking pictures I watched a 5 year old girl wander around unsupervised. She threw a favor bag up into the chandelier, it shook around a bit, and then the bag was stuck there for the rest of the night. This could have been a huge accident. I watched my event manager's face turn to stone, and bless his heart he went straight to the parents.

It is mind-boggling to me how parents can be so lackadaisical about this. Look, I know it's your angel, but we ain't paying $20K for a replacement chandelier because of that angel. And my photographers are not here to document how great your kids look in the bride and groom seats, and no one except your family wants pictures with your kids. These kids wouldn't even move for pictures--they are literally in most of my pictures because no one, including the parents, had the backbone to move them. No one thinks it's cute that you can't handle them. My photographer is a dear and had them cropped out wherever possible. But come on, this shouldn't even be an issue!

I know this turned into a giant rant LOL but I wanted to warn you guys: kids or no kids is not the issue--kids will always be kids no matter what. You can't discipline a baby for crying. It's the parents. Are they capable and willing to watch their kids the whole night? Do you trust them? There was no way for me know that some parents don't care what their kids are doing. Learn from my mistake: if you are inviting children, delegate someone to be firm enough to call parents' attention to the disruption their kids are causing.

This was not something that I as a bride was in a position to handle--the whole day I'm focused on letting things be and enjoying, but now I do regret how many family photos I have with someone else's kids. These were supposed to be photos with my sister, my parents, etc. and there's the kid who no one could move in the corner.

Parents--PLEASE keep an eye on your kids! I don't mind "reasonable" things like crying, I understand there isn't much you can do, but they shouldn't be running around disrupting other guests, much less the bride and groom! And they shouldn't be causing damage!

50 Comments

Latest activity by Julie, on March 21, 2019 at 6:23 PM
  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah Online ·
    • Flag
    This sounds awful! I would have lost my mind! I have a kid, and our family weddings always include the kids and I’ve never seen kids run around and act crazy and misbehave. If they tried to do anything but sit in their seats/eat/dance on the dance floor, they’d be immediately reprimanded. I’m so sorry your experience was so terrible.
    • Reply
  • Erika
    Expert April 2019
    Erika ·
    • Flag
    This is exactly why we refused to do young kids! We know too many parents would just let them wander. With an upscale venue it's even more important. We love kids- I'm a teacher for crying out loud. But yes, kids will be kids. I'm sorry you had that experience and I hope the rest of your celebration was beautiful.
    • Reply
  • A
    Super February 2019
    Amy ·
    • Flag
    I would have been extremely angry too. We only have a few kids at our wedding, like literally two but if one is causing a rucus or being disruptive, I absolutely expect someone to deal with it.

    No offense but my worst night is a kid grabbing handfuls of cake, or thinking it's funny to be disruptive. I don't know one of the children at all and I have had worries based on stories that he can get out of control. I will have family step in if need be.
    • Reply
  • Mariangeli
    Devoted October 2019
    Mariangeli ·
    • Flag

    OMG that is literally my nightmare! We are only permitting immediate family to bring their children for this exact reason. I am hoping it stays under 10 kids total. I am SO sorry this happen to you! I can't even imagine.

    • Reply
  • Janae
    Devoted June 2019
    Janae ·
    • Flag

    I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Thank you so much for sharing!

    • Reply
  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    Omg, that sounds awful and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that! The reason we are not allowing children is because I have a few distant cousins ages 5-8 who I KNOW would behave like that, and their mother would do nothing. These kids alone are why we are not allowing any lol. We just can’t deal 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m so sorry that happened to you!
    • Reply
  • Victorian Bride
    VIP April 2021
    Victorian Bride ·
    • Flag
    Your wedding sounds gorgeous. Have you posted your BAM? I'm so sorry you had these difficulties. I agree, parents should watch their children.
    • Reply
  • Nikita
    VIP April 2019
    Nikita ·
    • Flag

    I agree with this sentiment 100% Kids will be kids, and parents have to watch them if they're at an event like a wedding. I'm so sorry for you, and embarrassed for the parents that this happened.

    That's exactly why FH and I decided to go no-kids. I'm not letting a negligent parent let their kid shatter hundreds to thousands of dollars worth of art because they are having a good time and "other people" will help them babysit. It's just trickier telling a parent, "sorry, I don't trust your judgement here."

    • Reply
  • Tori
    Devoted March 2019
    Tori ·
    • Flag
    Sounds like a nightmare! We had some major family drama with us saying no kids. My brother's wife kept saying it was fine then would talk about me behind my back. Then she admitted that she would not attend the reception because she had no one to watch the kids.

    At the end of the day I felt manipulated into letting them come to the reception because of her actions. We also are letting my sisters kids come so that's a total of 5 extra people.

    She just said so much behind my back and my sisters and it got ridiculous. She threw my bridal shower and my sisters who actually know me weren't allowed to have any input in planning and then she asked them for money. Then my SIL told my dad she asked them for more money for something and they avoided her, but she never messaged them, so straight up lied to my dad about them. She has to be in control of everything and I felt so manipulated with the kids thing.

    At the end of the day the kids are excited so I'm happy for that, but my brother's wife straight up sucks.

    Sorry you had to go through all that stuff, I don't understand parents like that either. If you're not going to take responsibility for them then don't bring them, and don't say anything about them not getting invited.
    • Reply
  • A
    Master October 2019
    Angelena ·
    • Flag

    This sounds awful and I am so sorry that happened! I agree, parents need to be parents especially in a nice place! This is my fear with ONE family that my FH is friends with, and happen to be the only exception to the no kids rule besides family, which don't even get me started on how peeved I will always be about that. I'm sorry my wedding is not for them to get trashy and not watch their rugrats, absolutely not. Because I have seen how they act when alcohol is involved and their kids are present. My family and FH's family watch their kids like hawks though, they're all good. I already know that I will tell bartender to watch out for that couple and idc. Cut them off if they appear too drunk. And my Italian mother would also lose her crap on someone not acting accordingly at my wedding. So I am confident she will get things handled should they go awry. She doesn't want me to stress about anything and wants me to have fun.

    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    I am SO sorry you experienced this. We are inviting kids, but we did include an insert card for people with kids saying what the kid's meal was and stating we are providing childcare in the venue (it's an open venue so parent's would see their kids) from 5 PM - 8 PM hopefully hinting people should leave by 8 PM with their kids. We are also seating kids by their parents during the reception, and not doing a kid's table. Our coordinator has already been instructed to talk to parents if kids are interrupting the ceremony or speeches or special dances. Total, the kid's have to be quiet & behave for a 20 minute ceremony 15 minutes max of speeches, and 15 minutes max of 3 dances. Other than that, I don't really care. But our venue is a working farm, so I also mentioned kid's must be chaperoned if they are running around and not in the kid's area with the sitter.

    • Reply
  • FutureStephD
    Super March 2019
    FutureStephD ·
    • Flag

    OH NO!!!!

    THIS is exactly why we did not invite children. For us there are only six family members under 21, but when it comes to his friends, there's about 58 kids! We had one couple ask if their daughter could attend (no) and asked us three times. The third time they asked in front of their daughter and said "Jane, maybe if you ask Scott and Stephanie nicely they'll let you attend." Scott said no, Jane SCREAMED, dad said "and that's exactly why they didn't invite kids" and everyone laughed.

    I understand childcare isn't always easy or cheap, but we've just been saying to parents, aren't you excited to kick back, let loose, and have some fun without your kids around?!

    • Reply
  • Mrs.
    Super May 2019
    Mrs. ·
    • Flag

    I don't think it was too much to ask for your guests to keep track of their kids! I'm sorry that happened to you and thank goodness the chandelier was okay.

    For this reason, I am so, so glad I only have 5 nieces and nephews. 3 of them are 10 and older so they know better to behave themselves for the most part. Then I have another nephew who will still be under 1 years old at the time of my wedding, and so far he's been a little angel. And my little 2 year old nephew is ADORABLE, but since he's learned to walk he's a little energizer bunny. Thankfully, I've seen his parents running around after him at our holiday parties, so I know they always have him in their sights. As for FH, most of the kids on his side of the family are also older and know better. There might be a duo of brothers who are little trouble makers, but we'll see what happens... Off the top of my head, I don't think any our friends we're inviting have kids, and even then we probably wouldn't invite the kids unless we absolutely HAD to have that friend there.

    • Reply
  • Melissa
    Beginner May 2020
    Melissa ·
    • Flag

    This is exactly when I imagine when I think of kids at a wedding. We're only allowing 3 pre-teen aged children that we've both have met/are related to. One is the MOH's stepchild, his brother and his cousin that I really like a lot and they mellow one another out.

    • Reply
  • Gipperkm
    Super September 2018
    Gipperkm ·
    • Flag

    This is exactly why we didn't invite kids to our wedding. Ugh, sorry you to had to deal with these people!

    • Reply
  • Expert May 2021
    ·
    • Flag
    THIS is why a few of my cousins are not invited. One of them is married to an awful woman who has adult children. Not only is SHE obnoxious, if you invite her to anything she will also bring her adult children, their spouses/who they’re dating AND their kids. They will sit in the same place to gossip all night while the kids run like animals and if they happen to spy one being wild they will not get up. They scream at the top of their lungs from where they sit. NOPE! While making the guest list we made sure not to invite people like that, even though they’re family. I’m sure it will be a “thing” that only a few cousins were not invited but I’m not about to manager your circus OR your drama at my wedding.
    • Reply
  • Victoria
    VIP October 2018
    Victoria ·
    • Flag
    Ouch. We had kids at our wedding with zero issues. In fact we had many guests comment on how well behaved they were and how funny they were. You are 100% correct though that it is the parents. The kids at our wedding knew their parents wouldn't stand for any shenanigans. It's a shame that the parents at your wedding weren't the same. I'm sorry that they made it into so many of your photos. Luckily they didn't destroy a chandelier.

    On the happy note, congratulations on your marriage!
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag

    I am standing, clapping and saluting you for posting this!!!!

    • Reply
  • MD
    Super July 2019
    MD ·
    • Flag

    I'm so glad you shared this, this sounds horrible! I'm already dreading certain "kids" that we invited being at our wedding (they're 13 & 15, old enough to know better). But I know the parents would've made a big deal if they were excluded, so I just hope act their age!

    • Reply
  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    That's a good idea to basically have childcare at the venue for a certain time period. Just don't be surprised if none of your guests with children respect the 8pm curfew. If they aren't ready to leave, they'll just stay. Hopefully it doesn't cause any problems for you.

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